The Recurrences

My dreams are always non-descript, and I know even at that deep level of the mind what they're for: to help me work out some kind of confusion or error or pattern. Being as dreams are, they combine funhouse mirror imagery with ultravivid reality, distortions or incongruent patterns/conversations/scenarios with supersaturated color vignettes. I very rarely remember them when I awaken. All I usually recall is that they make my head spin.

I've been on a committed journey of self healing for nearly three years now, with a sacred routine of meditation every morning followed by two or three pages of intense journaling. My aim has been to gain clarity about the patterns and habits that have prevailed and affected me throughout my life, sometimes helping, other times derailing my progress. I'm not special; I imagine anyone reading this has lived the same kinds of experiences. It's part of the trials of our lives, I'd wager: we live, we make mistakes, we recognize them, or don't, we correct them, or don't. And that's how we grow and evolve. That becomes the life we lead, until perhaps something or some things happen that jolt us out of our somnambulism.

For me, that's when The Recurrences began.

That's what I called them, The Recurrences, because they were regular enough to warrant the title, and because they became, once they started in October 2021, the only things I'd remember of my dreams for the next two years.

They would always appear at the end of the dream cycle, just before my awakening, no matter what time of the morning that might be. They always centered around some sort of technology: a mobile phone, a computer, a television remote. Something unobtrusive but necessary, everyday. In most of the dreams I was alone, with The Recurrence centering around something I had to do to continue, to progress. Change a television channel with a remote -- but no matter how I pressed the keys, nothing would happen. Dial a phone number by pressing a contact name on the screen -- but no matter how I touched it, the number would not register. Move to type it in manually -- only to find error after error in the number, clumsy, panicky fingers hitting the wrong keys. Frustrated to the point of explosion until I'd awaken, always with the same words in my mind:

"What the fuck was that?"

Nothing ever critical, no scenarios ever included danger, never a 911 call that wouldn't go through, or anything like that. Just a mid level frustration and annoyance about the situation, and some fierce wondering about what message I was supposed to be getting, that I clearly wasn't.

After a particularly bothersome Recurrence, when I awoke and settled before my meditation table, I took the opportunity to ask during my practice: "What am I supposed to be learning from this?"

The answer came back swift as lightning, and with nearly the same impact:

"Remember, it's a dream. Remember, it's YOUR dream. And remember that when you feel frustration or annoyance -- it's only a dream. You control it, by remembering it's only a dream.

"Oh, and maybe cut back on the social media a little, huh?"

I had to laugh at the last bit, because social media is my primary method of avoidance, I've since learned, and it is a tool my ego constantly uses to undermine my progress. But the rest of it made sense, too, so I decided to go with it.

So that night, as I said my evening devotional, giving thanks for the lessons I learned throughout the day, finding gratitude for even the hardest of them, as I felt myself drifting into the alpha wave state between sleep and awareness, I recited some quick mantras:

"My dreams are calming and healing. I learn from my dreams. I release frustration from my dreaming."

I cannot say The Recurrences ceased starting that night. I can say that with continued practice and awareness, there have been more than a few instances when I felt myself locked into the pattern of Recurrence, and by recalling that I am control, have been able to lift myself out of the pattern before I felt frustration. The Recurrences visit me much less frequently now, and for that I'm grateful.

I am continually amazed by the changes I've been able to implement through my spiritual practice, with this example being only one of many. I continue as a work in progress, but with every breath I take, every word I write, every piece of art I create, I recognize continued healing. And for that, I'm eternally grateful.

It appears, as with all things when one walks the spirit path, that even The Recurrences have had their role to play.