Memories: 19 October 2023

19 October 2023

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19 October 2022

11:11 pm all day I have seen 11s. Something is stirring in our cosmos. Awakening. Whelping us. The bloodless curs as well as the docile denialists. But fear not. There is always redemption for those who are brave enough to live in harmony with our earth, our gods, each other. Always a new blossoming.

I debriefed with my doctor today and explained my hypomania and my abundant spiritual energy and creativity. I told him I felt like a giant dandelion flower casting my little flower seeds across this earth, into the ether like a Last hurrah, or a renaissance, leaving my stories, my art, my personality, my witticisms, my observations as little fractal seeds that someone somewhere, might stumble upon or discover and say “Oh look…wow…I get it”.

I am making my life beautiful and instead of wallowing in the Freudian ”Thanatos” imposed on humanity in recent years, the hideous and moronic anti-humanist anti-planetary Death Cults…I gave birth to my art, my writing and my ever nascent Hope for a better version of myself on the other side of this horror.

The horror shitshow will end. Eventually.

My doctor concurred that I had made great use of my time, limited resources and energy by turning the ghastly horror of the last two years into something creative, generative, soul sustaining. That my cottage industry idea is being modelled across the globe as the masses have lost trust in government, institutions, commerce, industry and even now health professionals.

We are restructuring society into smaller tribes that support and sustain each other: out of necessity. He said to me “You go Girl! You keep doing what you are doing. What sparks joy, gifts you validation, satisfaction and if you make some money eventually that is a bonus!”

I don’t know if I will ever succeed monetarily but I am striving towards that goal. He understands that my complex ptsd has left me with some cognitive damage. Damage that has affected my interpersonal relationships, my ability to work with/for others, to overcome intense anxiety, my fear of failure/fear of success.

But every day I am trying to rebuild my life for the thousandth time from “ground zero”. Too many ground zeros. And yet…I continue to hope for a life that is cherished, nurtured, respected, perhaps honoured and yes that much desired love partner to enter my life and circumscribe that much vaunted peace.

The freedom to be me in all Aspects of my Being without fear, abuse, suffering or arrant folly. To be loved for no reason but that, like any other living creature on this planet: I am worthy of that Love and genuine care and yes, at times, support.

I need to trust in the process as a generative mother of a dandylioness that my energy will attract the One that proves worthy of me. That matches mine. Not in a sickening destructive power dynamic but as a sweetness, a kindness, an equally mutually satisfying and solid partnership. Unafraid to hold me in his arms and careful to neither smother or sully me.

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11:11 am. I need to get out of bed and function. I also need to make a wish. But if wishes were guaranteed I would not be lying, isolated and exhausted, in bed. Catch 22.

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10:36 am I feel like I am skirting around the edges of some kind of breakdown. I had trouble getting to sleep last night. I went to bed at 2 am and although physically and mentally exhausted after spending most of yesterday transcribing my writings onto vocal media…My brain would not shut off.

So I woke up at 10 am after only about 5 hours sleep. It’s insane making.

I am going to try to rest today. I have a debrief this afternoon. I don’t know what is wrong with me? Where this excess spiritual energy is coming from or how to “tame” it? I guess I will have to burn out eventually.

I am also thinking that I am doing what I always do. Having a complete nervous collapse after the imminent threats are removed or at least have gone dormant for a while. It’s like I can only relax when I think it’s safe to do so.

But this supercharged anxious enervated energy is getting too much even for me. I need to quiet that dragon. It’s electrifying but exhausting.

19 October 2021

Today was a hard day. But I managed to vacuum the floors and my bed to eliminate the mud that The Beau Blessed me with, at midnight last night. Clay was stuck in large clumps in between his paw pads. I still had to yank a large piece out this afternoon. He was not happy about that!

I managed a walk around the block and stopped to have a chat with little Lachlan who requested a lollipop so I gave him and his baby sister one each. Little Alice clutched onto hers triumphantly and gleefully so I took photos of her with her big brother and mother, Libby. It was cute!

Then I came home and laid on the grass for a while. Eventually my mood lifted. But it was a long slow grind today, dragging my mood back from the abyss implanted by inveterate abysmal and threatening politicians. Yuck!

The psychic vampire contagion is devastating.

Note to self: ignore all news updates in the future. Especially since they are openly threatening people now.

Probably hoping to make money off another panic wave of hoarding. Eventually people will start a Revolution.

As they are sick of the tyranny, the threats, the extortion and the disproportionate fear mongering of the “elites”. Elite..give me a break. Stinking putrescent cuntish classless gronking little Nazis is what they really are.

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2:54 am unable to sleep. Lots of reflux again. Overstimulated nervous system. Racing thoughts. Probably overdid the housework as I have been extremely fatigued in recent weeks.

What can The Tanya do, alone in the middle of the night? Listening to the sound of silence and my tinkling fountain and a weirdly high pitch which is probably the electronics in the house.

Beauregard went out to pee before we went to bed. He was gone a longgg time. He came back in and dumped big clumps of clay or mud all over the floor and in my bed. His paws are extremely itchy and tender from all the bindis in the lawns. Poor dog.

So now I have to clean the floors again. Arggghhh. Tomorrow, and tomorrow in an endless cycle of vicious relentless domesticity.

Still in all it’s nice to have a dust free bedroom to sleep in for a change. Much kinder to my asthmatic lungs.

I might lie here and attempt sleep and if not, I will have to get busy doing something productive.

Laila Tov/Boker tov!

19 October 2020

Today has been very strange. Last night I prayed to my guardian angel to heal my mind body and spirit. To allow me a true love blessed by God for a beautiful partnership based on mutual love and respect.

Then for the second night in a row I was unable to sleep until 4 am. (Woke up at 10:45am). I have been in a strange but elevated almost euphoric mood all day.

I saw a YouTube video called “Real Exorcist -Vatican trained Father Gary Thomas (New) Interview” which was posted 7 months ago.

I responded to a comment someone wrote about the Salem Witch trials which were based on hysteria and false claims by villagers and the Catholic Church at that time.

19 October 2019

Rainnnnnn! Blessings from the upper world down upon this middle world to nourish and replenish all that was taken by drought and misery.

Gosh, I might need to buy an umbrella. Thor is very loud this morning! Terrific!

Shabbat Shalom to the Holy One, Creator of universes.

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11:11am. I woke up to impending rain. Excellent. We need to be refreshed.

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1:11 am. Can’t sleep. Might as well have gone dancing. Grrr!

19 October 2018

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Lying in bed I see a flash in my mind of a man in a red tartan kilt and a black shirt and vest. I ignore the momentary flash as I am watching a show on Gaia called “The Power of Sound with Jill Purce”. Then again I see “Black Douglas” which is a name of a whiskey named after Sir James Douglas, who fought in Scotland.

Wtf?! No idea what the message is or what I am being shown here. But it is some kind of message. As the words confirmed the image of the man. Odd!

19 October 2017

Home from a lovely night celebrating Gina and Dolly's birthday party at The House of Siam restaurant on Hope Island. Gorgeous spot. Gorgeous friends. Lovely food, a veritable feast!

So much Love and happiness. It was so good to see my beautiful Nena. Thanks Gina! Love you!

19 October 2016

I had a lovely evening with Lyn. She made me dinner and took me to see "Miss Peregrin's Home for peculiar Children". Excellent movie. Puppy (who has been very sick for a month) was glad to see me. She did a doggy dance when I arrived.

19 October 2015

I went to sleep around 11.30 pm. I was exhausted again. I was happy to have had a chat to the guy I adore. Just a friendly chat. No big love affair. But we enjoy talking to each other occasionally. This too is meaningful. To have a friend who gets you in all your quirks. That is real love to me.

Then I fell asleep and woke up at 5 am still groggy so I kept warm in my bed and slept until 7.30 am. I never ever used to awaken in early mornings. Maybe the sun-gazing at dawn recalibrated my inner clockwork? I only did it a few times after being awake all night.

My body still feels weary but my mind is currently crisp and clear (like a resonant booming church bell). Ding! Dong! Clunk! (Oops Quasi-Tanya fell off her perch, mid-chime! That is how Universal Schmucks Roll, my preciousssses!)

19 October 2014

The scrub turkey likes my free chook food so much he is moving in! Building a mound in what should be my vege patch. Now I will never get rid of him! Not Happy Tanya! (He is cute though!)

Julie Goddard: he is making a nest and he will drag dirt from one end of the yard to the next lol

Me: Yes. He is already doing that. How do I stop him?

J G: eat him 😛. Call forestry dept of ..... lol see if they can give you some advice

http://www.experienceproject.com/question-answer/How-Can-I-Stop-Bush-Turkeys-From-Digging-Up-My-Garden/532164

Me: I shoo him away constantly. He is an intrepid Motherfucker!

He even chases my chooks! I grabbed the rake to tap on his arse but he was too quick for me. Did the Ballet pirouhette onto the neighbour's shed roof.

I am going to have to slingshot him! Lol! I am sure an old pair of stockings would work

JG: yeah lol

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Utterly exhausted. I even forgot to breathe before. Now cooking up a pizza for dinner. It was a store-bought one but I added Fetta and sun-dried tomatoes.

I have done 3 loads of washing and my goal is to get my floors mopped this week. (Giggle!)

Last night George told me I looked beautiful both Friday and Saturday night. I said "thanks, but yet I am going home, alone, to my cats who love me no matter how I look and are always happy to see me."

He said "What is wrong with that?"

I grinned "Nothing, nothing at all. It's a great way to be living."

I have given up on love. Too many game-playing Head-fuckers have done my head in and made me patch my achy-breaky heart so much it is held together by duct-tape.

I am sure they hoped I would just snap crackle and pop and crawl away to die but instead I sizzle, frizzle and stomp and dance myself dizzy!

Fuck 'em! I need a man who adores me and accepts me as I am. It took 49 years to evolve this Butterfly and no bastard is going to yank off my wings.

My time to Rise and Shine in the Sunshine of the Divine.

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5.19 am. Just let the chooks out. Now in bed. With Penny! (Feet are killing me, so hopefully I get to sleep soon).

Laila Tov/Boker Tov. Good night and Good morning. :-)

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4.25 am. Eating ice cream after an epic night out dancing and then came home to a Hot Epsom Salt bath and gave myself a facial.

Life is good albeit exhausting. George said I am doing all right for a 50 year old. I said "Hang about! I have 6 months to go before I hit the Big 50!"

I am happy and grateful to be alive. Never thought I would live this long or have such an awesome time in the past 2 years.

Btw my former love interest showed up. I am still in love and he is still feigning Disinterest. Game, Set and Match!

One day I will snap out of it....

19 October 2012

I am so wired! Still haven't slept but went out in the garden to potter and let the hems out to forage. They are having a great time! I am surprised that I can't sleep or rest but this happens when I pull an all nighter.

I saw my Psych yesterday and he correctly pinpointed my current issue of wanting to go out and Rock out is due to the hurt over the demise of my 12 year friendship with Gail. He said he was proud of me to finally discern abuse when it is happening and to say No!

I must say I am relieved to be free of the toxicity and to be free to be myself and I have way more fun going out alone, as there is noone to hold me back or criticize my laughter etc.

I actually meet quite amazing interesting people like the Lady Violinist last night! I feel so excited today! Like something wonderful is about to happen ... Most likely a big storm is brewing as I always feel Wild and Amazing with stormy weather.

Right now, Sleepless in Suburbia with a sulking dog and an attention seeking cat by my side I feel so happy and I will just give myself permission to feel ecstatic as it is rare for me to feel this good.

My passionfruit vines are fruiting again, also the blueberry bushes. Everything is Perfect!

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I went out last night, dancing at the Casino then after 2 am listening to this lovely woman violinist Busker til 3 am then went home and stayed on Paltalk til 6 am and just tried to sleep for past 2 hours but can't so still awake but happy!

I got propositioned by 2 inordinately young men but my dream man was not there and I have decided to not take the crumbs but wait for the sumptuous Feast I deserve. Rather enjoying my newfound Freedom and discernment and just having fun by myself for myself until Mr Amazing comes my way which could happen.

Anything is possible and as Theodore Herzl said. "If you Will it, it is no Dream". Psychedelic Dreamer Dreams of Great Real Enduring Love... this time. :-)

Update 19 October 2020: Mama T still alone and starvin’ for a real love but that is better than settling for any more vapid Monsters. Yuck!

Life is so good for me now. I no longer even need the Willful Dream that Goes Nowhere!

The Sumptuous but ever moveable Feast can keep on rolling like the Stoned Munted Useless Fuckknuckle it really was/is ...I am going to Dine with my Desired One only the most soul-nourishing gourmand delights.

Honesty, Respect, Loyalty, Fidelity, Fun and laughter, companionship.

No more bitter tears over liars, cheats, whoremongers, polyamourist cuntish cultish knaves and other assorted users and losers.

My one true love may not even be Human. He may be divided up between my remaining pets. The jolly good fellows in the form of a cat, a bird and a dog (shhh don’t mention the blokey bloke goldfish). Sex is for the Birds! LMAO!!!!

19 October 2009

I spied with my eaglehawk eye a tiny Green Tree Frog sitting inside the branches of my Cumquat Tree. He was only slightly bigger than my thumbnail...I was busy squashing Stink Bugs so I was amazed and happy that I didn't squash froggy as well. He's the first green tree frog I’ve sighted in my garden in 6 years....wooohoooo!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons