Memories: 16 October 2023

16 October 2023

16 October 2022

I have an intense anxiety today. So intense that I feel like I am being boiled on hot coals. Also exhausted. A strange dichotomy in my body.

But I am cooking roasted chicken drumsticks and getting through this day, one moment at a time. It’s not easy but I have surfed this hypomania for a long time now.

I also feel an intense loneliness. So intense that it almost feels engulfing. It can’t be real. So I am quashing it. It’s starting to feel like a full-blown psychic attack. Or something awful is about to happen. I must be ready!

16 October 2021

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My lungs are squeezing after wearing a mask for 4 hours last night while dancing. It’s evil bullshit what we are being forced to do in order to proclaim our freedom and have The Dance. I hope I don’t get a chest infection.

I had a nice time but I probably won’t go back until they stop with the evil mask restrictions on the dance floor. It’s not worth the risk to my lungs.

It’s wholly unnecessary as everyone was social distancing anyway.

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Posting this a day late as I was in fb jail yesterday: This morning as I was waking up I was shown images of Dr Eva Popper who died a few years ago. No idea why she was appearing to me. There was no message but it was distinctly her face. I spent several minutes looking at her wondering what she wanted to convey to me.

Then I was briefly shown a flash of the face of David Bowie. I smiled wryly. I said to myself “I would have loved to meet you” he replied wryly, “well I am here now!” I was quite bemused.

Eva Popper and David Bowie visiting me, as I drag my consciousness back from the Astral.

Eva had not liked me much except she did bring a CD of gypsy music back from her visit to Hungary for me. That was very sweet. I had commented to her that I could never afford to travel or hear real gypsy music in Europe.

Maybe she took pity on me after the decades of emotional abuse I experienced in Temple Shalom, later BPJC, now currently called Beit Or. House of Light. Give me a break! Dybbuk keepers, are they! I hope my mother is behaving herself in their unholy walls! Lmao

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3:08 am. Home safe from a lovely night of dancing to one of my favourite bands, Alter Egos.

I caught up with Sigal who was happy to see me after so long.

I met a man from Alice Springs, named Carl. Actually he approached me rather awkwardly towards the end of night, offering me a drink as he stated I had not drunk all night. I had actually had three drinks so I politely declined his offer as I knew I had to drive.

He looked so shattered with disappointment that I smiled and said he could buy me a lemonade instead. He ran to the bar immediately and was delighted to have an excuse to chat with me.

I introduced him to Sigal as my friend. He astutely commented that there are no real friends in bars or casinos. Hmmm…a philosopher and a wise man.

I replied that she has always been good to me and we have danced together for 11 years. So definitely a casino friend!

He observed that she was in her own world (again rather astute!) I replied I don’t judge and I too live in my own mystical world.

Anyway somehow I scared him off. (Actually no, not somehow, I did it quite deliberately). He excused himself to go to the toilet and never came back lol!

Sigal suggested he might be worth knowing. Did I like him?

I replied that I don’t like him as I don’t know him and in fact, I like very few men after what I have been put through in life.

I said “I come out to dance, have fun, enjoy the music and I am not letting my heart out to play ever again. Done and dusted. Thank you menopause for turning me into a frigid angry psychotic bitch!” We both had to laugh.

Anyway Carl was Half Sicilian and half Aboriginal. But living in Alice Springs is no good to me. I need a man who is here. (Well actually need is the wrong word…I don’t need any man!). But long distant bogus relationships don’t fly with me.

So the ancestors did me a favour scaring him away like that. I can’t deal with men who are scared of my power.

C’est la vie! It was sweet that he showed interest and bought me the lemonade though. (A gentleman and a generous soul!)

Sigal showed me her oil paintings. She is a very good artist. I showed her my jewellery making efforts.

I was happy that we have both been busy in recent months, expressing our creativity. I said we might eventually be successful artists. She said we could go to the markets together.

I said I don't do 4 am markets but am building up enough stock that eventually I may have to go to the markets. It might be fun to go with her one day. Something to think about.

So all in all it was an interesting evening.

Good morning Y’all! Time The Tanya/The Psychedelic Dreamer went to sleep.

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16 October 2020

I feel very tired today. Probably due to the asthma. But I have managed to change my bedlinen, and water some of the garden (moving the hose around). I have washed the bedlinen and brought half of it in.

I am gonna take things easy today as I feel a bit lightheaded again.

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On Tuesday when Crystal and I went to the Maiala forest at Mt Glorious, we were blessed with the most astonishing and magical Surprise.

Just on dusk Crystal thought she saw a tiny light flickering on and off in some leaf litter. She thought she was imagining it at first.

So we both stood still, kept quiet and waited. Sure enough the little light flicked back on and off again.

Delighted, we had come upon a tiny firefly. So we continued on our trek back to the car. As the sky grew darker more fireflies came out to play. We were so amazed that we both sat down on the ground and I tried to film them but my battery was low so it would not pick them up properly. Crystal got some very good shots on her phone camera.

Anyway we were sitting quietly observing the magic of nature. Crystal began to sing “Dream a little dream of me” so I joined in. More fireflies came out of curiousity at the singing of two women. They flew around Crystal’s head.

I said “Come on Little Ones come to Mama T” and held my hands out in the darkness. They flew around us both. I told Crystal that humans have bioluminescence too, only probably not often visible to our human spectrum but the fireflies could see us clearly.

We sat and sang to them for about 20 minutes. It was a fabulous bonding moment with my daughter. Something we will both remember for the rest of our lives.

We got up and kept walking and the fireflies flew ahead of us and led us gently out of the forest. I felt like a “Babe in the Woods” being guided by the tiny lights to an entire new beginning!

I did not post about the fireflies the other day as we wanted to take Jarrod there and surprise him!

He went with Crystal on Wednesday evening. He said there weren’t as many as we saw on Tuesday but it was still Glorious at Mt Glorious! Crystal took him on a much longer hike for 5 hours!

Anyway if you get a chance, Brisbanians...take your kids and show them something really special!

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16 October 2019

Not well today. A bit triggered. But I have bathed The Beau who growled and snarled through the whole process. I did not sleep well last night. Which was annoying as I was mentally exhausted but as soon as my head hit the pillow my brain decided to ruminate, conglomerate and pugitate. 4 hours later I finally passed out into somnolence then woke up after only 5 hours.

I think I need to dance more at home to wear myself out. Or something. Probably menopause is slowly killing me but this too shall pass. Rebirthing The Tanya is a long slow arduous labour of intense love and catastrophic sabotage and other distractions.

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16 October 2018

Omg. I have never seen so much shit spray everywhere as when he released the valve (lid on pipe that was blocked.). This is absolutely horrible. 15 years of this. (Alright I had a few years when it was fixed but now it’s back with a vengeance!)

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House of horrors: running effluent and blocked drain again. Ghastly!

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Yeah it was tree roots. Packed so solid they could not get the camera down. Council came and cleared the line. Phew!

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Rough night. Lots of broken sleep and bouts of insomnia. Grrr. Then got woken up by the BCC lawn mowers. All good. It is 10:44 am now. Time to rise and shine.

I had a lovely afternoon and evening with Jarrod. We watched “The Haunting Of Hill House”. Very well written tv series. It had us in thrall. (Being seasoned aficionados of horror shows that is pretty hard to undertake).

Usually I find them disappointing or even boring or just plain schlocky. We watched all but the last episode at it was 1 am by then and we got tired so Jarrod had the long drive home.

I thought when I went to bed I would pass out with exhaustion but instead my mind was over-stimulated. Never mind, probably the after effects from the weekend of dancing also. Hypomania is not for sissies. Lmao!

Anyway, here I am. A new day! Mango and yoghurt for breakfast. Yum!

16 October 2017

It's Spiritual. All of it!

16 October 2016

2.26 pm Back in da room! Had a good sleep. Time to greet the sun.

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Awake after only 5 hours sleep again. Can't feel my feet. Asthma bad. But life is wonderful. I had a blast last night. The Supermoon brought me joy and love and generosity from my casino friends. Wow. We all went completely Off. But it was joyous and mad!

I have been outside to let the hens out. Glorious sunny day. A kiss from the gods. Now back in bed to rest (perhaps get more sleep?). Cuddling with my dog.

I woke up with Mushu on my right, Bobo on my left and Penny at my feet. It was like a triad of protective love. It was hard to get out of bed to go pee without disturbing all 3 of them. But I squeezed out and came back to bed to find Bobo still on there. So I had to physically carry him outside so he could pee (then sniff the air) too.

Happy boy. Almost his first birthday in a few days time.

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4.55 am. Home. Just had an Epsom Salt bath but won't be feeling my feet for a few days now. I finally got with the programme and brought some ballet slippers to change into. It helped a fair bit but the dancing continued and my body is quite hammered now.

But by the gods, did we have a wild night! Again, so much love in the room. Good times.

Thanks to Karen for buying me dinner at KFC, bought me a drink at the casino. I looked around and suddenly I had 3 drinks. Joe and Kirstie's partner each bought me a Jack Daniels. Hoohaa. Very lovely.

Later Joe and I did our charismatic dance of wildness. So much fun. Terrie and Karen and I danced together with Toni and Chris. Awesome!

I think I need to lie down now. The sun is up but former zombies must rest.

16 October 2015

11.43pm just woke up. Too tired to go anywhere. Sleep the sleep of the righteous. Dancing will have to wait.

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I don't have anything to declare, except my genius (Oscar Wilde). Like other wild things, all I have is myself. I am not a postscript, an after thought, a residual stain on the gutter of the roadworks of life! I am more than my flesh, and brain. I am that I am Becoming.

Yeah, I know! It scares the shit out of me too. Watching my body betray me and my mind quickening. My soul wants what it wants but forgets it is limited by a 50 year old PTSD survivor's dross humanity.

So dance we must. Get into the Zone to transform, transmute and cast off the negative draining energies. Life is for staring down, through good and bad.

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I just ate the chicken pie I bought yesterday. omg! So delicious! I have taken 2 headache tablets, eaten pie so perhaps in 2 hours I will be ready to fly. (Unless the football is on at the casino! That shit gives me the Heebie Jeebies!)

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My frog buddy is back. He seems to like being in the pond in the evenings. Best place to be after a hot day!

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Shabbat Shalom! I have slept a lot today. I have a headache now. But dance, I must! Just chilling in bed with Miss Penny and summoning up more mojo.

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I wish I could buy another pair of my studded Aliza Docs. They lasted 2 and a half years and I wore them almost every weekend, dancing and kicking arse! What fun! Now they are orchid holders and hang in my tree. I couldn't bear to throw them out.

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My optometrist says my eyes are fine, apart from dryness. So now I have to see my Doctor to find out what the blurred vision I had for 2 days was caused by. I couldn't read, even with my glasses. Oh and I now have to use my glasses to drive! Dammit!

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2 hours spent restoring and updating my iPhone (again!). The technician was marvellous. Finally after restoring and updating he says it is a Facebook bug which will be updated soon so to look for new IOS updates and do that.

Grrr! So I can't write long status updates anymore unless I use Facebook via Safari. Whatever! Blah blah blah. I now have a headache and need another rest from all this technological maladaptive contrivances...and shit!

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I woke up at 5.30 am. After literally passing out while watching Falling Skies on Netflix at 8.30pm. I never go to sleep that early! It must have been the stress of chasing down a dentist yesterday, plus getting rather sick.

I think I will rest today so I can summon up my mojo to dance tonight. Or perhaps tomorrow night. It is a bit perturbing that I am sleeping less hours but after several months in homeostasis I guess my body has had enough. I am happy even if still chronically exhausted. The journey to healing continues relentlessly.

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1.36 pm. Wow. Just woke up again. After a night of bad reflux and tummy troubles I needed my rest. Now to greet the day and the marvellous night. Woot!

16 October 2014

I was very triggered today, by a meme about sisters. My own sister traumatised me then declared me dead. Screw the evil bitch!

So I went out to release my rage on the garden. I dug up some baby onions. Now I will have to dry them out I think. They would be Shallots. I expected full grown onions but beggars can't be choosers. I planted the onions that have been sprouting in my kitchen bench for weeks.

Then I cleaned out the worm farm bottom and rinsed it through. Then I took some rocks off Zulu's grave and put them back on my small rock wall border near the front steps (bloody chickens kick all the soil out so I am trying to blockade them).

They dug up my newly planted sage that was doing well, grrr! So I have to buy some more and put mesh down so my girls can't do it again. I put fresh straw in the Silky's coop. Cleaned out the old straw and poop.

I went round the garden and threw out old rotten plastic bins and rusting metal bits and pieces. The garden looks much tidier, especially as it got mowed yesterday.

I filled up the shallow (useless!) pond as it will be ideal to grow out the fry in. Then I put them in it. Then I thought, oh crap...toads will get in it and eat them all or worse, ugh, breed in it. So I dragged some wire mesh out from under the house, cut some off and covered the fry pond.

I also pulled out the broken pond pump and cleaned the filter sponge. I threw out the pump but kept the sponge as it was still good for when I can afford a new pump.

Then I locked up the chooks as it was getting dark and gave my little silkies their evening cuddle (must tame that little Rooster, Mischief and his timid neurotic mother Frieda!)

Now I have a sore neck and am exhausted. It was nice to be outside though, in the sunshine and busy.

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1.38 am. I have been outside, filling up the fishpond, cleaning out the filter and it took me forever to get the waterfall working again. I finally found the separate switch in the pump. I also watered the blueberry and put some wormwee on the plants in that corner.

I had a lovely time with Crystal. She bought us Indian food for dinner then we cuddled the rabbits, watched Ghost Adventures and sipped Chrysanthemum tea. The flower opens up from a ball when you pour the water on it. Very pretty. Bit weird but effective! The tea was pleasant to taste too.

I was upset when I arrived home as my fighter fish had died. Jarrod had a new one on order. Now he is going to be a loner. I will have to get 2 more fish so the bowls are all alive again!

Tomorrow I will set up the small pond for the new baby goldfish to grow up in. They are tiny at the moment.

16 October 2013

Home again home again Hurdy Gurdy Loopy woohoo!

16 October 2011

I came home from my big day out with BPJC to discover my new Hot Chocolate standard Rose was in bloom. It is a really dark Orange and I am delighted with it.

My Brindebella tea rose next to it has a large bud so that promises to open in the next few days and at long long last my weeping Pierre De Ronsard is budding and looks ready to burst open soon too. Wow!

I do need to get some Sudden Impact to give them a boost though! Payday Tuesday so I will try to stretch my budget then!

So lots of Shehecheyanus this weekend! Especially with the first time I shook the Lulav and Etrog this year, in fact I think it's been several years since I sat and enjoyed a Sukkah!

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I enjoyed the lovely Sukkah! Thanks Sally for bringing me along for today's celebration of Sukkot! I enjoyed meeting the lovely mare as well! Pity I didn't have sugar lumps or carrots for the lady dear!

I'm glad the AGM went well and look forward to seeing you all next time I rock up to shul!

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Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons