Memories: 25 October 2023

25 October 2023

25 October 2022

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5:23 am not much sleeping again…Bobo woke me up at 2 am as he needed to pee. So that was that. I am getting my hair done tomorrow so will probably fall asleep in the chair lol.

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3:25 am Big thunder storm here. Woohooo!

https://youtu.be/Rwqkrco6OBs

25 October 2021

Yesterday was a bit weird. I wrote on my timeline 5 days ago that I had deleted all my texts, notes and the phone number of my former love interest. After 8 years of epic awfulness and unrequitedness I decided finally, on my own terms…to move on.

No love for me in the Covid shitstained Zombie Apocalypse. No man true enough to stand with me or by me at the end of this global society in all its disarray and treachery. Every man, woman and dog for themselves!

The best made plans of mice, men and the Tanya Aight?!

So almost as an afterthought as it was such a scathing hot day (35 degrees) I gathered up my drum, my drumsticks, and my dog and drove to West End for our monthly full moon drumming circle.

On the road I had a Jeep behind me. It was the wrong colour and a slightly newer model. All good. I am not being stalked I think.

By the time I drive through Dutton Park there were more Jeeps. I thought Oh my, how triggering…so many Jeeps on the road whenever I drive to drumming but no biggie. It’s a huge universe and Jeeps are every upwardly mobile hippie man’s dream.

I was the first to arrive at Orleigh Park. I was grateful that the former lover did not show up even though he has sent his energy signature ahead of him with all the fucking Jeeps. Bejaysus!

A man arrived at the circle and seemed overly enthusiastic and a bit keen. I smiled prosaicly. No harm no foul in enthusiasm and passion unless it is directed too much at me.

He seemed a kind man and was protective of my overly bombastic brutish beast of a dog who wanted to bark at everyone yesterday. I might have to leave him home in future. He was even mean to Ivy whom he loves usually.

So anyway, after drumming, I climb back in my car after wandering around a short distance as I lost one of my new silver rings, the pinky one…dammit!

I drive towards home and just out of West End I see another Jeep in the right lane beside me. I did not even look at the driver. Too intense and too insane! The Jeep accompanied me up as far as the turn off to Fairfield.

Same colour, same model same vintage. (I think probably not Him!)

But for the love of all the gods why am I surrounded by Jeeps, every time I attend drumming circle? It’s not logical.

How did I empower this Shade of a man so much that I am now haunted by similar vehicles to the one he drives and I have cut the connection so it should not be happening anymore!

A man that only played weird cruel sadomasochistic games with my heart? Oh and I did play back, push back because I was in love and my heart is authentic and my spirit more powerful than he bargained for…as that other dead ghost of a toxic lover from 1998-2000 found out.

He too tries to haunt me from time to time. What can I say? When you lay a man right you have a vampire for life or eternity?!

No wonder I treat every new potential male friend or partner with deep prosaic consternation and a mixture of ghastly horror. I still have the psychic scars staining my auric field from those other men. 56 years old and the wounds are still fresh.

If I win lotto (hah!) I will buy myself a brand new Jeep and take back my power and drive around Brisbane laughing my head off! Or better yet a Porsche.

But I don’t need a metallic shitstained superficial status symbol as proof of my mana or genital status! I am happy with my red Mazda named the Ein Sof!

No one fucks with The Tanya. Sexually or metaphysically or emotionally. Anymore!

Get back in your jeep and ride away Mofo. I loved you. More than you were worth.

But the metallic doppelgängers tell me that the magic between us is not dead yet. I still have healing to do…

Metal/ steel = Alchemise the cheapskate Jeep owner. Desalinate him out of my system. We had a lovely chat back in July but nothing came of it. No thing. Penile platitudes and envy of The Tanya gets you No where, no Thing, No How.

My life is too valuable to waste on idiots. I should have a PHD in wasting-life-on-callow-shallow-false-cowardly-men by now.

When will I gain mastery and blossom into a real mutually exclusive nurturing Love again?Is it even possible after all the damage done to my heart and mind and body?

Psy sighs. Dreaming of love in an actual apocalypse. That truly is insane, or a base atrophied survival mechanism.

I must hold my ground and stand tall on my hobbit tootsies and remain in love with Life, our planet and my own Being until the time comes that I blossom out again.

25 October 2020

I am thoroughly enjoying watching “The Queen’s Gambit” on Netflix. About a female chess champion. Brilliant!

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I feel a strong sense of foreboding. Like someone out there thinks they can play with my life: like I am a victim or a plaything.

It’s not a pleasant feeling but I have been through this kind of thing before. I will make sure I am ready for anything.

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11:11am again with the elevenses! What’s cooking...Angels?! I am not well so I pray for some respite from Chaos and drama!

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Trigger warning: CSA

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The last paragraph about the impacts on interpersonal Relationships and lack of Trust is very true!

I woke up this morning with a regular PTSD dream I have been having for over a week. Dreaming that I am due to board a flight back to NZ but my house is still full of my possessions and I have been unable to either sell them or get anyone to claim them and there is no time left. Very stressful and upsetting.

It took me several minutes to ground myself after waking up from the nightmare. I had to remind myself (as I often do!) that I am safe. That I am not being suddenly uprooted from my home and that I am not likely to be going anywhere in a hurry and certainly not to NZ.

I still feel shaken up the sensations of the dream. It’s an awful feeling to be between “worlds” ie moving house or country with half your possessions in one place and half moved to another or in the case of the dream feeling I had to walk out of my home and abandon everything and not look back.

My first thought when I woke up shaking was “Declutter!” But I have decluttered quite a lot in recent years. Why should I strip myself bare and divest myself of everything?!

I DESERVE the things I have as I fought for them. I also DESERVE A HAPPY SAFE LIFE FULL OF LOVE, Acceptance and Serenity...which I strive to gift myself every day although serenity comes in only brief moments.

My Complex PTSD has been severely triggered for me to be dreaming like this.

I will have to be gentle with myself today and in the following weeks. Otherwise I will spiral under.

25 October 2019

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid02jrKPWfWq4ky9fZjU99DCdEdrER3WkGZaXJLhDjasJGYz1i5y3Z3SHbKjYttR3nk1l&id=1340840204&mibextid=v7YzmG

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The shift I predicted happened. Sorta. The third bedroom door where Charlie resides which has not been able to shut for many months, suddenly was able to be closed today. It is still sticking though so I am still going to leave the door slightly ajar. This house is so old that it must be dancing on its stumps.

I have had Sophie to the vet as she is still unwell. Fortunately Sally is on her way back to Brisbane so she can say goodbye to Sophie tomorrow as she may still need euthanising. But we have given Sophie antibiotics and some subcutaneous fluids so it buys Sophie a bit more time.

The vet suspects peritonitis and a racing heart. The timing is a bit surreal and nothing seems normal for the past few weeks. But Sophie had a nice life here and there is nothing more we can do.

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Update: 25 Oct 2019 The first time I experienced actual happiness was a terrifyingly blissful watershed moment. I thought I had gone insane.

My psychiatrist told me that this society fears happiness, medicates it, imprisons it, tries to nullify it. So the ultimate Resistance is to be happy anyway.

A wise loving kind wonderful Mentor. I miss that old man. The closest person to being a father figure I ever had.

I have not needed psych meds since 3 June 2016. It took that long to reclaim my mind after decades of errant abuse.

Lately I have been battling some depression triggered by physical pain and horror after that last awful surgery. But I am riding my own emotions like a skilful chariot master.

I will get through this. As I have gotten through so much worse. I look forward to a better sweeter more loving life than ever before. That is my heartfelt goal.

Surround myself with people and souls who love me and respect and care about me. Gather my spirit together and Become whatever the gods decree to be my highest soul expression.

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25 October 2018

Yayyy. A storm is blowing through. Happiness! (And rainnn!)

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When is this killing spree going to stop?

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The humidity is making me lose focus. I went to pick up a few groceries and forgot dog food. Luckily I have some home cooked stuff in the freezer as I am not in the mood to go out again. Grrrr!

I finally sourced some liquid gloss so I can finish off the clown suitcase for Crystal. Phew! I drove to Officeworks at Wooloongabba. They didn’t have any.

I rang Art Shed at West End. They don’t stock it as apparently it yellows over time.(Infuriating!) but one whole side needs completion and it’s no good changing to a better quality resin as the rest will yellow and that side will not, so it will look even worse as it ages.

So I rang Spotlight and they told me they had some (couldn’t find it the other day!). So off to Spotlight I went feeling more and more drained by the heat and frustration of chasing all over town for the liquid gloss.

Then on to supermarket...which always zones me out. Finally home. I am Grateful to be home too. What a fuss and bother!

Well at least the suitcase will be finally completed in time for Crystal’s Birthday after so many long delays.

Progress!

25 October 2017

This morning, an ordinary Wednesday, I am feeling much brighter. Must have slept well. Although my acid reflux was bad and I had to take a pill, and I woke up with a pain under my right arm, in my rib cage (what calisthenics do I perform in my sleep, constantly slaying dragons and beating back daemons?!) I feel less morose than I have done for the past few days.

A good day, me thinks. Lightness of being. Elevated and sanctified.

Yesterday I bought some groceries at Coles and the young man who served me was very kind and attentive. We were both wearing purple tshirts. His was for some kind of fundraiser.

I must have looked World-weary and depressed as he called me into his 12 items queue (even though I had more than that, and he did not ask me for charity and helped load my trolley as I had hefty items: toilet rolls and a big bag of dog food).

Anyway I was touched by his extra kindness. Perhaps that made me feel better today. Or knowing I have all my bills paid and food in the house again. Or advocating for fellow povvos like me in Housing (Premier Palascuk is bringing in interest-free loans for solar for the rest of society while the marginalised like us are fucked up the arse!)

I got trolled by some white privileged rich bitch so I had the pleasure of telling her to fuck off and outing her as a psychopath. Still beating back internet trolls and other assorted arseholes after all these years. Exhausting but satisfying.

Who will fight for me? No one. But that makes no difference. I stand up for those who have been crushed by poverty and trauma while the rest of the world looks on with smug salivating schadenfreude. That takes courage and a certain degree of crazy.

25 October 2016

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Busy day. Lawnmowing being done. Housing maintenance just arrived. Thankfully he can fix the bannister rather than having to replace it with steel stairs and railing. So that is a relief.

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25 October 2015

8.19 pm just woke up. I have been utterly exhausted this week. I am glad I got to go dancing last night. I came home early, at 2 am, dropped Terina home, had a cup of Rosella tea with her, then came home and had a hot Epsom salt bath. My feet are still aching. It was good to get moving again!

I think I still need to build up my strength but that will happen.

I am getting happier again and looking forward to a new puppy in a few months time. That will bring me so much joy!

I am blessed with beautiful friends who love me! Lucky blessed happy loving woman here!

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3.27 pm BPJC/Beit Or AGM done and dusted. Now heading back home to Schluff! Or perhaps grout my mosaic.

25 October 2014

Hmmm.

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Sleeping and dreaming. Woke up to a snippet of “Hotel California”. “You are programmed to receive”. Interesting.

I dreamt of a posh housing estate with a canal which for some reason I wanted to swim in. As if...those things are riddled with sharks!

I wonder what my mind is doing as I lie dying while floating in the Astral. Lmao.

I know what the message means. I sent a link about Energy Vampires to my Empty Void Stalkee. I was thinking about how much of myself I am giving and giving but I can't seem to stop. Lol.

So I am being told not to worry. What I give away only blesses me with more wisdom, love and happiness, even if it feels like a terrible loss and grief at the time.

As I wrote to him, "I slip and fall so I can rise and shine. Almagamating the dichotomy of my soul's journey".

I just love my current nervous breakdown. What fun!

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2.46 am. Home from a lovely night out with Karen. We went to the Shabbat Project held by BPJC. We had a lovely Pot luck dinner and we got some awesome cuddles with baby Avram Shalom, Rebecca and Adam Colldenburg's third child.

What a gorgeous little man. He was smiling and making cute little baby talk to me. I joked with Karen that he would be the only man (in the making!) we would be squeezing tonight.

Then we went to hear Berst rock out their great tunes and we danced and danced. My feet are killing me but I feel fantastic!

25 October 2013

3 am. I was just outside merrily watching my spawning goldfish. Wow! They are really enjoying themselves! I tried to video it on my iphone but it failed for some reason. I have placed the spawning mop I made back in the pond in the hope of getting some eggs.

Now time for a schluff. Life is good! Be better when my dry socket is healed.

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got some eggs on the first spawning mop so placed it in the empty pond ready for the fry. have made another mop for tonight's lovemaking efforts. Hmmm. I wonder if there will be more eggs tomorrow morning?

25 October 2011

Today I saw my psych then came home and extended my strawberry patch, built mounds and planted out more strawberry plants, covered them with black plastic. Finished just in time for sundown. Now need some straw or lucerne to place over plastic to keep the ground cooler.

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I'm feeling rather tired after my week of happiness. My doc agrees I may have to keep taking extra Seroquel to quell my excitement if it gets too much. I am so unused to actual genuine happiness that I need to calm down lol. Oh well, at least I got a lot done in the garden. Now have to focus on the housework lol.

25 October 2010

Snapped twigs into my compost (lots more to do!), weeded vege garden, moved some bricks. Now totally exhausted but garden starting to make sense. Oh and had a walk with Harvey and Bella in Toohey Forest. Had lots of Deja Vu with the cyclists going around and around me. (or was I dizzy?)

Nanny Dubs: can u come do my gardens please

Me: Ummm no Tania LOL,, I'm in aussie and the soundtrack to my life is "The Laziest Gal in the World" sung by Marlene Dietrich. It's taken me almost 12 months to get my garden to look like a real garden. Oy! I hadn't done much since I moved in here 7 years ago so I had lots to catch up on, and it's a work in progress!

25 October 2009

I am a Stray that lives in Stray-yah on what was once GoneWandering Land so watch out I might go WalkAbout and join a Corroborree, if anyone will have me!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons