Memories: 26 November 2023

26 November 2023

26 November 2022

https://share.icloud.com/photos/0d6uU8EsROOrP-DipEjPMlrDg

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4 hours sleep. Yibbedy yibbedah. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride!

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3:45 am. Home from a great night of dancing. Exhausted but happy. I can’t feel my feet. Alter Egos were wonderful as usual.

The bands finish early but the DJ spun some epic tunes although he started with some weird teeny bopper shit the first hour or so. He made up for it in the end. I danced until 2:30am.

I came home, had a shower to wash off the sweat and am lying in bed with a cup of tea and a very happy Beauregard who misses his Mama T when I go out.

The energy was very high tonight. People were mostly sweet to each other. It was a very good night. I saw a former male friend who used to dance with me years ago. But I ignored him as he used to play weird psychological games (like offer to take me out then never followed through) A time waster. But harmless enough.

Then another former regular turned up who is actually a nice man (affectionate, gives everyone hugs and dances wildly!) Too young for me to consider dating but a very nice person!

At one point I had two men vying to dance with me. It was a tad awkward. The younger male had moved in to be protective I think. Sweet really.

Jo and I danced all night. I also danced with a lovely Asian lady as there was a group of awful blonde stepford wives types that were crowding her out in a really bullying way. So we danced and enjoyed ourselves until some man pushed in but I let him as I am not gay and he seemed genuine.

All in all I had a great night. Sally spoiled me with drinks and we all rocked out.

I am grateful for the lovely casino friendships, for the music, for the dance and for the carefully nurtured Wildness. I am grateful for the respect, admiration and protection. I am grateful to be alive, free and still wild. I am grateful for the love!

Time to sleep. See you all on the flip side xxx

26 November 2021

Happy Chanukah (which begins on Sunday evening this year!). I feel Discombobulated. It’s still November and Christmas decorations are already out.

The Silly Season slammed us early. (Although we Jews are never early but right on time as we follow the lunar calendar as did the Pagans!)

I have the most beautiful candles that Sally bought me last year (she sent me two packets!) so I will be able to light up for freedom from oppression in grand style for another year!

Yayyy!

It’s a stinkingly humid day and I feel quite wrung out. Lethargic, prosaic and exhausted. But I think everyone is feeling depleted with the constant fearmongering of politicians and the media.

It’s time to celebrate Life. (Take it by the Bacchanalian or rather, Saturnalian bulls’ horns…and Thrive! ….but I might need a wee nap first!)

26 November 2020

I posted off my application to the Cannibis Doctors for therapeutic cbd oil treatment for my anxiety and my IBS.

I also booked an appointment on Friday for my liver scan.

So I am intrepidly forging ahead with my healing. Hopefully I will feel much better soon.

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I just woke up from intense dreams about Suzy Van Der Kwast, my first Boss at Suzy’s Coffee Lounge in Willis Street Wellington, NZ.

I was going through her ancient photo album and was surprised to see so many photos of Gisela and even my child self in it. This would not be true in real life as although Suzy had been an acquaintance during my childhood she was actually close friends with Muriel Hoedemaeckers down the road!

Muriel frequently baby sat Suzy’s son Bart so I used to play with him and Rosalyn occasionally when I was over there (very likely also being “babysat”).

There was great excitement and a sense of urgency. Suzy was trying to tell me something. The dream ended with her son (I think!) having a baby in his arms and was proudly walking up to show the baby off to everyone. I ran ahead...very excited to tell everyone he was here.

Hmmm. In real life her son is a few years younger than I and who knows if he and his wife have any children?

Babies are a symbol of new beginnings.

I was the herald of the baby’s arrival in the dream so perhaps I receive positive news soon?

I am riding some synchronistic wave too. Yesterday I was telling my 90 year old neighbour Ailsa about my elderly Psychiatrist Dr Eastwell telling me many years ago that it was totally fine if I slept 16-20 hours a day for as long as I need be, as one day there would come a time when I needed very little sleep. At 80 years of age he himself was only sleeping 3-4 hours a night.

Then today he came up in my Memories. A kind man. A close approximation to a father figure I had at that time. I am wary of Daddies after surviving 5 of them and prior to my small Dr Eastwell transference I had not had anyone behave Iike a proper father since I met Harry Arons and my dear friend Joe Harris.

Suzy actually had a profound message for me but I can’t remember what it was. But the encounter was joyful and the dream was full of light and love. So I will hold onto that.

I was gutted yesterday after fighting a Neo Nazi on my cousin’s page. She herself has been reading some Holocaust revisionist book.

I will have to rethink that relationship. I have always fought against racism and antisemitism. So family who espouse those ugly views are not safe for me to engage with. This saddens me greatly. But my time and my heart are precious.

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(See file photo!)

I found these two tiny coral pink feathers in my lawn. I just completed cleaning the wood on my newly mosaic-ed table as I am preparing to varnish it with marine varnish.

I am writhing with some weird kind of anxiety as I am looking forward to going with Crystal to Maiala forest this evening but I have to pick her up at 4:15 pm in Adelaide Street in the city and I dread driving in peak hour traffic.

So the feathers are a little sign that there is love in my life and all I gotta do is breathe and be happy!

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The world is dying or gone rampantly mad and all I have is love addictions gone bad. Sad! Valium Anyone?

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4 hours sleep. Metamorphosis is hard! (Insert Witchy cackle here!). But I shared a memory from exactly a year ago and wryly noted I was not sleeping much then either.

Oh dear.

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12:55 am. Another sleepless night. This is getting nuts. Energy is high too. Oh well.

26 November 2018

Today I manifested Joy by finally getting sleep from 5 am to 11 am. Then am awaiting the arrival of Jarrod, Crystal and Harvey. My little family.

It was a rough night last night, unable to quell my mind with only snatches of sleep until dawn. My body clock is out of whack. Bit hypomanic I suppose from too much dancing.

My gut threw a tantrum last night as it does when I overdo the exercise.

Frankly I feel happy but physically fragile. Fair enough. 53 year old women dancing for two nights, while simultaneously emotionally managing my internal Berserker being stalked by past lovers is intensively hard work.

But every day in every way I am healing and Becoming more beautifully extraordinarily myself and the past ghouls can only gape while I envelop myself in my own greatness: hardwon and sacrificed so much for.

I feel things are shifting exponentially. It’s like standing in the dead centre of a kaleidoscope, watching old faces and dead loves and twisted knaves transform and transmogrify all around me. Watching, waiting, wearing me out but never giving up on myself. Or on Love.

The watchers watch and the dancers dance and the bullshit gamers ply their chance to perchance bedazzle the psychedelic dreamer but she is awake in the Dream now and the only way to win a game with a psychopath is NOT to play.

Haha. Mama T loves anyway. Watches them writhe and squirm like the turning of the worm on my shrewish shoe. Squish Pop Cicero Uh Uh. Didn’t do it.

And so we continue with the dance and the jive while staying alive and the spirits come to pay homage to me on their way to the light: so great is my honour and my Light.

All along I thought myself accursed and unfortunate, desecrated and unlovable, but the spirits know best, after all. They all, Sylvia Shine and Suzy Van Der Kwast and even that filthy treacherous David Davidson wanted the best for me. Knew I deserved a loving peaceful beautiful joyous life!

Well, here we come. Hold onto your hats. Mama T is making her own life, her own way. Only the gods can know the end of my story.

I doubted myself for far too long. I was betrayed and sullied and stymied. But up she goes again, tottering on her high heels and verdant blooming attitude. The Tanya. A force to be reckoned with. Short, fat, broken down, rejected and abused. But also strong, loving, steadfast, valued and cherished.

The ugliness has lost its sway and gone astray. As it was always doomed to do. Heart and Soul and guts and sinew, life force and a little warrior goddess always rise again. Always. Even when we did not want to.

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Today I feel excited and twitterpated with a trifle anticipation. Perhaps this Chanukah will bless me with my greatest dream manifested in real time and real life with comfort and joy. Not just for ”Christmas” but for many years to come.

Ahhh silly Tanya. Que sera sera! Magic happens when you believe but Time takes its own time. Psy sighs.

26 November 2017

I have been out in the garden, watered out the back, topped up fish pond. Feel unwell today. Still fatigued and aching joints.

So I came inside and am thoroughly enjoying the Marlborough sea salt and caramel brittle that my beautiful Sally bought for me in the care package.

Also sipping on a hot cup of tea. Also might be sunburnt. Oops!

26 November 2016

Tomorrow I take my embattled mottled turgid spirit and will drive to Byron with my beautiful Terina so we can celebrate life and beauty and peaceful serenity in the healing waters of Byron bay.

Hopefully the storms blow out tonight. It hasn't hit here yet. Annoying! We need the rain and relief from the heat.

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Here comes the impending storm and hopefully much needed rain. My meridians are twanging like a panel beaten chassis after a major smash.

Stage 6 of nervous breakdown is....delightful. Who knew?

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Delighted to see my friends Margaret and Nathan and Schliva the Jack Russell on video messenger. They are in Sydney. Gorgeous!

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The Life of Brian. Just another Saturday night lol!

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OMG! Magic happens. What a wild night! An old flame turned up and we danced with wild erotic passion all night long. Until that is, he pressured me for sex and although it has been a very long time, I decided to be gentle with my recently broken heart and mind.

So I left the casino and went outside, alone, to get some space from my suitor who I once nicknamed "the Predator". I could kick myself now as you know, passion/wildness/sexual healing would have been a delicious change after my beloved's cold contempt. But I do not change horses mid-flight. Nup. I will dance to my own tune.

Outside, at the park, a young Samoan Mormon man came to say hello. Very sweet. He is a cutter. Showed me his arm full of slashes.

So I told him he needs to see a doctor and if his religion is poisoning him, he has to lose it. He had just come back from a 2 year mission in NZ and Malaysia.

I made him promise me, a stranger in the night, a Jew and an ancestral witch, to never cut himself again. To get treatment.

I told him my story about the young Native American mormon who had Jewish ancestry who once came to my door with another elder but when he saw my dream catcher made in the shape of a Star of David had a full nervous breakdown on my doorstep as he was so homesick for America, his tribe and remembered his Jewish blood as well.

How I had to comfort him in his distress. (Our spirits all want to go home no matter how far we stray or what mission G-d or Jesus or other gods put us on).

The young man thanked me. I said "Pray for me that I find a decent partner one day and I will also bless you with a happy successful life". He wants to start his own clothing business. Very sweet, ambitious. Loving soul.

He told me he is a mama's boy and how he cried when he returned home to surprise her. I nodded. He yells across the park, after rejoining his group of friends "I will never forget you Tanya, I will remember your words. Your blessing!”

I had told him, if religion makes you so sick at heart that you hurt yourself, then it is not for you. It is evil. But always remember where you came from, your relationship with your higher power and always do good by yourself and others.

Sage advice from a Jewish "witch" who was demonised all her life. Do good and good will come. He is only 18. I did not tell him that in my case it was just a long lonely suffering that even death cheated me out of escaping my personal demons.

Then I went back into the casino. A Jew out in the night, on Shabbat, wearing her witchy pentacle t-shirt, comforting a lost and broken young Mormon man. The universe has my back. I love it. My beautiful broken spiritual mission to thrive and strive for happiness, holiness, even in the darkest places. Makom!

Thankfully my suitor of old, my love interest who I cannot trust with my heart as he is such a shit (I told him this myself last night, while dancing wildly with him - he loved it. Always with me a reality check) had left.

Phew! The heat was intense but I am more than a mobile Vagina. I am not an object to be picked up and put down and thrown to the wind.

I told him, I had ended it with my true love the day before. So no sex. No matter how much I might want it (screaming on the inside hahaha). We will just dance and have fun!

He said "You will always be my girl! Always in my heart." Such passion! But such lies. The throbbing crowd on the dance floor watched as he and I unfurled our wild passion and delight on the dance floor.

It was fun. So much fun. A breath of fresh air after that cold empty Englishman I have loved and breathed life into like a CPR specialist. 3 years I have loved him. It nourished me in my celibacy.

I had told him, I am not having sex with a man unless I know he truly loves me. I kept my vow to myself. Damn. What a waste. Lol!

Interesting. Within 24 hours of releasing him, I had not one but two very interesting romantic allusions.

So I have no idea what is happening and when in doubt. Wait. For Godot. For someone who won't lie/cheat/manipulate/control or destroy me.

Psy sighs.

I came home at 5 am after talking with Jo and her two new suitors. I had enjoyed watching them vie for a piece of her heart and soul. She is so beautiful that men are drawn to her like a moth to the flame. Delightful. But I was so tired. I drove home alone as usual. But free. Thank you G-d.

From the comment section:

Oh almost forgot! Another man who is rather eccentric like me who I dance with regularly. (He is famous for doing the splits). Well we had a long chat last week outside the casino. Very sweet man and like me very broken.

Well, he danced with me when my old flame was off dancing with someone else (I encouraged it as I am not his partner and I needed a break from his wild intensity).

So Ephraim hands me a tiny silver love heart charm. He says "I want you to have this in recognition of our friendship and the fact that like me, I know you have been through hell in life". I was sincerely touched.

I looked down at the little heart charm and on the back it said "Sister". I kissed his cheek and had to hold back the tears. I put the heart in my purse. I will treasure it. Little gifts of love and affection from my "tribe".

When I first met Ephraim (who told me last night he was born in Christchurch), I teased him about his Jewish name. He said "I am not Jewish but I had a brother named Mannassah and a brother named Asher. Another named Joseph".

He said his mother had lost a child to a cot death and had read the bible for solace and so every child born thereafter had been given a biblical name. I nodded. "Your mother had faith. And Mana!" He said most of his siblings had died, several by suicide. I held his hand. We bonded over that.

So yes. My unholy nights are often very lovely and spiritual after all.

Ephraim had looked a bit sad that I was dancing with my old flame. Later he asked me if I could find him a nice lady. I joked "Every man woman and child for themself in the casino". He laughed. But I will keep an eye out for him. He had a sweet gentle heart like mine and he deserves someone lovely. By the gods, We all do!

Me: No, the guy who pressured me for sex was the old flame and Trouble with a capital T but a delightful breath of fresh air and fun after my heart break over the staid cold Englishman who I shall always love with all my heart.

I loved our conversations but the mindfucks got too toxic and I got too strung out so I ended the 3 year friendship on Thursday and then Marco blew into the casino like a typhoid of mad passion but um, not going there. Too old, too tired of head games and wary of being used and abused yet again.

I only have male friends now. Falling in Love and sexual congress ahem, is too damaging for my complex PTSD. I just dance and enjoy my shredded life. No pressure that way. For anyone, but especially me.

Me: Mad Marco is all writhing Italian Stallion passion and madness. He is the Anti-Englishman!

The dreadlocked wonder was not there but one of his friends was watching my every move, so hopefully he goes running like the primeval gossipy public school brat back and tells Dave I have (for one night only!) moved on!

But seriously it was very bemusing as the universe really shook me down last night. From the sublime to the ridiculous.

Even my passionate nutty lawn mower man decided to flirt with me, hint about a concert in March, give me spiritual advice and then offered he would leap over my raspberry caned fenceline to get to me. I just laughed and told him to go mow some more lawns.

The universe really collided yesterday. Frankly I hope it calms down. I can't handle that complete reversal of fortunes in one day.

Me: I am very intensely emotional. (Phoenix energy). So I need a calm man like Dave but alas he thinks I am dangerously insane and obsessive which in his case is correct. So um. I am going back to my default state.

Alone. Peaceful. Content (when not triggered by epic nasty cold bullshit) and just going to go to the beach more often (my Shrink's orders) and chill the fuck out.

Me: I was charmed and delighted when I said Hello to Marco and he said “Ahh you remember me. I am The Predator!” (It was my nickname for him, also Stalker No 1). So I said “Yea you are still my Predator, you shit. But tonight we dance and have fun”. So we did.

My gfs are still laughing about it. OMG. It was insanely hilarious.

At one point he made a lewd comment to me so I threw my head back, pulled a look of utter contempt and uttered "You disgust me!" And flounced off. The security guards who all know me well as a regular had tears of hilarity in their eyes. I gave them a cheeky grin.

Marco was back in a flash, demanding sex until finally I left and sat outside to get a mental health break! Far out. He was gone when I went back in. Phew! But it was fun. Good cheeky harmless fun.

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I love those rare and unique moments when I snuggle myself into my feather doona. All coddled up in my cocoon of comfort, when memories flash by from the night before (or other older memories) and they are so surreal and dichotomous and downright peculiar that for a moment my mind just goes blank and clears and suddenly from out of that distinct crystal clarity, I burst out laughing.

I remember the time I started laughing and couldn't stop laughing for 4 hours. My first bout of hypomania but it was so healing. Jarrod and Crystal and her friend Ashleigh were rather perturbed and the fellow customers in McDonalds were freaked out. Gosh that was about 8 years ago now? The first time I experienced a leaching out of real happiness. It even scared me!

My former elderly psychiatrist told me it was fine. He said Tanya! This society fears happiness. Suppresses it. Drugs it, demonises it. So be happy anyway. Happiness is the ultimate act of anarchy and revolution. Wonderful old man. Miss him! (Fathers I never had but should have).

26 November 2015

in bed with penny, watching a movie. She keeps whipping her tail. She is angry and upset that Alcide is not here. Otherwise she has no reason to be in such a foul mood. It was amazing how quickly he won her over. Hopefully he will be well in the morning and will come home soon.

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Bev just called. Alcide doesn't have Parvo but will be kept overnight and x-rayed in the morning to see what the bowel obstruction is. He is in a big clinic with 24 hour care. So my hopes are raised that he has more hope of survival as he doesn't have Parvo. I hope he recovers fully by morning.

I will keep praying that the little one is safe and well.

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Rollin' with my Homies, the invisible beings of Light Love and Healing. Praying for my baby dog.

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Alcide is sick. Ellie picked him up just now to get treatment at their own vet. I hope he survives and comes back to me. I am devastated but I hope he makes it.

Julie Goddard: parvo?

Me: Yes suspected. How did you know? My iPhone cord got chewed so I can't make mobile calls.

I rushed him to the vet at midday when I saw he was unwell. The vet suspects parvo or possibly a hookworm infection which doesn't seem right as Bev gave them worming on Wed and apart from a sniffle he seem healthy for the past few days.

The vet charged me $86 but gave me a discount to $78.54 when I stated I had only $88 left in my account. I had already bought his food, a halter, worming tablets, turkey mince and beef mince so spent the last of my money on him so I thought I would have everything ready for his needs in the next 2 weeks until his next vaccination was due.

Then when I put my eftpos card in, it got rejected. I started to cry as I was certain i had enough funds to cover the vet. Then I realised that $12 came out for spotify. So I paid $70 in eftpos and the rest with coins I had in my purse.

I felt so distressed about my beautiful beautiful new puppy being sick and me, having gambled on a healthy dog for at least few months, having to scratch up the funds like that. Humiliating and upsetting.

Bev (the lovely breeder lady) sent her sister Ellie down from Maroochydore to pick him up and take back ownership of him so she can pay for his vet bills. I am determined to pay for his treatment so I will sell the car (which although I love my freedom with it, is also a bit of a luxury and I now need the funds for his veterinary care).

I pray he doesn't die as he only has a 50% chance of survival being so tiny and only 9 weeks old.

JG: wasnt he immunized before you picked him up ?

Me: yes he was. but only one vaccine. I am praying it is not parvo so he has a fighting chance

JG: did you take him out of your yard ?

Me: he was due for his next vaccine in a week and a half.

me: no I kept him home with me

JG: hmmm ok well that sucks, hope he comes good

Me: yehh…. sucks big hairy balls. Bev is just as shocked and devastated. He was so healthy. I can't imagine how this went so wrong. He got sick so suddenly.

I didn't have enough money to get my anti-depressant script filled. so only took one remaining one. I will have to borrow $6.10 to get the script filled tomorrow. in my dream I dreamt I had the option of getting shot or leaping off a cliff in the most beautiful scenery I have ever seen. Some omen. I feel like that now. between the devil and the deep blue sea.

I hated letting Alcide go but it is his only chance to get treatment now, as it will take me a few days to sell my car and I will wait and see how much it costs for now. No regrets. That puppy lit up my life and made me the happiest I have been since I last fell in love. So he is worth every penny!!!

Today I decided to name him Alcide Beauregard Arons. The name Beauregard popped into my head when I asked myself why I had the urge to call him Bobo even though his name was already chosen as Alcide. So Jarrod googled beauregard and it means Beautiful Gaze. I hope the good lord is smiling upon him me and Bev so he comes home to me in full health. Be'ezrat Hashem. Blessed Be.

In the Zohar, when a person has a life threatening event it is a tradition to take on a second name so the Angels watch over you and bring you luck. So here it is: De Mama Tanya is superstitious and has prayed to God and Goddess (Shechinah) to heal my sick little fur child so now he has 2 names along with his pedigree name and we are hanging between the Sephiroth by our fingernails and paw claws for yet another miracle. Psy Sighs!

Louise Winton: Tanya I am so sorry to hear about Alcide I am thinking of you. I hope he makes it XXXX. Try not to be on your own, will Jarrod come over?

Me: thanks Louise

Me: No my friends have been marvellous. Lyn took me and picked me up from hospital yesterday, waited 4 hours for me. Jarrod came all the way to gympie with me on Sunday to pick Alcide up and we were both so enchanted and in love with him. He has been on the phone for hours with me as I raved on about my ill fortune and other crazy crap that happened in my life. This means he is behind with his work.

I am a shit friend making so much demands on my friends. Enough already. I will be all right on my own. I have debriefed my Tochus off, chewed Jarrod’s ear off, cried my heart out, prayed to God, cursed my demons and still eating my own liver waiting to see how little Alcide fares during the night and trying to remain positive that I will hold him in my arms again, fully restored to his natural vigour.

I will go to bed after I eat some dinner and try to rest. It’s been a traumatic day, and yesterday was horrid too, with the colonoscopy, so really 2 icky days. But then there is always a new day and hope for better times and happiness with my boy. I am hanging in there, kid. 🙂

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12.00 noon. I woke up from a very weird but scenic dream. The blues and greens of the ocean were sublime. The coastal area was spectacular. I don't know where this spot was but I definitely want to see it in real life.

Alcide had escaped his crate. Not sure how. He has chewed my iPhone power cord which fortunately was not plugged in. I will have to make sure his crate is closed properly during the night! We got up at 4 am for a pee so I must have left it open then.

26 November 2014

Damn the inside lining of my mouth is ulcerated where I got the injection at the dentist on Monday. No wonder I have been feeling low. Possibly why all I wanted to eat yesterday, were ice cream blocks although I did eat avocado on toast for dinner.

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Hot as Hades! I have been in front garden, weaving Sylvanberry tendrils and vines into my chainlink fence. Barefoot! Now I have splinters in my foot. (When will I learn that grounding with Mother Gaia is good for the soul but potentially dangerous for the body ie Septic Arthritis, Tetanus, splinters, other injuries.)

Schmeh! I love feeling the earth beneath my feet!

26 November 2013

So here's my crazy thing. Today I got a bee in my bonnet about all the tiny rocks and stones and loose aggregate on my front pathway. As I am always barefoot, I worried about the constant pain from stepping on the little sharp stones.

Ergo I spent an hour or two in sunlight, yes I was awake during the day, sifting and picking up errant problematic stones and putting them in a crate. I was very proud of my efforts which I've thought about doing for some time, as my hens scatter the stones when they forage.

So I thought, a win-win situation. No stones for hens to scatter and no sore footsies.

Ba Baaaaam! So dumbarse (that would be me!) also diligently and lovingly cut down a bamboo stem, and trimmed it and kept the stalk for use in garden. (I was happy with my effort).

So, much later, around 8 pm, dumbarse aka Moi, decides to clean out the poop from the chook pen (to the outrage of my hens), so after doing that effort, Stupid, yes me again, decides to throw above-mentioned poop around the bamboo clump, and the back garden.

So as I am walking back, just near the bamboo clump, I feel something very sharp, go deep into my foot. It was dark so I thought, hmmm ok, this must be a spike or prickle from the bamboo (epic denial).

So I pull the sharp thing out of my right foot, then walk to the kitchen and with the light on and my broken glasses sort of on, get the shock of my life. It was not a spike or a prickle from the bamboo but one of the huge Nappy Pins I use to hold together my lingerie bag (pillow case) I use to wash my delicates in.

The pin was 2 cms in my damn foot and the other side of the nappy pin was missing so I'm guessing it had been run over by my lawn mower man, so lucky it didn't flick him in the face.

I had no Dettol, so I washed it carefully and put Savlon on it. There was no pain, until now. Here it is 12.21 am and now the foot hurts like Hades. So I am soaking it in salt water.

I am seriously thinking of going to ER for a tetanus injection and to get them to make sure it doesn't go Septic like my left foot did in March 2012.

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4.42am. Home from hospital. Need to go to bank to withdraw money so I can put petrol in my car and go chemist for antibiotics to cover me.

It was a bit hairy driving to PA with barely enough petrol and a sore right foot which almost slipped on the accelerator. Scary but lucky I am an excellent driver. Better driver than a moronic Barefoot Gardener.

Oh well crisis over. Just need to keep foot up and watch for any signs of infection.

Glad to be alive and home. Just made pancake mix...absolutely starving. I had no money to buy crap in the vending machines. It's kinda weird the toxic shit they sell in ER vending machines.

They even have this eerie glow about them...tantalising me to "buy me, buy me". All those chocolate bars and no moolah. Fuck my Life. So homemade pancakes will have to do me 🙂.

I had a wave of nausea when the young Dr shot me up with Tetanus vaccine. I am sure it was psychosomatic but damn I am looking forward to my pancakes.

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6.02 am going to bed now. having a crushing sense of loneliness and sadness, probably a reaction to my night at the PA waiting to be seen and to be sent home. Schmeh, A good sleep will improve my mood. I need to go to the chemist later.

26 November 2011

Jarrod invited me for lunch at Coorpooroo RSL and we had a nice beer together as well ( in summer I enjoy the occasional beer lol). We had a jolly time.

Last night I went out and met a nice man who was quite keen on me and gave me his phone number. We got along fine but I was a bit reticent most likely cos I am so ill and I had my eye on another man. Lol. Will probably see him next week rather than phone him.

I am really enjoying meeting lots of men and for the first time in my life being admired by several guys so actually can relax, have fun, have options and I don't need to leap into a relationship straight away although there are 2 guys I already feel an affinity for, so I am holding back and trying to just enjoy the attention without the pressure as no man has ever truly loved me because I usually do the Hunting lol.

So I am curious to discover which one will come up Trumps and in the meantime I am continuing to have fun!

26 November 2010

Today has been surreal in the extreme. I guess the movie of my life has reached the climax phase and I'm now about to ascend to the exhilarating beat of the tension of the horror moment in the movie....the one just before you jump out of your seat, with sweaty palms, nausea and a hint of hysteria. Let's see what tomorrow brings....OY!

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“While you scream at your woman, there's a man wishing he could whisper in her ear. While you humiliate, offend, and insult her, there's a man flirting with her and reminding her how beautiful she is.

While you hurt her, there's a man wishing he could take her pain away. While you make your...woman cry, there's a man stealing smiles from ...her. Post this on your wall if you're against Domestic Violence”

Me: a very poignant statement. Also my other personal favourite, simplistic but true, written by Radical Feminist Lesbians (Thank You so much Ladies) on a wall near Victoria University of Wellington when I was a very young student there "IF HE BEATS YOU, LEAVE!" That made a huge impact on me and was the best Graffiti I ever saw. To the point, accurate and inspiring!

26 November 2009

had a interesting time at my mother's Christmas Party at her Dementia Ward. Mum no longer can eat solid food and has to be fed and refused to eat the Pavlova which used to be her favourite thing. They even give her jelly-like substance as drinks.

I guess she is on the downhill slide to Oblivion. Not pretty to watch though. She was very sleepy and looked quite upset with life in general too.

(From the Comment section:)

Sylvia Shine: so sorry,what's become of your mum,she was so vibrent,so many laughs we had together,good memories in NZ and MEL,at least,she's in a world of her own,Hope Crystel,gets what she strives for,wish her luck from me,be well,love Sylvia x x x x x

Me: I know Sylvia, Mum was always so larger than life and completely overshadowed her loved ones in so many ways. Now she is slowly becoming the shadow and it is truly very confronting. I am glad you remember her fondly and remember her vibrance and vivacity.

My darling Crystal auditioned for NIDA today and got into the final round for the selection process. So we are very excited as it looks like she has a real chance of being accepted into NIDA. Won't know til Tuesday whether she gets in or not.

I am terribly worried about how she will be able to support herself in Sydney or where she will live, but the hard part is getting accepted and I'm sure everything else will fall into place around that. I am so proud of her. She has worked so hard and really deserves success on the merits of her talent and determination and resilience.

Love to you also Sylvia...keep your fingers crossed for my daughter on Tuesday....will let you know how she goes!

xxxxxxxooooooooo

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons