Memories: 18 October 2023

18 October 2023

1:40 am Insomnia ….gahhhh…but something wonderful is just on the edge of my consciousness. Just out of reach…but circling, circling…could it be? Nah I dare not hope. But the times are a-changing. Manifest peace. Manifest joy. Manifest love wherever you are, whomever you are Becoming. Never give up Hope!

…

I had my debrief with my psychiatrist. He recommended I keep making my videos and exposing my Truth. Then this afternoon YouTube gave me a strike on part two of my readings of even date.

I can’t post for a week. It’s truly evil that I am being silenced and gaslighted. But I will upload on odyssey or rumble if they take me down. Nothing and noone will stop me writing/speaking my truth. It’s a matter of courage and honour and integrity.

In years to come YouTube will have serious egg on their face for their complicit behaviours with this regime. But I probably won’t still be alive for that little delicious exercise in schadenfreude. Or will I?

The gods have kept me alive long enough to witness many recalibrations, and see my intelligence and wisdom develop rich fruits and be proved very very often to be right in my intuitions and decision making. But where there is foul play, I can do nothing but wait for all the dominoes to fall. Time. I have Time.

I also received a letter this afternoon (dated 6 October) from Centrelink accusing me of having an income stream. Which I found both mystifying and hilarious.

I don’t have superannuation, or a life insurance annuity or funeral insurance (I can’t afford my own funeral ffs!) so they have decided that as I make jewellery now, that somehow I am making money. I haven’t sold anything. So no income and no streaming in the screaming psychedelic dreaming nightmare that is life in this country.

All my money goes on tools for my hobby which keeps me cocooned and relatively sane! If they are spying on my bank accounts, they can clearly see I have no income. So it’s just plain weird they sent me that letter.

Do they know something I don’t know? Like should I buy a lotto ticket? Am I due for a large miraculous financial windfall from some resource? What the actual fuck? Where and when is this mysterious financial boon they fear me actually acquiring? Curious minds want to know!

18 October 2022

Today is a potent day. Potent memories I have just transcribed to Vocal Media from the bowels of Facebookian archives. Bring me to the realisation of how very loved and supported I am by the gods and my platonic friends.

You make all the former fake lovers and abusers look like very small insignificant dreck. Yes they were shitstains and yes I had to evolve past it and yes it took decades to heal from it.

Thank you for the love, the compassion and the tolerant kindness towards me. Grateful happy woman here!

18 October 2021

Lounge and bedroom are now washed down and polished. Next job: spare bedroom and studio and kitchen/dining area.

It took me 6 hours to clean my bedroom. But it feels like an achievement.

….

Lyn Sloane: Ohhh. 'Twas upon a suggestion .... Are my visits inspirational or, um, "I don't see you often but when I do it means work! This is not fun!" 🙂

Me: Lyn Sloane haha. I hate you so much… nahhh it needed a good spring cleaning.

I need a full time housekeeper with all my ornaments, hobbies etc. I am unable to get on top of it. But will get “there” eventually!

I may have to cull even more stuff though. It’s too much work!

Kelly Anne: But you feel better for it, right? ❤❤❤

Me: Kelly Anne I will feel better when I have completed the entire house.

Me: But yes, sleeping in a dust free environment was nice. When I finally passed out at 4 am until 9 am

Kelly Anne: Dust free environment... that sounds blissful! ❤ Soon these things will all be back within my own control again too.

…

Lovely epic storm to cool the Evil Ones down in Brisbania and bring sweet release to the rest.

The gods are speaking!

The CERN collider and Haarp have been busy. Warping dimensions in search of the god particle like the ignoble cunts they are!

When anyone knows that the god particle is within and is indivisible from the fabric of the multiverses. But they keep splitting to smaller and smaller particles with their self immolation and hatred of Nature and our Mother, the Earth.

They have warped dimensions so much that we are in a timeline of ghastly horror when we already were supposed to have a “thousand” years of peace, free energy and safety and abundance for all lifeforms (including the interdimensional ancient ones!)

Which outcome do we choose? False vaccines and misogyny. Hate and hate and division. Now our government threaten the truth speakers with starvation and homelessness.

We deserve to die for what we complicity subscribed to. All of it. Long before some mad scientist dreamed up Covid.

But I, for one will die on my feet.

…

Well…back to my dusting. I finished the lounge last night. It took me hours. One room. Lots of washing and polishing the timber furniture.

Today I will attempt my bedroom. Arghhh. By the time I have cleaned all the rooms it will need doing again.

But as the government wants to starve me out and render me homeless I might as well clean house then walk out in dignity on my own two feet. As I have always done.

Kelly Anne: It sucks how they are going about this. They should have run mass education sessions instead.

Given the facts, I have no doubt ppl wouldve freely chosen the vaccination -as I did.

Me: Kelly Anne the facts? Oh you mean the lies we are all being fed like a slow drip.

But you do you. Each person has the right to choose what they consider is best for their health.

I don’t agree with coercion, threats, lies or corruption. Or football tickets or promises of winning a lottery or any of the other insane bullshit this govt has indulged in to trick plebeians into complicity.

I always remember how the homeless disappeared almost overnight and how the “vulnerable” people are targeted including now young children.

Kelly Anne: Not the "facts" as our govt presents them thats for sure. Just in terms of consensus in the research (which is just compiling data to disprove a theory / add weight in support of another).

You can find the raw data & reports being used to make these decisions under the WHO & UN etc all the enemy of capitalist govts so not likely to be supporting them unless on balance its helpful for human rights.

…

Meanwhile a man from the BCC is driving up and down the street spraying water on all the newly planted trees (on a day when it looks like we might get rain!) but I am actually delighted by this as at least trees are beautiful and soulful and it is trees who gift us oxygen. And life. And hope.

Trees which feed ecosystems and us (although stupidly the council did not plant fruit or nut trees as they are too selfish for that.). God forfend they feed the poor, marginalised, homeless humans. Hahaha nuts…all of it.

Perfect lawns and trees in a devoid soulless dystopian world…which horror movie was that? Stepford wives? Or one of those Black Mirror episodes?

Still I am grateful for trees as opposed to these cyborgs we are embellishing daily.

…

Watching today’s Covid update was an exercise in spellcasting and brain washing and gaslighting. They repeated the same mantra over and over again, whipping themselves into semi-psychotic hysteria then resorted to threats.

The fact they need to terrorise and threaten the populace in this way is just more evidence to me that their vaccines are deadly. Or perhaps that their newly contrived fear program is more deadly than Covid.

It is not sitting right with me. None of it.

I will sit patiently and await the cyanide pill I told Cameron Dick(head) to hand deliver to the citizenry rather that the false delusion of vaccines and monetisation of Death for the rest of our lives.

They threatened to cut off welfare and food and housing for the unvaccinated. Genocide in plain view. Not even hiding their true intentions.

Today is a black day in my personal history but it is not the blackest.

I have always Chosen Life against my better judgement. But now…I am forced to live amongst such evil that has been spread like a worse contagion than Covid or any other pandemics that came before (or will follow swiftly after…) I will decide. My end. My way.

But not without a god almighty fight as they are feeding this poison to our children. Children on the cusp of puberty developing their reproductive systems.

Shameful and disgusting. As though raping us as children was not enough for our governments and fellow citizenry.

I will not be Silenced.

Julie Butler: Watch the rabbit hole Tanya Arons. My mum has fallen, she’s almost 80 unvaccinated and we’re about to open up. She is at risk big time. My daughters uncle in-law died in his unvaccinated sleep alone bc he was too sick to call an ambo. Your health may be compromised too bc of your past trauma issues, please don’t listen to the misinformation. I’ve come to the realisation that people who expose themselves to the so called experts on fb have a hard time coming back. COVID is triggering (old fears, suspicion, mistrust etc)for ppl across all demographics please please listen to the health experts and really check out your sources. ABC, SBS and QLD government sites have good info, they don’t want to kill you, they want to stop the deaths and stress on the health system when QLD open up their borders.

Me: And this has been a slippery slide scale for over a decade! I reported Moreton bay nursing care unit to the Independant Visitor back in 2010 after watching that place devolve into something akin to a Romanian orphanage. It was disturbing and terrifying.

Made the prospect getting old, vulnerable and demented utterly utterly terrifying!

So what is the answer? Stay away from hospitals, doctors, scientists and their handmaiden politicians as much as is humanly possibly and strive to accept my death when it comes with as much grace and dignity as possible as it is preferable to living like this!!!!

Oh and our Queensland health system is soooo systemically abusive (every fucking time I had to be at their mercy for surgery’s et al!) that they have to hire security guards dressed like a swat team. (See their post today on a metro north security guard)

At least the security guard at QE2 was a decent person who understood my obvious distress and rage at being treated so rudely and incompetently by the colonoscopy admin staff. Disgraceful it was.

I have been at that hospital when a woman fainted in front of the hospital and no one bothered to get a wheelchair or bring her inside for treatment until I YELLED at them.

When, while waiting for treatment for my gallstones, I watched QE2 ED staff send an obviously very ill, intoxicated man out into the street and he also fainted after trying to walk out into the main road.

Our nurses by and large are either so overworked they no longer give a fuck about their jobs or we are training outright fucking sadists.

Covid is the very least of my problems.

@ Kelly Anne I am not an anti Vaxxer. End of subject.

People are being maligned stating obvious coherent truths.

I watched palace chuck (fellating handmaiden of big pharma, footballers and any other superficial evil grub she can find to keep her “power”) flubberise her own covid ethos yesterday. The lies dripped like sweat off a bush pig. Followed by the threats.

Again for the people at the back. If all Covid vaccines are so safe and good for you…why the need to threaten, debase and malign decent people who dare to question.

And fuck science! Science is how we got into this mess. Mass genocide and division.

Now I realise some of my fb friends and no doubt real life friends don’t like my serious concerns for our future and the health and safety of our children.

And maybe I am wrong…and perhaps I am Right and we will soon find out how those house of cards is played out.

The ultimate outcome is the governments will have to keep raising the ante and expect us to be like frogs in boiling water, accommodating to each new insane constriction because as happened in the Holocaust and other genocides…no one wanted to truly believe the obvious unbelievable Evil that was leaching out everywhere.

It’s oozing in our media, on fb, in general society.

People love to follow tyrannical insane leaders. Most think they are worshipping gods but all these “gods” proved to be clay footed power hungry demonic monsters.

Think Hitler, Pol Pot, Stalin.

And the Chimeric-designing scientists who “accidentally” unleashed Covid…oops!

When you fuck with Nature, Nature pushes back.

Thrust and parry. Yin and yang.

Life is life is life but I choose my own life (and my own death!) over this arrant debased insensate soulless bastardry.

@Julie Butler did you listen to palaNazi chook Threaten to cut off pensions and deny housing to the unvaccinated today.

If you have to destroy innocent naturally suspicious vulnerable people in that way, then WHAT THE FUCK IS IN THE VAccine?

Not something that is good for anyone.

As for my health, it has been precarious since I took the hepB vaccine in 2012.

My lungs have always been weak and damaged from whooping cough and measles as a 4 yo child.

I have been dying of sleep apnoea for 18 years. Oddly still alive!

I don’t subscribe to diseases du jour, to governmental fascist tyranny dressed as up as health measures, or to hysteria or brainwashing.

@Julie Butler nooo!!! Have you been to a public hospital and seen or experienced the systemic abuse?

Had to euthanise a pet while sick with bronchitis and watched them hijack the situation?

The govt IS lying. Has always lied.

I will stay in my rabbit hole. I know which End is up.

Kelly Anne: Our government I dont trust either. They are doing this by force only because of the misinformation on FB. I don't trust our government either but I do trust the science & the science overwhelmingly backs the vaccines & I dont want society returning to the dark ages again if these antivaxxer sites keep up their lies.

You've misunderstood me Tanya. I never said you were an anti-vaxxer or implied it or ever intended to imply it. What I was talking about is the antivaxxer sites & the crap being spread all over FB thats confusing good honest ppl like yourself.

Science has been corrupted by right wing capitalist governments. All science means is using the facts & presenting the data to disprove all the lies & deceit out there & what is wrong with that? Without science method theres no honesty out there cos itstheonly philosophy usingfact based evidence to support its conclusions.

Julie Butler: Tanya Arons unfortunately I thought you'd have that response but I had to say it anyway after our experience in Melbourne.

….

Today marks 21 years since Davidson and his putrid girlfriend, later wife gave me back letters that Buck had written to manipulate him then went out of their way to humiliate me.

Cruel perverted sadistic people. Evil. It was a bad day, an evil day that day. After I left his home, clutching those ugly hateful letters from Buck Scherer, subsumed by trauma and grief, I had driven to a little park under the bridge at Kangaroo Point.

I had parked my car but was in such distress, I had not noticed the car parking machines so had not paid for parking.

I had sat in my car for ten or fifteen minutes, weeping copiously and screaming and sobbing. The grief of the heartache and treachery so deep that I felt like death was preferable. People meandered past my car while I wailed and wept but as is common in my life (especially at that time…I was 35). No one cared.

After that I decided to walk to the river and try to settle myself as I knew I was in no state to make the 40 minute drive back to my home at Loganlea.

So I walked to the river, feeling numb and empty inside, thinking how good it would be to just immerse myself in the sunlit flowing eddying waters and disappear from this earth permanently.

I started weeping again, thinking of my almost 15 year old and 13 and a half year old daughters and feeling the weight of my responsibility to stay alive for only them as I had a duty to keep them safe and I knew…I knew…if I died that they would be at the mercy of my familial monsters, and I could not take the risk of leaving them to those filthy bastards.

I sat on the banks of Brisbane river and fought hard with lady death who beckoned me with a gentle caressing siren song on a gentle wind that licked salubriously at the edges of my Neshamah on that evil fateful day.

After about an hour of literally talking myself down, not wanting to gift Davidson, my mother, Buck the Schmuck, Micheal Arons, Gila and Terry and all the other evil monsters and flying monkeys my precious unique Life…

I returned to my car. Only to discover a parking fine had been slapped under my window wiper. My body soaked in shock again. I got in the car, sat at the wheel…soaking with grief and rage and shock. Another “attack” on such a beautiful day.

I started to cry but felt myself all dried out and brittle as a wheat husk. Shaking. I thought “I can’t do this life…this day…this moment!”

I drove to the pub close by the park. Parked the car. Stumbled into the bar. Eyes red and swollen, cheeks smeared in dried up snail trails of tears..utterly utterly broken. I ordered a Bacardi and Coke (that used to be my favourite drink back in the day)

The bartender stared at me with suspicion, balefully, like he had just served a Zombie. I held his gaze equally balefully. My nervous system already on overload…just one more thing…one more thing….

He slid the drink to me. I downed it like the elixir of life it truly was. Then I stumbled back out into the bright sunshine of that filthy evil day.

Brisbane with its deceptive superficial beauty has a way of lying about the quantifiable evil that runs through its leylines and into the hearts and minds and putrid pustulant souls of its “inmates”. Brissss Bane. Bane of my entire life but NZ was no safer either. Nor was Melbourne. No place on land or sea had been a safe space for me as a child. Nowhere safe for me as an adult woman either.

I got into my car, breathed a deep heavy sigh of self determination. I need to get home. I drove home, carefully, breathing deep sighs of emotional atrophy, wheezing with asthma as I have upset myself.

I got out of my car and walk to my front door. The real estate had inspected this morning. I had specifically asked them not to lock the front screen as I did not have that key. It was locked. I could not get into my own home!

Thrown into a panic I rang the real estate. They were not at their office so I then had to drive to Marsden to pick the key up. On a day when I am so fragile and so broken, now barely breathing and I just need to lie down.

I drove there on autopilot, got the key. They also looked at me with suspicion. I must have looked quite the sight!

I get home and enter my house and immediately crawl into bed and pass out until the children came home from school.

My children had their lives hijacked too. Their mother unable to cope with life because of monsters that were the stuff of horror movies.

One of whom still occasionally haunts me. He had told a medium recently that he is “protecting“ me from potential male suitors. I told him to fuck off, you dirty cunt.

Protection?! He almost killed me several times during our connection. Then after all that abuse he married and had three more children.

The only protection he ever gifted me were those letters I had had to demand from him. Ever fighting for the truth. Scratching at my own psyche to get my life back with verifiable evidence!

All that evidence I gathered to prove that I was not insane and under constant vicious attack…neither the court system nor my lawyers bothered to use any of the evidence.

Just swept it all under the carpet, like it was nothing..like I was nothing, no one, not deserving of any safety, protection or basic human rights or ultimately my rightful inheritance. Which my only true inheritance is Life. Freedom. Joyfulness. And Peace.

A few days ago I met a man at the casino and yes, Davidson Devo scared him off like the ghoul he was/is both when alive and now he is dead.

I was amused. Real men who truly are interested in you, are not scared off by a Dybbuk. They fight for you. They stand with or by you. They love you back to Life and will love you after this life as well. They hold you precious and truly protect your heart and mind and soul.

Everything else is just gaslighting and evil bullshit. Fuckery! Well I have been fucked by demonic men enough. ENOUGH!

I wish 18 October 2000 was the last evil day I barely survived but it was not. But it went down in my personal history as one of the very worst and I have not forgotten it.

21 years and that day is still fresh in my mind. I loved so much and so foolishly that I prayed to all the gods that I never love ever again.

But love has its own Will, its own reason. Its own season. It has to blow out like a hurricane, clear out the ghastly horror and rebuild from no thing again.

Here I am…21 years later…trapped in hell, but still rebuilding…

18 October 2020

This morning I woke up, feeling triggered by various long term vile treacherous slanderous ghastly enemies from my early years in Brisbane.

But tonight, on the edge of sleepfullness, I feel triumphant, joyous and peaceful. I feel an air of anticipation. I probably just absorbed the Twitterpation by watching the wild lorikeets stalk my Charlie this afternoon.

All in all, I had a good day. Yesterday was lovely too, as I was surprised by a lovely visit from my daughter.

In fact the past few weeks have been happier in general, apart from a few icky days in between.

It’s like pulling out a splinter: the relief after the release.

I have been holding onto other people’s garbage for so long. Living in fantasies of a big true love and dreaming of a prosperous, healthy life for myself and my Beloveds ie my usual Psychedelic dreaming delusions.

But tonight I am lying in my bed, feeling the stifling heat of the night and not really caring about the fact that I have failed to achieve my most basic dreams.

I am alive, I have everything I need. I am loved. By the invisible and the indivisible. (Chortling from behind the curtain...)

I have a few dear authentic friends and the rest...don’t matter!

Laila Tov! Good night! Smile not smite! Heart not hate. Smirk but don’t be a jerk. What’s the Perk?

Perfect Peace created for one’s self, by one’s self, with harm to none.

Nothing new under the sun, you son of a gun. Look left, look right, 147th fastest gun in the West (pop!) it’s all a façade. Superficial fake loser friends and lovers lost their gilded patina.

We can only sit back and laugh. Out Loud.

The metamorphosis is reaching its final stages....the Butterfly must break out of the cocoon and dry her wings.

Arggghh so close and yet so far...but when I am ready....I will fly!

…

…

11:11 am. Angels everywhere. Take note. Be Aware. Hypocrites, liars and slanderers. We See you!

It’s a glorious day! I choose Happiness, I choose Life! I choose Redemption. I choose because I still have breath and heart in me left to choose.

Let the evil ones remain in their putrefaction.

I have Love and Light at my side.

…

Dear Elana you told me my writing was shit. But this article is full of errors eg missing words etc.

My writing might be shit. I am no professional that is true. But as my French professor once told me when I was briefly at university at the age of 17 “Noblesse Oblige” fix your text before publishing!

I agree about what you say about Trump however. At least on that we are on the same page.

Now I have had my five minutes of corrective emotional experiences and shades of schadenfreude, I will get back in my boxful of shitty writing and laugh at the shitty sketchy people who are unable to read properly and tell me I am Shit.

A comment I wrote to Elana in 2017:

14 nov 2017 10.40 am

I have witnessed so much emotional abuse here in Brisbane Australia and in NZ from Orthodoxy.

Members of the Orthodox Shule here who refused to call my Reform Rabbi by his formal title (even though he was an erudite Rabbi and better educated than they!)

In nz one Orthodox Rabbi told me at a nephew’s bat mitzvah that “he could see me and hear me but I did not exist for him” when I posed a question about halachah. This because I was a woman, and a Reform Convert.

There are hundreds of other incidents of abuse I received but I have left that community behind me now. Too bloody traumatising to write it all down.

I will write one more example. This is a Chabad Rabbi I have held in high esteem. He redeemed himself in latter years but this was one of my first encounters with him and it was humiliating.

We were at a Communal function and my Reform children then aged about 7 and 6 were sitting with a group of children around the Rabbi. I sat near by, watching my children participate.

The rabbi was quizzing them on jewish topics. When the kids got an answer right he threw them a lolly (candy).

Anyway my elder child was very smart and answered before the other children. But he threw the Lolly to the second child usually a boy. I was livid. But felt I could say nothing as I did not want to make a scene or upset the children and as most of the kids were in his congregation I felt he was favouring them for that reason.

After a several more answers flew by my little girl was flushed and her deep dimples were on display (a sign of anger/frustration). There were tears sitting on the ends of her long lashes.

I shot this Rabbi a look of disgust and loathing such as he sort of looked back at me blankly then threw my kid a lolly. Like a booby prize or an after thought.

Later I walked away with my daughters and I told them I was very proud of them and they were the smartest kids there.

My heart ached and I really hated that Rabbi that day. I never allowed them to participate in any of his quizzes again.

Many many times over the decades my daughters were emotionally abused and mainly because I was slandered and accused of being a Nazi as my mother was German.

When I finally walked away from the community (I fought for many many years to Belong because denial is a long river of beige obliteration) my elder daughter said “Why would we, as your daughters want anything to do with those people or that community after the absolutely horrible way they have treated our mother!” The Penny finally dropped like a stake in my chest. Yesss!

“for the sake of heaven” I replied, still cleaving to my precious much loved Jewish G-d. The vengeful One. The jealous one. The One who allowed men to almost kill me many times and called it Love.

Well you know what? Fuck the Patriarchy. Bring back the Schechinah or Lilith or the Divine Feminine. I am sick to my core of these raping/murdering/slandering MEN and their sychophantic henchwomen. I have seen you and heard you and Know Whom you truly are and Before Whom you truly Stand.

Love and Light! 🙂

18 October 2019

I stayed up til 3.35 am getting ready for Godot! I did dishes, cleaned my Betta Bowls, photocopied receipts ready for filing, tidied! Still heaps to do! I feel like I am in this great rush to get house in order so I am freed up for next phase.

Perhaps my new love is entering my life soon and I want a tidy ordered Life? Or I am getting settled for my new attempts to write? Or other Godot-esque surprises I haven't factored in to my New Life Purpose?

I had a powerful urge to go out last night but stayed home and pottered anyway! I am looking forward to going out this weekend. Perhaps I will run into the man I like again? Hope so!

Sylvia Shine: Do not be so intent,it won't happen overnight,but hopefully,fate,will step in,be patient,enjoy ,every day,as it comes.GOOD LUCK.Love.Sylvia. x x x

Me: See above comment from my “auntie” Sylvia.

She was on to something. I never found love. Not then...not now. I am finally reaching acceptance that the gods will never allow me a life partner/husband personage.

I fought long and hard for a zombie lover. Sad but true.

But now I am looking forward to a life that is wholly mine. No longer wasting my heart and mind on callow cruel empty men.

Today is the anniversary of Davidson’s viciousness on 18 October 2000. It was a day where everything went wrong. Him telling me he was marrying Kylie then immediately changing his mind to keep me confused.

I saw through it. But I had gone there to get letters that Buck had written to him to manipulate him and slander me. So that was proof that I was not insane and I truly was under constant attack.

That day I left David’s flat and drove to the bridge at Kangaroo point and was shaking and distressed. I took a walk to look at the river to ground myself but when I came back I had been gifted with a parking fine. I had not realised I had parked illegally. So that was the straw that broke the camels back.

I cried and cried and even screamed in my car for an hour. Then drove a few minutes away to the hotel there and with a swollen face and red eyes ordered a Jack Daniels. I downed it. Sat a while then drove home to Loganlea.

Only to discover I had been locked out by the dickhead real Estate who had Inspected in my absence and had locked the security screen. I had to drive in my heightened emotional State to Marsden to chase them down for that key.

Then crawled into bed. Suicidal and written off. I have had dozens of other bad days but that day was like a day right out of hell. Appalling.

But I survived it. As I somehow survived 22 August 2015 and recently that surgery on 25 June 2019.

I am strong. I am beautiful and I am worthy of a true and great Love when/if the gods ever allow it 😉

18 October 2018

Just saw a really big water dragon (or bearded dragon?) with a really long tail in my garden. Bobo chased it and I called him off but to no avail. But thankfully that lizard was way faster than him.

It did a full circuit of my property then walked past me again like a Boss. Well done, lizard reptilian dragon person. Well done.

Bobo appeared looking sheepish. I am glad he wasn’t serious about killing it. Just curious I guess.

…

I am not feeling great today. I feel exhausted physically but even though I went to bed this arvo I have not been able to sleep. My mind is racing. So since my body and my mind are fighting each other: I will get up and take the dog for a walk. Maybe that will help get rid of stored latent emotions and general dross.

Move my lard ass body and wear it out even more. Then maybe my hypomanic brain will be able to shut itself off. I think I have been activated by all the trauma of dealing with sewage. But this too shall pass, and I shall settle myself down again.

…

This morning I was slowly waking up and had the most profound literary lines running through my head. I lay there smiling and thinking wow, that is beautiful and brilliant. I should write this down but I knew the minute I came to full consciousness from my ephemeral creative sea that I would lose it.

Maybe next time I will try voice recording it (but even the act of rolling over and fumbling with my iPhone might have chased the streaming dreaming consciousness away. My muse (whomever that was ) was brilliant. Almost like Hemingway or perhaps TSEliot.

Anyway it serves as a reminder that I am still smothering my genius out of fear and out of the knowledge that no one will publish me...yet. I have not completely given up. Just put myself on a holding pattern for a while.

Trauma does that. Suffocates the lifeforce and any gifts we have to offer the world then lets fickle foul humans debase what is ours out of envy and spite. I have lived that a million times in this life.

Well it’s hard to thrive in survival mode and this week I was starkly reminded of my precarious existence bravely walking in my own shit due to the sewerage crisis. Nothing to be done but rise above it and wash my feet and purge my soul.

18 October 2017

Frantically doing washing while there is some sunshine and a nice strong wind is up.

Hungry as a horse. Need to make something to eat.

Blazing through my day with a turbine churning fury and anxiety in my gut (which is horrible after I woke up so blissful and serene!)

Waiting for the weather/mood/cosmic shift (which messed up my technology) to shift.

Waiting for Godot.

Waiting for Love.

Waiting to Exhale.

Waiting to get outta this Life (but can't!)

Waiting waiting waiting.

Transition phase of rebirthing. Pant, pant Blow.

Children lost to me. Lifeforce thrashing inside me like a fierce WildCat. (Yup, upset myself so got a dose of IBS).

No money no time no future. One day at a time. Mindfully remaining in my eternal present (to stay grounded and not lose my shit completely).

Happy. (Say what?!). Happily aware that I have survived so many weird epic things and today is just another battle. (Gave myself a blood blister on my hand while pruning as the pruning shears snapped shut on the fleshy pad under my fingers.)

Wasn't joking about needing to lay low today!

…

The universe is pissing on my parade and I am trying very hard to rise above it as I am devastated. Grrr. I guess this will be a day better served by staying in bed. I have to tamp down a boiling rage that is not good for my heart and soul.

And here I felt so euphoric and hopeful and optimistic this morning upon awakening. Probably my angels trying to soften the blow of my usual outrageous misfortune. Take your fucking slings and arrows and fuck off ye cunts!

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I am ropable. One of the cats has peed on my computer desk in the lounge, on top of my laptop that was awaiting the funds to repair the screen, on an artwork of Crystal's and it dripped down onto a beautiful decoupaged suitcase I have been making for Crystal for her Clown.

Every time I get close to achieving success in any endeavour some motherfucker destroys it before it comes to completion.

My blood is boiling. I really hate all these cats right now. Evil little bastards.

I have been striving to keep the lounge door closed for months now but I forgot last night.

Fuck it all!

They have clean cat litter too, so this is just some sort of devilry on their part.

Me: I think it was Socks and even more infuriating I let him outside during the night and he killed a wood pigeon this morning. Not. My. Cat!

Sally Castle: I’m sorry 😢

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Something wonderful is unfolding inside me. A healing, an awakening, perhaps a blessing? A gift of sorts. No idea what it is yet but I sense it is life-enhancing and beautiful and oh I pray so very good to/for me.

I feel grateful and loved and blessed for this yet unseen/unknowable arrival in my life.

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This status was from this morning before a certain feline fucked my vibe!!!! Fb didn't post it. It's gonna be one of those timeline convergence fucked up glitchy sorta days.

Julie Butler: lol I was gonna ask if this was before the cat screwed you over lol

18 October 2016

Today has been one of those bottomless pit days. But it was a beautiful Sunny day so I lay in my hammock and wrenched myself through my depression like a pro.

The sun is now setting and I feel comfortable again. Sad but cosy on my couch watching the world die just for a brief moment when the sun slips under the horizon. New hope/love/happiness always a whispered intention away.

Shhhhhhh. It is here.

18 October 2015

Still waiting for money I erroneously deposited in a closed account to be returned to me by my bank (or their bank). 2 more business days to wait until I can raise Hell!

This year I have been fraught with communication problems with Optus and iPhone issues and now twice this year banking issues. Sick of the constant struggle for every little thing. My guts aches just thinking about it (nu, so don't think!)

I was able to afford cat biscuits to last until my money comes back. (my friend said can pay her in November!)

So pancakes or sweet potatoes for dinner tonight. Thank G-d I have eggs from my gorgeous girls.

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2.56 pm up and at 'em! Lots going on in my heart and head together fused from birth in Simeotic Line. Problematic at times to separate my tumultuous emotions from facts.

My heart has gathered its own intelligence. It is courageous, steadfast, but sensitive. The wind calls my name! Beautiful day!

Sometimes I have to ignore my heart and instead focus on the rhythmic constant thrumming beat that says "Go on, we got this! You are gonna be ok. You were always meant to be ok, if not seriously dangerously spectacularly awesome.

Don't shut down, off or out anymore. Rise and Shine. Your time has come. Your time is now." But then the ticking clock of denial says "Too late" and I faint into unconsciousness.

Trust. I need to regain Trust! In myself. In the Universe. In Life. It will all make sense in another dimension far away from here but they won't let me in just yet. So, what imperative discoveries am I yet to acquire in my getting of wisdom as my body slowly, painfully rots around me? I pray only good stuff.

I am resetting my ticking time-bomb and recalibrating bliss bombs. I am whom I am Becoming. A Light Being of Love, Joy and Peace, a psychedelic dreamer warrior Viking queen, ready to lay down my sword if I can finally know I am Safe.

I doubt that day of reckoning will ever come. My sword is my intellect, my power and guardian angel. I am the composite of so much trauma and so much fight and so much spirituality, in a pissing belching physical vessel that is so beautiful in spite of its limitations. :-)

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2.48 am I have been praying, wishing, hoping, dreaming of a True Love who will love me no matter what, put me first, not play cruel mind games, or make me compete with other women. You know, love me and actually rejoice to be in my company, and want a relationship instead of the flyby nighters head cases I have dealt with for 20 years.

Tonight I realised with no small amount of grief that it is not going to happen. The man I loved with all my heart and mind does not want me. The men who claim to want me were just playing their own game, for which they will inevitably lose. I am too smart for their bullshit!

So instead I shep naches with people who appreciate me, and my few loyal beautiful soulful friends, online and in real-time who never let me go a day or a week without showing they care and are genuine.

Thank you Jamie (Elfybaby) for the beautiful happy video on Skype. You mean the world to me. We are twin souls who were put through hell as children but look at us go! Can you imagine how amazingly awesome it is to see us all rise and shine and love and support each other?

My mother, father, sister, paedophile godfather, both stepfathers and a cast of dozens broke my heart and tried to kill me, over and over again. Strangers inherited my rightful inheritance. Worm tongued and fucked their way into my mother's deteriorating mind.

Hell, even turned my beloved Rabbi against me. I lost 4 houses, financial security, and worse, any chance at a real lasting joyous relationship. Nobody wants crazy damaged goods. I live in spite of them all.

A testament to my stubborn clumsy clutch to Life. L'Chaim. What doesn't kill you... Does not necessarily mean you thrive although G-d Knows I Tried.

I am grateful for so many small things but the greatest gift I ever received was Love. Love from people who meant it. Who stood by me in my darkest times and never let me go.

You know who you are. My true Family. You showed a broken hearted child, and much later a woman that goodness, mercy and loving kindness can change the world.

You held me up above my drowning quagmire or maelstrom and you even breathed life back into me. My true freedom came only 3 years ago. I am still a fledgling, stumbling on a tight wire, trying out my wings. Life is often a purring but sadistic teasing Cat. I dance amidst its toothy grin and drool and try to avoid its lacerating Bite.

Today has been a lovely day. I am utterly exhausted but content. There is a multitude of tomorrow's but in this moment. Only gratitude and bliss.

18 October 2014

Rocktoberfest is Rocking. I got to hear the last 2 bands. Excellent! Now waiting for Wasabi to get cranked!

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Cheap and horrifically nasty Tequila by former housemate threw in the bin. Now one Jack Daniels that went down smooth as hell after that other crap! Can we say....Merry!!!!

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Yesterday while trying my hand at fencing, my plastic magnifying glasses broke. Both arms fell off. I had a chuckle to myself as I had just been down to my optometrist to make an appointment to apply for replacement hospital ones for the glasses they gave me a month ago which broke after one week and then I lost at a gig I went to at Leftys.

Lucy gave me a pair of Guess frames but the receptionist said I would not be able to get them fitted with lenses by the hospital and would have to accept more (crappy imo!) hospital-provided frames. Fuck, the plastic shit lasts longer than theirs!

Anyhow, a friend at the pub showed me his winnings last night. I commented that I was flat broke and if I gambled I would only ever lose. Without batting an eyelid he handed me $50, and told me to buy a drink and enjoy myself!

I was so thrilled and bought one drink but saved the rest of the money.

I have just been down the chemist and bought another $15 pair of magnifiers as I will have to wait 6 weeks for the hospital replacements or put a pair of lenses on layby for the Guess ones.

I have $25 left. Enough to put some petrol in my car ($10) and go out again for Rocktoberfest and afford one drink. Woot!

I will show my mate the new glasses he bought for me. I am so grateful as now I can read again and Type. Woot!

I am so fortunate to have beautiful friends who care about me and are so generous to me!

18 October 2012

I stayed up til 3.35 am getting ready for Godot! I did dishes, cleaned my Betta Bowls, photocopied receipts ready for filing, tidied! Still heaps to do! I feel like I am in this great rush to get house in order so I am freed up for next phase. Perhaps my new love is entering my life soon and I want a tidy ordered Life? Or I am getting settled for my new attempts to write? Or other Godot-esque surprises I haven't factored in to my New Life Purpose?

I had a powerful urge to go out last night but stayed home and pottered anyway! I am looking forward to going out this weekend. Perhaps I will run into the man I like again? Hope so!

18 October 2009

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons