Letter to My Childhood Self

Dear little one,

I have so much to say to you that I don’t know where to begin. Much was left unsaid. Too much. So many thoughts, feelings, and emotions never found a voice; were never expressed — not in words, not in laughter, not in tears, nor in any other form. You always kept them to yourself, dear one. You never gave them a face, a name. There they stayed with you, you and you alone.

Thoughts, trapped in your mind; feelings, locked in your heart; emotions, buried in your soul; and words, kept in your mouth, until you simply swallowed them whole, unable to break them down, nor digest them. They went back to where they came from and that’s where they stayed. Lingering, slowly forgotten, fading with the years, but they never left you. They remained in your inner being, layer after layer of unhandled thought, feeling, and emotion. Like an onion, ever-growing, with each layer, gradually filling up your heart, soul, and mind. With every layer that you added, your inner playground grew in complexity. With each passing year, it became harder to see where it had all started. (Now, at 30 years of age, I find myself wondering, who am I, really?) The longer the thoughts, feelings, and emotions stayed cropped up inside, the more they settled there. They took root in your heart, your mind, and your soul; and they started to grow. They became part of you until you thought they were you. The more you thought the thoughts, the more you started to believe them, and there was no one who could oppose them since you didn’t reveal them to anyone. Were you simply a prisoner of your own thoughts, feelings, and emotions? They were like weeds that were constantly growing, covering everything with a thick layer of leaves, branches, and roots. Not only was it hard to see what was underneath, nothing else could take root either. Anything that tried would simply be swallowed up by the weeds. (Now, at 30 years of age, I would like to untangle that complex web of thoughts, feelings, and emotions, to uncover that underneath which is me. But where do I even start?)

I’ve come to realise that I do not know myself, but I’d like to get to know me now. I’ve started the long process of peeling back the onion layers, of pulling out the weeds. Sometimes it makes me cry, sometimes my hands get dirty, but it’s worth it. Sometimes I feel confused. What do I pull out or cut and what should I leave? How do I distinguish between the weeds and me? What will I find behind each layer that I peel back? I have to admit I’m scared. The process seems daunting to me at times.

But I want to tell you something today, dear little one: All those thoughts and fears that you’re hearing? They are not you. They are not real and they are not true. I know you believe them now, but I want you to know, you longer have to. You know which ones I’m talking about, right? Deep down, I know you know. “I’m not good enough.” “I’m not worth it.” “I’m weak, slow, incapable, boring, and ugly.” “My voice sounds stupid.” “I’m weird.” “I don’t do enough.” “I’m useless.” “I don’t matter.” “Things are just too hard for me.” “I’m gonna fail, I always do.” “I don’t have anything interesting to say.” “I’m not able to express myself well.”

Do you see how many thoughts you’ve taken captive over the years? You never tested any of those thoughts, you just let them in. Do you see how they’ve taken you captive? You’re like a prisoner of your own mind. But you know what the good news is, dear one? You can break free. From every. Single. Thought. I know you find that hard to believe right now, but you can trust me. You’ve trusted almost no one in life but did that keep you from harm? You tried to rely fully on yourself, and yet, you don’t know yourself. I know you’re afraid but I want you to know that your path to freedom lies in finally letting out all those thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Not all at once — God forbid — you do need to breathe, remember? ;) You can take it easy, dear. You can take your time. You’ve been running past yourself all these years. Now it’s time to be. Relax. Take a deep breath. Just start by peeling back the first layer, take a peek. And you might be surprised to find that you actually like what you see. Because you know what, dear one, life is not as scary as you’ve always been told. It’s not so hard. And guess what? You are able. You can pull out that weed, “I’m not able.”, by its roots, and you can sow a new seed, “I am able.” Water it daily, open up to the sun, and one day you’ll be surprised to see a beautiful plant growing there.

Little one, you can start growing the garden of your soul. You can start today. Your time to bloom is now. Nurture that which is you. You’re too bright and beautiful to hide under the weeds, under so many layers. I know you don’t believe it yet, but you have a light inside of you that can illuminate the world. I know that sounds too incredible to believe, absurd even. “How can I illuminate anything?”, you’re thinking. But know this: All seeds start small, dear little one. A tiny seed can grow into a giant tree. A journey of 1,000 miles starts with a single step. Small David caused giant Goliath to fall with a single stone in a sling. One tiny ant can carry 5,000 times its own weight. Should I go on? I think — I know — you get my point: Though many things seem unlikely to us, it doesn’t mean they can’t happen. Dream big, little one. Revive your dreams that were crushed by those around you while growing up. Peel back the, “I am weak.” layer, and find your strength that’s hiding underneath. It’s been there all along, you just didn’t see it. How strong you are, I also do not know yet, but I know it’s stronger than your wildest imagination. Are you ready to discover it? I am. (Now, at 30 years of age, I’m yearning to finally be who I am. Because I’ve been there all along. I just couldn’t see it with all the layers of thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Whoever I am, got overgrown with weeds.)

I know you didn’t hear this often, my dear heart, but: “I believe in you!” I know you can do it. You were told that you live in a big, scary world that is too dangerous for a little girl like you. But what if I told you: It’s not! What if I told you that you live in a world full of adventure, opportunity, and treasures to discover. Would you believe me? Imagine if you would dare to come out of hiding and you would discover it’s actually much nicer outside than in your shell? What if the world is better than the imaginary worlds you’ve been living in all your life? Do you think it’s worth it to face your fears so you can start exploring the vast world around you for the first time? Would you believe me if I told you that you’d like it? I do. (Now, at 30 years of age, I’ve seen a glimpse of the big, beautiful world, and it’s made me hungry for more.)

Little one, so many things they’ve been telling you are simply not true. I want to invite you to start looking at the world through your eyes, not through those of others. I think, no, I know you will like it. Because I know you. And, let me ask you, are you ready for the world to know you too? I am. I’ve come out of hiding and I’m not willing to crawl back into my shell. So, will you take my hand and take the leap of faith together? Dive into the deep? Head for the sky? Explore all the corners of this world, with everything it has to offer? I am. I’m as ready as I’ll ever be. And I know you don’t realise it yet, but I know you are ready too. So, let’s go and explore this wonderful world together. And all those layers? I’m certain those will fall off one by one as we keep on exploring. The weeds will whither and make room for the most beautiful flowers to grow. We will bloom, little one. The layers will reveal the garden of your soul, as they peel away on our journey called “life”. What do you say, dear one? Are you ready to live? I am. And I know you are too. And I know you believe me because I believe in you.

Love,

Me

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