Memories: 17 October 2023

17 October 2023

12:12 pm I am very tired today. I only got up at 10:30 am. I thought we were going to get a storm last night but it must have blown past us. No rain. No fucking rain. So my mood is heavy and I feel quite drained.

I was very busy yesterday, making a YouTube video, uploading it. Typing up some trance drumming notes for my records. Interested to see a few insights or little premonitions have come true. Nothing major but proof that my connection to spirit is improving. I hate it when I feel like I am being lied to, or led by the nose. Lol.

Then later in the evening I made a ring. (Well I melted some computer components and used the small ball of gold and soldered it to a split ring in sterling silver I had made weeks ago. It turned out lovely.

So I guess it’s not surprising that I am exhausted today. I literally could not settle down yesterday. I was in a heightened state.

So today I will rest and take things easy. Maybe….:-)

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I spent the afternoon, cutting apart more tiny flecks of gold on the circuit components. I got enough to melt down another small ball of gold. I will use it as an embellishment.

I also baked handmade bread in my bread machine. I have felt tired all day but I am happy with my small achievements.

17 October 2022

Today I visited Belinda. She showed me how she makes candles. She gave me six candles to try to sell at my market stall. We sat and chatted for a while. She is heading to India next week.

Bobo was so excited to visit her and little Ivy that he screamed with joy just around the corner from her place. We have only been there twice before, so I was surprised that he knew we were close to her house.

17 October 2020

10.03 am just woke up after spending most of the night fighting to get to sleep even though I was exhausted. I managed to pass out around 4 am. So that means...I will possibly launch into hypomania. Grrr. But 6 hours solid snoozing should be enough to cushion my poor beleaguered brain.

I need to dance more. Lack of exercise is making my hobbit body fight itself. Hmmm.

The problem is when you are tired you have no energy to do much, so then you enter strange mental states where your spirit is willing but the flesh is weak so your mind races and keeps you from sleep. Nuts! Menopause and other triggers are just plain nutty and irritating.

I had to increase the Seretide as my lungs are recalcitrant (again!) so maybe that extra bit of steroid tipped me over the edge too. Yuck.

Oh well....today is gonna be a Day. Neither good nor bad. Blahful...which is infinitely better than my former default state. I can handle life in the slow lane, less trauma and less incongruent incoherent cohorts: yayyy.

The Life of The Tanya is Good now. I am content.

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Another two years later, They are still painting the outside. It’s been endless.

17 October 2019

5:32pm storm already passed us by. Little rain. Wow!

It’s been a painful day, speaking my truth on NZ royal commission into care website.

But there is no coming to consciousness without pain or confronting our past without mitigation, minimisation or invalidation. It has been somewhat of a theme for me this week.

I was just thinking how my mother and stepfather survived WW2 and the Holocaust, how I personally barely survived them and their predators and how now, in this late stage of my life I must now try to survive climate change and extinction along with everyone else Alive today. Utterly terrifying thought.

I need a hug and comfort and chocolate. I would run amok in the residual storm to buy some but I covered my car with the hail cover and I can’t be bothered to pull it off to go driving with my usual Complex trauma urges to drive around in wild weather. I am hoping the storm might swing back around to my place and gift us more rain. So schmeh... sitting high and dry.

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Batten down your hatches Me Hearties, here She blows. She’s gonna be intense as I have been feeling the low pressure for days now.

Please God we get good rain out of all this hullabaloo!

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17 October 2018

Council is here now. (Arrived very quick!) Drain is solid blocked down my neighbour’s yard. They will have to clear it and will probably keep coming back 4 or 5 times before they spend money replacing drains on their end.

Fuck. Could go on for 12 months or more. (Back to the 9 years of chronic sewerage problems I had before!) But at least if they clear it, it will be temporarily fixed for about 12 months.

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Plumber’s coming back to put a camera down drain so hopefully they will fix it properly. Phew! It was horrific!

17 October 2017

17 October 2016

Fucking useless 7th generation offspring of convicts. 10 per cent chance of rain. Yeah right! Arseholes pissing on our parade. We got saturated on our walk. Hahaha.

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I have had a shower and washed my hair and absorbed the joyous lightness of being that is water. Omg. So wonderful. So grateful. (Until the gas bill comes in, then my head explodes) but water is Life!

So is oxygen. Love it a lot. We should harness the seas for free energy. Plenty of it. If we clean up our plastic pollution first.

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She has a stumpy beak. Arrived that way after being rescued from a barn. She and her 3 sisters were raised on steel mesh on a dirt floor. Never felt grass until she was rescued.

Such a sweet girl. I can't wait to get proper fencing, so I can give them a safe run from Bobo. He has stopped killing them but he does traumatise them by chasing and mouthing them. He cannot be trusted unattended.

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Rescued Athena from Bobo. She is enjoying her snuggles in the hammock. He has jumped in with us but he knows better than to try to mouth her while she is on my lap.

She is a very affectionate hen. She is still quilling so feeling very emotional and vulnerable. Those feathers hurt when they pierce the soft chicken skin.

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Today is a sore thumb day. Almost chopped it off while attempting to slice a hard bit of cheese for my melted cheese toast. FML. It is all right. Bleeding staunched with wrapped paper towel. But ouchies.

I need some neuroplasticity of my own. Like being more careful wielding sharp objects near my digits.

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I spoke to my girl last night. She hinted vaguely that she might come home. I said "Good. Then You can take your stuff from out of my house as I am drowning in all the clutter." She got a tad offended. I said "When are you coming back to Australia anyway?”

She obliquely said she couldn't tell me as I would get all excited then if it didn't happen, go berserk. Yeah. Right. She knows her mother well. But she stated she has been offered a role on the board of a theatre company here in Brisbane. So that is great news.

I guess I will have to wait. She is busy performing in The Tempest. It goes on in 2 weeks. So perhaps if she gets more work in England she will stay. Who knows?! My daughter is always a bit fae.

In the meantime Mummy has gotten on with life without her adult children around. It has been difficult but I am finally embracing it. Freedom! Yeah baby. (Now one comes back lmao).

I am the happiest I have been in decades. I still struggle with a severe mood disorder from Complex PTSD but I have fully engaged with my life in recent months. Off my meds. Writing long love tomes to my beloved (like a sappy bitch) but even that has helped me heal from my loss.

My acid reflux is slowly improving. It occurred to me that I am sleeping deeper with less nightmares and constant wakefulness from belching.

My chest is still a problem though. The obstructive sleep apnoea keeps me in a perpetual state of exhaustion but at least I am not belching like a bellicose wharfie all night long. The medication I take for the acid reflux might finally, after about 6 months, (I only remember to take one per day) be working. Good!

If I can resolve the worst of my health issues I might you know, get healthy enough to get a life. I have done well to have survived long enough to experience the awesome happiness of being in love with my own life, with a man, with my friends and my animals.

Did I mention Beauregard adores me these days. He is much happier since I stopped taking him to the dog park. Antisocial little beast but he loves having his mama all to himself!

He smooches me constantly. I woke up. Told him. "Today is Monday, Bobo. What happens on Monday? Harvey and Jarrod come over". He wagged his tail with happiness. He loves Harvey. Harvey, not so keen on The Beau. But Bobo loves his few doggy friends. Abhors the rest.

17 October 2017

Home safe from a lovely afternoon swim at Surfers. I just had a shower to shed a few kilos of excess sand I brought home with me. I was surprised and delighted to find a tiny pipi shell fragment glued to my voluptuous Venusian belly. It got inside my togs with the sand.

Well, the waves were intense but at least I got some nice body-surfing in. Karen had to tighten my togs at the shoulders as whoops, incoming waves brought boobiage exposure. I was floundering in the shallows, quickly pulling up my top. Very funny, Universe! Anyway, I am reborn!

Now a bit of a rest then off to the Treasury for some dancing.

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3.55 pm. Karen and I have just had a lovely pounding in the surf at Surfers Paradise. It took us 1 and a half hours to get here. Bloody traffic! Now off to get food.

I feel rejuvenated from the sea. So wonderfully alive and fresh.

17 October 2015

8.34 am. Awake at last. I slept most of yesterday and last night. Exhausted out of my mind. Lots of old trauma dreams. This morning's ones about my mother. I feel triggered and shaken but stirred or like a bouncing ball about to explode.

I feel downloaded by spirit. So much going on in my brain while I sleep. I am just going to go with the flow. Hopefully go dancing tonight. Need to shake off the excess emotion and shake down some hard-wiring. My ascension is in flux.

All good! My life is beautiful. Not many people have the luxuries of a beautiful garden, pets, loyal loving friends and a beautiful bed to rest in any time they want or need to. Grateful happy woman I am!

Terina Edwards: You forgot beautiful. Time to fill your life with light love and abundance. Then there's always dancing

Me: Hugs Terina!

Terina: Big hugs right back. You have such a beautiful light and spirit

Me: Aww thanks! I feel like my light bulb has exploded so now I am just pure energy emanating into nothing. Glad to see you still see me glowing in the darkness! We got this!

Terina: You bet I think your about ready to let the darkness go and realise we don't have to be a vessel that carried around other people's emotional baggage. We can let it go and embrace light love and abundance. And dancing lol

Me: Dancing will keep happening. Until my feet and legs betray me. It is almost like prayer or meditation now. I love when I get into my Zone. Unless someone grounds me (Tischsia, the mischievous one! Lol) by grabbing my shoulders from behind mid-mosh!

I love her but she got the Zombie apocalypse Tanya-Death stare for that. It takes ages to get into my Zone with the fluff-ball cruise ship entertainment.

Which is why I love Abby Skye's Mission X so much. Hard Rock gets me there every time. Wildness. Frees the spirits and frees the mind/soul connections. Wild things gotta "Fly" before their mind fries, babies.

Having watched my evil mother lose her brilliant but cruel mind to Alzheimer's, I don't have time to waste being old and dottery before my time. I love my second adolescence. Mainly because I was cheated out of my first one.

Anyhow, the lovely Karen just phoned me and we are going for a swim to the coast. I prefer Byron Bay but too tired to drive that far! She doesn't drive so we can't share the driving. But the ocean at surfers will bring me back into instant harmonious balance.

This old Salt-farer needs the sea. So, happy dance. Then hopefully tonight I can stomp out my pains and gains on the dance floor. Life is good 🙂.

Terina: Just know that ill be there rocking you in your wheelchair xxx… Dancing is as much about dancing on the inside as what people see happening in the outside

Me: Haha. Sometimes when I get tired on my feet, I still keep dancing in my chair. If I make it to older age, I am gonna be a very dangerous old woman!

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Constantly craving Byron Bay. Time for another visit to the beach!

17 October 2014

Frieda got outside the fenceline. For once I am a happy Hoarder! Now using the old fencing materials I bought for a chook pen years ago. Having to pull apart the mesh I attached to it. Knackered but happy to fix the rotten fence that Housing Commission refuse to replace.

I can't risk my liitle girl Silky being on the council strip and getting munched on by some dog.

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3.36 am. In bed with Penny who "kneads" me.

Laila Tov! It's nice to be loved, if only by a cat.

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2.27 am. Home from dancing. I didn't dance as much as I usually do. Too tired and stressed. My feet ached.

I spent my last $5 on a lemonade. Adam gave me the last glass of his beer. That was sweet.

I just gave Adam a lift home, on my way.

It is lovely how we all look out for each other.

Adam noticed I was not in the best of moods. Very perceptive young man lol.

I am glad I went out but I suddenly felt hemmed in and 'invaded' by some young punk. So I had to sit and rest a while.

A guy finished off the set by playing the Didgeridoo with Jabba. It was beautiful to hear.

I enjoyed dancing with Ron (who hams up with me!), Alma and Adam.

It was a good night out even if my mood did slump.

17 October 2013

What an ordeal! I am at QE2 hospital dentist. It took 2 dentists to remove the molar and it turns out I am unique and an exception ( genetics) thanks to my thalidomide taking (one-off thank god) mother and father. I had 3 roots instead of the usual 2.

It took an hour to get the tooth out. Going home to sulk and pamper myself after I have been to Aldi to buy cat food. Lol.

17 October 2011

I am still on a massive high and coming to terms with my amazing weekend which heralded quite a few amazing Firsts. My only hope is that this new focus and newfound joy will continue to blossom into seconds, thirds, fourths to Infinity and beyond! Yippy Yi Yooooo!

17 October 2010

I finally had my haircut. The dog and I both look well-groomed now. Naturally the dog is still prettier than me but she has youth on her side and well that cute enigmatic smile and those big brown eyes that suck your soul and turn you into sugary mush.

Actually I prefer my dog to most people right now. For very good reason. I guess I remember when I was cuter than my dog or anyone I know...see profile picture.

Mwahhhahahah those were the days when I was filled with Light Love and sweet sweet ignorance. Knowledge made me ugly and bitter. Don't eat the fruit of the Tree of Good and Evil. OOOps too late.

Maybe I should aspire to be like Benjamin Button and with knowledge and experience channel my tzores into eternal youth and beauty. Ooooops Too LATE. back to the fricken drawing board I guess.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons