Memories: 12 October 2023

12 October 2023

12 October 2021

3:55 am. I woke up, needing to pee. Slammed with the realisation that in a millisecond I might lose everything, have to walk out in the pouring nocturnal rain and leave the safety of my warm bed and my loneliness I clutch to like a rubbery floatation device, breathe new life into a lifeless, holding-its-breath-planet on the edge of nuclear annihilation.

I have only snatched a few hours sleep after working for days on nonsensical useless projects as a distraction from the root cause of my denial and an obfuscation of reality.

How good would it have been to be in a loving partnership in these “end state” times?!!!! …..!!!!!

I can only rejoice in recent rare and precious moments with my daughter (holding hands and screaming in delight at shooting stars and flying over satellites!) While lying on the warm grass being coddled by our ancient wise Mother. The interconnected bonding with Earth and simultaneously the Cosmos and all of life and each other.

A nourishing memory I will carry in my heart and mind in even more scarier times. But I pray that the times are lifted up by Unseen protective blessèd hands and the worst case scenario is averted…by the actions of the most primordial common denominator and the alpha and omega. Love!

Back to sleep while I can. To dream while I can.

I need only enter another dimension by the gateway of the dreaming until the time comes when I walk into Eternity and Greet the gods anew.

How many times have I done this in this incarnation? Too many. Each time I was pinned to earth and told I am here for a reason.

What insane reason? Making beads out of wood and cutting up shells and frantically knitting for a holiday of the spirits (she who observes no holy days anymore!)

Expending every ounce of physical and psychic and yes, even my well-contained sexual energy on ridiculous childlike artistic expressions because I am so helpless in the face of the current paradigm.

I am grateful for the kindness and the love I am receiving daily. For the shifting timelines. For the prayers. For the cosmic consciousness and for the conscious streaming of my heart and dreaming.

For love, passion, Hope and inter-and-inner connectivity and for my soul.

For god and goddess and Gaia.

I want to be wrapped in strong warm arms and held tenderly and feel protected like a woman dearly loved. But that intimacy always eluded me.

So I will lie here with my grumbling bladder nerve endings that are signalling like an out of tune xylophone and will grit my teeth and hold on…to another day in paradise on the edge of reason.

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9:29 am awake again and feeling grateful and astonished at the bursting and flourishing of great creativity that this Covid epoch inspired by virtue of its death cults.

The human need to triumph over adversity. To thrive. To leave a legacy of beauty in an unspoken symbolic language of love: weaving time and space, hope, yearning and even fear and pain softened by the creative impulse.

I realise now that my 11 years of dancing, dealing with my grief and traumas after my mother’s death were a springboard to other openings of creativity, of heart and mind and soul.

She could no longer oppress my spirit or deny me my preternatural birthright: truth, Joy, healing and making sense of my life in a whirlpool of muck that was/is the apocalyptic birth pangs.

Ch ch ch changes. Life will always find a way but to truly move beyond this Epoch of division and Dis-ease, of fear addiction and fear porn we must choose Life and Love and Peace.

We must trust that China also wants a future for her children. That she will not fall into the lurid trap set for her by America and Australia to have a button pushing final solution that ends even our planet.

For that outcome of hell from which there is no remedy…we humans, all life forms, physical and interdimensional, need to intervene in humanity’s crass bestial self-immolating urges.

I call upon the gods…hear me now, your Little One. She whom you would not let die a myriad of times since my conception….protect us, save us, gift us Wisdom and Grace and basic human kindness. Before it’s too late.

Keep doing what you do best: disarming the nuclear silos as we are dirty filthy malevolent children using science for malevolent anti humanist anti-planetary purposes… and we know better.

Let us value Life and the breath more than Big Pharma vaccines and nuclear immolation. Value our children’s futures as free and happy humans rather than the bestial greed and corporate plastic virtual unreality.

More than sending Teslas to Mars like a giant cock flog to show how clever and fucking grandiose we are. When we could use that money to heal our Earth and all that lives on it, instead of evacuating to another planet that our original ancestors probably helped destroy eons ago. Fuckwits!

“You can never go back to the scene of a perfect crime!”

Hold onto this beauty we already were born to and show her some respect and loyalty. Stop raping her with your mad science that you serve like an anomalous evil religion. Your false gods of mental constructs. Your raping immolating sadism.

Go into Nature and hug a tree and learn about real life and spirit from the wildness and the oceans, the mountains and forests. Learn to live in harmony and in awe of all that is, as manifested on this planet: our home. Our mother, our life portal.

Channel your rage and hate for all that is wrong and evil and debased into building a safe constructive future in the Eternal now. Start today!

One day at a time Sweet Moses.

The power to create and rebuild and to Love is within you.

But you need to stand up against the evil monstrousities of propaganda and poisons. Start by saying No to the evil peddling false gods and saying Yes to life and Nature.

My time here is limited. It always was. Each generation has to be taught the power of both their Yes and their No and be prepared to hold true to their soul’s wisdom.

Shine by example. Be like the fireflies, living each day in freedom and bliss.

Make Love Not War and live and die as free and organic humans.

As much as possible for as long as possible.

Keep your children Human!

12 October 2020

ICONOCLASM, CATACLYSM, CALAMITY FUCKING JANE: it’s all the same..

BOLLOCKING BOLLOCKS AND FUCKERY ACROSS ALL STRATOSPHERES OF THIS SHITSHOW OF A SOCIETY.

BUT WHEN THEY FUCK WITH THE TANYA THEY FUCK ONE PERSON TOO MUCH.

I will be drawing a line in the Sand.

Thank the gods I had a nice day on the beach yesterday. :-)

…

And I must ask myself: WHERE ARE THE RUTH BADER GINSBURGS OF THIS GENERATION? The MAYA ANGELOUS? THEY ARE ALL DEAD!!!

Women with HEART AND SOUL AND GUTS IN THIS VAPID INEPT USELESS MOTHERFUCKING GENERATION??!

THE REST ALL IN SERVICE TO THEIR “Masters” like Fellating Handmaiden.

It’s utterly Shameful EXCEPT they have no Shame. SHAMELESSLY SELLING OUT THE SISTERHOOD ONE BLADDER AND VAGINA AT A TIME.

NOT JUST JOHNSON AND JOHNSON WITH THEIR MEDIATION (hahaha we know how that goes...more selling out of women each and every time for a few crumbs or the merest scrap of our actual entitlement!)

But even the female gynaecologists who cavorted and consorted with those filthy dirty VIOLATERS so they could keep their fancy careers and tenures and opulent lifestyles on the backs of decent, innocent and sick patients after our innards literally dropped out of our guts AFTER poor Midwifery and all the other constant predations we as Women have endured!

They can go fuck themselves. Because I don’t need the Insult added to the injury. Nor the pathetic paltry compensation to assuage their barely contrived facsimile of acceptance of Guilt.

To those of you Gullible enough to engage in the Johnson And Johnson case filed by Shine Lawyers.

DON’T EVEN BOTHER!!! I just spoke to one of their team and questioned why I am being blatantly lied to and disrespected.

They wrote me an email vaguely asking for further information and BLATANTLY lied that they have tried a few times to contact me via my mobile.

No contact from them since February which they claim was because of Covid. A primitive childlike excuse!

I asked the young man where the professionalism was?

Even the email was signed “Alexandra” no surname, no job designation.

Utterly unprofessional! I don’t need their incompetence or the stress it would put me through dealing with more lawyers who lie, and prevaricate.

Women’s bodies were utterly violated by Johnson and Johnson, including my own only to have to rely on a law firm so fucking inept and lazy that they are incapable in a world of instant global communication, to reply to phone calls or feedback.

I told them to fuck off and fuck themselves.

I am Done!

Interestingly AFTER I yelled at the team member -some male named Alec- about the lies from Alexandra that she had tried to call me several times (if so why did she not leave a message? Any basic receptionist knows that is protocol when you call someone!)

Young Alexandra rang me immediately! Left a message (which in my fury I INTENDED to ignore!) then rang a second time.

I told her to remove me from the class action as I cannot deal with their stupidity or incompetence. It is enough they have lied to my face and this whole class action looks to me to be a fucking scam or a sell-out of Women YET AGAIN!

But how interesting after lying in that email that she could suddenly ring me AND leave a Message?!!!

Complete and utter incompetent fuckery and no doubt damage control.

I have sent copies of these status updates to my psychiatrist who already thinks I am an Iconoclast...but how can one continue to exist in Such a debauched treacherous inept incoherent society? Where even doctors and dentists at public hospitals find it SPORT to debase and destroy women’s bodies and deliberately trigger our trauma responses. Evil dirty cunts!

But (breathes...) the sun is shining, I have Beauregard and Charlie and Socks...and my Sacred Space garden I co-created here.

That is enough. The rest can go to the dogs!!!

…

Here’s a happy thought for the afternoon!

They have raped and poisoned us for decades.

Matter of fact they are doing it right now.

No one can barely think straight, maintain any sort of professionalism or treat any woman with respect.

We have backslid into the primEVIL dark ages.

What the fuck Has happened? It’s like living in some dystopian alternate universe.

Never mind I will continue to hold my head up high.

…

Don’t cry Megan. We need to fight this awful ignoble incompetent Rape Culture Society we helped create !

To think: I offered up my own Bladder as Tribute in the naive belief that I could piss normally again and not be incontinent. So far so good but instead I find myself metaphorically Pissing blood as I know they damaged me (and continue to damage me ie recent dentistry at QE2. )Then the vile sexual harassment from my lawnmower man.

Ugh!

MEN MADE ME WHOM I AM TODAY.

Thank god for decent kind men like my friend Jarrod and my psychiatrist.

Megan Phillips: their talc had asbestos in it and we powdered our babies with it, worse though, old ladies got cancers where they put the powder.

12 October 2019

Glory be to all the gods! It rained all night and is still raining! Fabulous! I was so worried yesterday that it was just going to be another spit and tease. My garden and the wild birds will be rejoicing!

12 October 2018

Hard not to feel haunted .... but I am whom I am Becoming...in spite of all the ignorance, and spite. A woman of valour..if only in my own eyes. Strong, beautiful, formidable, full of curiosity and love and hope (still hope...after all the betrayals and grief!) A miracle.

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12 October 2017

Really tired today but glad I had a nice time out of the house. I took The Beau for a quick walk to the dog park as he needed the exercise. He is much more settled now.

My back is hurting (from the damp weather and humidity) but I am so relieved it has been raining. Lots more rain forecast on the weekend. (That is if the weather people aren't confabulating again!)

…

Today I hung out at the Whites Hill coffee shop owned by Amanda. I read a book for a while. Beauregard dozed at my feet. It was nice as it was raining softly.

I saw Terrie, and Joanne with her little dog Tawny, and later Jason. Jason noticed the brown spot in my right eye from across the table (about a metre and a half away). That young man has excellent vision to notice that!

Amanda commented when I giggled at something witty Joanne had said, that she loves my laughter.

So I am feeling very cherished and nurtured. Lovely day.

….

I forgot to mention that a nice gentle-faced man had been looking in my direction. As is my custom I gave little acknowledgement of this. When he came out with his groceries (the coffee shop is outside Woolworths) he came over to greet Joanne who cordially introduced me to the man. He seemed pleased and I smiled politely.

When he walked away Joanne told me he is a Catholic priest and he has been through a bout of depression as he carries a heavy burden ministering to his congregation, hearing all their secrets.

I commented that like psychiatrists, priests/rabbis and ministers need to debrief regularly with their peers and I have found that it is a lonely profession being in the service of G-d and/or the healing profession. She nodded in agreement.

I was struck by his kind face and gentle demeanour. I have seen him there before. Of course as he was in "civvies" I had not known he was a priest. He would have noticed my tattoo of the burning bush and perhaps God's name in Hebrew under it. (Although most priests are conversant in Latin, some study Biblical Hebrew too.)

So I had the feeling he was hoping to meet me. Lol! Sounds weird I know but those of us whom are "marked" by G-d have a weird sort of kinship. Regardless of religious ideology.

…

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Wonderful news! It is raining! Light rain but any ionised water from the heavens is welcome.

12 October 2016

So last week I went to the chemist to buy some more HRT. I had tied Bobo outside and he was going nuts, crying and yelping, so I decided to go to the supermarket to get some things and come back to collect my script (thereby being out of sight of The Beau, the little separation anxiety control freak).

So I come back to the chemist and the nice young woman tells me he had settled down and proceeds to hand over my medication. I see one of the boxes has Cialis written on it, with a man's name. I start laughing.

I say "Love, I know I am a hard arse and I could do with being able to stand and deliver all day long but that medication is definitely not mine. I doubt that gentleman would like a large dose of oestrogen instead of his Viagra either. It might make him grow breasts!"

She looks confused. Looks at the packaging. "Oh the other lady put 7 in 17. Oh dear. She mixed up our boxes." I said "yeah mixed up boxes happen, but I really need my HRT." She grins "yeah I would have realised when I came to ring up the order as Cialis costs $200."

I start laughing again. "Whoa, a hard man is good to find, and expensive!" She says "Yeah, Viagra only makes them hard for a few hours, and they have to take it 3 hours before so it is a lot cheaper as Cialis makes them ready to go every day. That is why it costs so much!"

I had no idea there was a difference. I thought Cialis was just a generic name brand for Viagra. The things you learn when there is a mix-up.

So I get home and unpack my medication, slap on my new patch for some juicy goodness then had another flashback of visiting my former ancient (80 year old) psychiatrist. He had had boxes of the stuff on a counter behind his desk.

At the time I had no idea but embarrassingly for both of us I am a compulsive reader and was curious. I asked my doctor "What is Cialis? Is it a new psychiatric medication?" He reddened. "No Tanya. That is mine."

"Oh" I said "there is a lot. What is it for?" He looked directly at me. "It is a form of Viagra". This time I blushed. "Oh Doctor. Oh!...Cool!"

Looking back on it, he had enough boxes up there to keep him very busy for several months. What a guy! Not only was he still running a practise and working extremely hard (until the medical board shut him down due to his advanced age) but he was still making mad passionate love to his wife. Amazing!

He once told me not to worry about my extreme fatigue when I was sleeping 16-20 hours a day. "One day Tanya, you will be lucky and grateful to get 4 hours sleep." I said "I would just die! What do you do all night?" "Oh, I write papers for conferences. Submissions for court documents. Think great thoughts. I keep my mind very active. I only sleep 3-4 hours per night!"

I believed him. My own parents slept very little too. Mum would be up all night, reading or banging around her kitchen, making cups of tea.

I find when I am over-stimulated or else physically sick with some malaise I only sleep 5-6 hours too. Which is nuts as that is when I need a decent rest.

My current Doctor says I am like a naughty child refusing to sleep when I am sickly. My highly sensitive limbic system really messes with my fragile mind.

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12 October 2015

Gawd I have been wide awake since 4.44am. I just had breakfast. Fried eggs, raisin toast and Watties spaghetti. Thanks, Sally. She buys me NZ treats :-).

Lyn is coming over at 12. I might try to snooze before she gets here. Then Jarrod visiting in afternoon.

…

I deferred the colonoscopy for one month. So that gives me more time to get better before I have a major overhaul and tweak of my internal combustion system. Phew! I can breathe now!

…

I am gonna get up, greet the sun, make a cup of tea and then rest a bit longer.

…

4.44 am. I woke up after literally passing out with exhaustion at 10.30 pm. The birds are singing and I feel very strange to be so tired yet so alert.

Dee Medium was right about my Ascension. I feel so replete with love but fragile like a glass made from Ice. A certain pitch or tone and I could shatter into a thousand bejewelled pieces, only to melt into the floor. Inter dimensional metamorphosing. Slip sliding away into a new paradigm. Bliss!

12 October 2014

7.48 am. Woke up to some delightful Meshugass re: shabbat project. Makes me glad to be a Heathen lmao! Halachic Challah Bake-off hell in Hila's kitchen. Hilarious!

Brisbane Jewry is a mess. This is not news to me. 27 years of in-fighting over ancient impractical ridiculous practises.

Challah baking doth not the Woman make. Nor leyning from Torah, the man.

Gender segregation is vital only if you are about to get naked in public. Perhaps appropriate for the Mikveh. The rest is a sham!

…

3.50 am. Home safe and alone with spasming feet. Too much dancing is killing me but I have had a great time.

George played crowded house "you better be home soon" very loudly and I heard it as I was stumbling along bare-footed in agony along George St. I had to have a little smile to myself. Nice to be serenaded to my car.

He really loved my boots too. I had to take them off, along with my stockings as is my custom as the pain was intense but the boots are surprisingly comfortable. It's all the leaping about that does me in. I even sat down a lot tonight to pace myself.

Now I am home unfurling my foot muscles like a new-born mermaid turned human and listening to the morning songbirds. It is beautiful to come home to. The world is so peaceful yet melodic at 4 am.

I wouldn't be dead for quits.

12 October 2011

I've had a surprisingly mellow day! Lyn popped round and lent me money so I can get all schmick for the weekend. I'm looking forward to having my hair done Friday morning. I will look almost blonde again lol!

Then I spent some time washing, polishing my dressers and washing the ornaments I keep on the dressers...what a schamozzle! Then I pruned some bushes, and wandered around aimlessly. Then had a lovely chat on the fone to Jarrod then Carol in Melbourne.

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The busyness continues...I'm completely knackered, after steam cleaning my rugs, and floors, vacuuming floors and couch. I woke up tired and don't know how I've gotten the energy to do all this. But at least I know the house is finally getting clean!

I also took my perfume bottle collection out of the crappy plastic display cabinet, put them on display in the bathroom and today I spent most of the day moving my cd collection into my 20 drawer cabinet in my bedroom so I have less clutter in the living room. That took an awfully long time cos many of the cds were quite grimy.

Lol I'm lathered in sweat but have made huge progress! I will never win Hausfrau of the Year Awards but it's good to finally have clean floors again! The rug looked like Bella had pumped out Clone Puppies everywhere. Took me a lot of vacuuming and steaming to get the rug back to it's natural state.

12 October 2009

Why is it Bad to be Mad and if you are Madly Bad or Badly Mad what good can come out it? If you are Sad that you are Mad, and then feel Bad...just get Madder...works for me! I don't ever want to be made to feel bad about being Mad, cos that would truly be Sad and I've been so Mad for so Long that Madness is Better.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons