Memories: 8 October 2023

8 October 2023

A quiet day. I made a video for YouTube this morning. Other than that I haven’t done much. Watched a tv show “Motherland: Fort Salem” and watched podcasts.

I was bemused and delighted this afternoon when Charley had a visit from the wild male rainbow lorikeet and he was trying to seduce her with his courtship ritual. She actively avoided all his advances. It was hilarious.

8 October 2022

I have managed quite successfully to have a bad sunburn. Shit. This means more skin cancers and associated tortures with my pale white flesh! My own stupid fault working outside cutting Perspex in the hot midday sun without sunscreen.

Wear sunscreen…except I hate it and believe it’s just as carcinogenic as the actual Sunburn. Still in all, I should have worked in the shade or waited until late afternoon.

But the Perspex cutting is noisy and gives off lots of plastic flecks so a job better done outside.

I just had a nice hot shower to wash off the Perspex residue, soothe my burnt skin and lathered myself in Dermadrate.

I need to rest soon too. Laila Tov!

…

I have loaded my car as I am so exhausted I don’t trust my energy reserves to do it first thing in the morning.

Now heating up pies and sitting on the couch watching “The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power”.

I almost fell asleep watching it earlier. So will finish the episode, eat my pies then fall into bed.

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3.17 pm. I just finished four hours of cutting and grinding little Perspex earring displays. (This after dancing last night!) I have pushed myself too hard so I hope I am not too exhausted tomorrow. Lol.

But I am happy with my efforts.

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2:37 am home from a great night out dancing along to Zoophonic Blonde. Then the dj.

My psychiatrist’s intuition was half right. I did not see the ”cyclist” but his cousin turned up around 1 am. He stared at me briefly. Probably doesn’t remember who I am but no worries there. There were a few other former regulars whom I hadn’t seen since before the mandates. They watched me eagerly. I just ignored them.

When the cousin turned up on the dance floor I was having a wild old time hamming it up with some lovely man, so that was a positive. If he does decide to gossip about me all he can say is I was doing what I have always done! Living my best life, on my fourth or fifth wind, dancing wildly and joyously. Take that, Motherfucker!! 😉

I had a sweet young man dancing with Jo and Geraldine and I. He was shy and not intrusive and he really loved dancing…so I included him for a while. But when I began to wind down with exhaustion, he was dancing with another group of revellers. All good.

I will be in recovery mode the rest of today (Saturday) then off to my new venture on Sunday. I am terribly excited about a) being brave enough to try new things, b) letting go of resentment and anger at old lovers (even if I still think they were sadistic motherfuckers)…but the past is starting to package itself up like a stale old tear-stained yellowed half rotten love letter in a memory box somewhere.

I am allowing myself the release and relief for/of the greatest love of my life…my nascent becoming and it’s been a long hard excruciating work in progress but every single moment is a miracle and I honour that. I honour the happiness that seeps through me on the dance floor and the joy that engulfs me in my sacred space garden.

I welcome the spirit inside me that has slowly healed herself and I kiss her good night and wish her only the greatest, most delicious unfolding in the next few months or years or decades. However much longer I have on this planet. I am grateful and satisfied.

There was nothing else I could have done but let the poison leach itself where it most belonged. With the vicious perpetrators…and let karma, time and an entire covidian zombie apocalypse take care of the rest!

The death cult is finally settling but it has made people realise that our lives are short and precious and kindness, honour and integrity are the currency of the next paradigm.

Or so I hope…

8 October 2021

11:11 pm hold true, hold strong, hold heart in precious hands.

Laila Tov! From me!

…

…

Today and every day from now. I will be sending messages from the gods: of Hope, Love, Kindness, Honour and integrity.

After listening to Linda Moulton Howe’s dire death cult predictions I have started to feel that even the supposed good prophets are EVIL!

I need to shift the timelines back to pre-September 11 2001 when whatever turned those buildings to dust, whatever technology was used to kill innocent humans began the slow steady descent into this Covid paradigm.

I was kept alive (even against my own Will) too many times to be living in this hellish existence for no good reason.

There must be a higher purpose that God or the gods had in mind when they told me at that last red breath at that last surgery that I would be sent back to a veritable hell on earth as I was needed.

I thought it was preposterous and a drug soaked hallucination from the cholecystectomy but alas no… the last breath that seemed to go on forever but was mere seconds taught me well.

LOVE IS THE LAW. The fabric of the universe and although I have had to cut my cloth accordingly Love is such a powerful Force of both Nature and SUPERNATURE that even though I was gifted the merest scraps from a man’s table, heart and soul I have proven myself capable to fan it into a huge Violet flame of Hope and selfless absurdist denial but yes…the LOVE that was stolen from me, suffocated by hands of hate and despair, raped, beaten and dishonoured… that tiny tiny fractalised ember IS what can turn this Earth back to the paradise, the garden She once was.

Consider my face painted blue! (I might go really mad and get blue stripes tattooed on my high Slavic cheekbones.)

I am calling out to Freedom, to the gods, to LOVE ITSELF that is called Many Names in all Faiths and Spirituality BUT to the WILL TO GOOD, Will to Love to triumph over Evil.

I call your names in a myriad of tongues across the galaxies. In the silence of the Aleph, in my very breath that You God breathed into me.

WHERE ARE YOU NOW OH HOLY ONE!?

DO NOT FORSAKE US! Even those who ceded their inner spark of light for the false demonic promise of longevity. Those who sacrificed their own babies to that evil Moloch baby eater vaccine.

I whom have no grandchildren and now no hope of them. Destined to die alone in poverty, in isolation on a dying planet with the arrant arrogance and lunacy of humanity who thought they could fuck with the fabric of time and space and bring nuclear war on Nagasaki and Hiroshima.

Who destroyed the crust of our earth in testing in the pacific and in Russia. Who dared to think we could maintain an ecosystem after that profound Evil.

No wonder we have Visitors from distant galaxies monitoring our actions as we are dangerous verminous children of the gods playing at Death instead of Life.

So where is my message of Hope in this hopeless hellscape?

I have looked into the faces of my infant children (almost 36 years ago). Seen their souls suffused in radiant golden light. Watched it diminish from trauma over time. Yes I did, and it was the worst punishment a woman could endure. But I endured it.

I watched the love in the faces of my beloved pets and watched their lives cut short by timelines not of my choosing. I made friends with death as a natural and expected outcome of any life. It nearly killed me…the grief.

Now I was cheated out of Socks’s passage into the light by those evil greedy vets but he is here in my heart and on top of my cabinet as ashes. (Thanks to Sally who could not bear to have him discarded after the ghastly horror we were put through!)

But Socks and all my beloved pets were Love. Love for no reason, no agenda, just existing in this timeline as way showers of what is real and what matters.

Not money, status or greed (although he was a galloping gourmand who loved food and loved his many mothers!)

I have made a damn fool of myself and left a message on the phone of my former beloved to remind him that I acknowledge he did not want me but my love remains.

Shit happens. She who was always incapable of a stable solid loyal faithful honouring love partnership. Still reaches from beyond the veils of an actual real life apocalypse because I can… and must… Love!

I love you. I hate what we have become but I will love us back from the brink of immolation.

…

There is always someone worse off…fuck my fucking teeth and suicidal ideation. The gods at least blessed me with a nice home. For as long as that lasts…I am grateful.

Hell! Even my gratitude is a living breathing act of Defiance!!!

…

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8 October 2020

I was often stranded because my parentsss plural were Cunts. I never Forgot one kind woman at Courtenay Place bus stop, who saw me in deep distress in my school uniform, age 14.

My school bus pass could not be used after 5 pm and I had gone (with permission) to visit a school friend but had no money on me and without being able to use my bus pass had no way of getting home. So I burst into tears.A lady saw me and gave me the change for the bus fare. An Angel.

I often wonder why I bothered going home to those bastards at all. (I had rung Cees to tell him I was stranded on the public phone. I had a few coins to make the phone call) but he replied if I went to my friends after school it was not his responsibility to pick me up and to get my own way home!

My god I hated him. I can’t believe I was so kind to him when he was dying. He deserved no kindness from me after a childhood of frequent rape threats and financial abuse and other splitting behaviours with my evil bastard mother.

But Breathe Tanya... they are all dead and gone now and no longer have permission to take up space in my head.

My life (what is left of it!) is Beautiful. I am loved and supported by good kind people. I am healing!

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8 October 2019

Tonight is Erev Yom Kippur! G’mah Chatima Tovah to those who are fasting and purging their souls, bodies and minds of decades of crap, entering the sanctuary of the Holy One with clear hearts and clean minds.

I honour your holiness.

I will not be participating...for various reasons. I am on a different path now. The path to freedom from oppression and hypocrisy. I used to fast and daven with kavvanah while simultaneously under constant vicious attack (as a post I commented on just now reminded me). So......fuck that....

God or the One who Created the Multiverses has changed my heart and mind. Something I never thought possible decades ago when I yoked myself to Reform Judaism with great joy and a sense of Belonging. But after arriving in Brisbane I was scapegoated and demonised so often, that it is indeed miraculous that I survived it all.

Where was G-d in all this??? Trapped like a tiny spark of Hope inside my broken fractalised heart and each time I fanned that tiny tiny ember of Light into a blazing Fire and when/if necessary burnt down all my haters in my midst (metaphorically). For I chose Judaism but G-d also Chose me with my extraordinary struggles and the discrimination and violence I endured over the years.

Not a Jew anymore (or am I?)

Only God knowsss.

I will remind my “people” this though. Every time I encounter true evil in the form of antisemitism, racism, Nazism, misogyny, child abuse, xenophobia, animal Abuse, or the grossest chutzpah and utter hypocrisy of people who slandered me in 1989 and basically got away with it... I will always stand with Survivors against Abusers both within or from outside our Jewish community.

Always have...always will.

Update: haha once again the Yomim Tovim bring me cognitive dissonance, hangman’s humour and existential angst oh and the yearly misfortunes (running out of enough money and this year a dead pet chicken (Kapparot???!)

It would seem a curse if it wasn’t just so bloody awe-ful and a tad Meshuggeh!

So where will The Tanya be next year and the year after that or the next five years?

Shaking my fists at the Multiverses that never cuts me any slack and fighting for survival and perhaps even thrival. Loving Dickheads who abused my heartfelt intentions (see you soon...Dave!)…Perhaps moving on and opening my heart and mind and razorwired loins to a new more wholesome respectful Lover. (Oy! Will the Gods/Goddesses and assorted Fae and Trickster spirits ever Bless me ...Achoo! Alakazoo! Uzi special...never mind...hyperbolating cos I can!)

This Jewish/Heathen woman has been celibate and wry and wary long enough. Punished for standing up in her own Dignity and righteousness.

A decent kind woman done wrong by her former community/tribe and current Society.

But I will let Shit(s) go. My time to be Angry and embattled and embittered must slide. I paid a price to the gods. Enough already.

Time to Rise and Shine in the ever-loving arms of the Sublime Divine. She has my back. Of that I am certain. Or I would not have been kept alive and loved just enough by true friends to sustain this existence.

Humbling. Gratifying. A gift.

I am curious to see what this new year has in store for me. I feel that I have been kept alive so that I may witness my greatest dreams/ideals/ intentions come to Fruition. So mote it be.

Exciting times...:-)

8 October 2018

https://www.facebook.com/1340840204/posts/pfbid02SQNGsa4vKYEjA6fy8Z55HQNAS2SqV1PRGK8hFxjE4KiE7aJd8ZvAUFWTvwEoiA4dl/?mibextid=v7YzmG

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8 October 2017

There is a love that does not die no matter how many times he kills it. It seeps and grows like a spreading balm, drips sweetness like date palm.

Each time he cuts it deep and stifles it with superficial callow hatred, she grows out again. Blossoms, and sheds her outer husk and shucks her seeds of transformation to wherever they fall, beauty grows, in dark moist rich manure.

Seeking out the light, and peace and laughter, Love unfurls like a fern, flicking its way from the dark, musty rich soil to the effulgent air, unfolding exponentially.

The undead creature lives on. In her own power and potential. Denied and rectified. Tormented and edified. The killing came too late.

She shed the dead skin and kept the dream of love alive, deep inside her soul. He lives there now. Murderer of women's hearts. But he is now her prisoner. A ghost in the machine.

And that is the irony.

…

Trigger warning: CSA. Trauma, Survival

This is a poignant veignette of a life of a complex ptsd survivor. I see so many similarities in her personality formed by trauma.

I never murdered anyone either (but I honestly should have and frequently wish I had but I feared prison and losing my freedom, my children and my mind more than killing those bastards.

I lost both my daughters now, too. Everything I fought to survive was to be a mother and possibly grandmother. All gone. All hope is gone. My life ultimately stolen by more bastardry than you can poke a penis at.

As to saying No. My life now is a constant pernicious Fuck You/Fuck Off to society. I am living proof that you can reclaim your life and dance to Oblivion and be free (if only in my own heart and mind).

I love that this woman had her own boat to escape to the sea whenever she liked. I loved her surfing (a skill I would like to learn some day). The sea saved my life also. The vastness of space, the glimpse of eternity, the freedom. I want to go home to the sea in Byron Bay but am trapped and mired and fucking consecrated in hellish poverty.

So I escape by dancing in the weekends, in an environment that is often dangerous and toxic. Surrounded by the mad and bad and those striving to wake up inside their own minds and bodies and reclaim their power, their intrinsic beauty, their soul.

I was protected last night from a creep stalker who blatantly harasses me every few weeks or months. After I almost gave up and was close to leaving (as he is so foul I have to fight my rage and restrain myself from headbutting him) finally security threw him out.

I was surprised. I am rarely protected like that. I have had to rise above every seedy psychopath that dogs me in that place. (For the inglorious privilege of having a place to dance where I am known and usually respected.)

I am the freak on my spot, the unqualified unpaid "entertainment". I am ok with that but when it goes bad, it goes bad very quickly but I come back each week as Dancing for me is like Surfing (liberating my blocked meridians, my broken heart and torn and shattered mind and dark-clowning my pain and rage and abandonment into the movement and mimicry of lyrics of songs.)

Surging and purging and occasional Laughter. Stomping and prancing through my life and occasionally finding angels of light and love and compassion. Most of the time keenly aware of how absurd I look and how terribly lonely I am but knowing that I am an inspiration, if only for myself.

This woman Vena (and I). We are not Crazy. We are Beautiful Disasters, but we are strong, deserving of peace, happiness and Love. Real authentic brave and calming, joyous sustaining mutual love.

We know what it feels to be loved wrongly, badly, cruelly and also to not be loved at all.

May our "iniquities" be small ones. Our freedom forever exponentially blossoming.

May those fake friends/lovers/family that tried to block me from success, happiness, love and achieving dreams just Fuck off to the Void. They already took so much from me, sucked and leeched my soul and heart and mind. And I gave to them so willingly, so purely, so blindly hoping against all hope and reason and that they were true and loyal and loving. Only to be betrayed time and again.

If I could design my next life I would ask to never exist again in any carnate form. To be one with the Ein Sof Aur. With Nirvana. Because I am so tired of the evil bullshit.

But designs are made to be re-created and scrapped and born again. Different. Or better, or blessed or whatever.

The voyeurs sit perched like carrion feeders in the sky, waiting for their chance to push me down or keep me down and every now and then poke me to see if I still get up and hurdy gurdy ride another day. And I always do! One more ride, one more rise and shine. I got this!

“www.end pain.com Moon Child”

8 October 2014

Lyn and I sat by her Chimenea fire and absorbed the powerful energies of the moon glow.

We spoke of things close to our heart, while I ate most of her biscuits, drank tea and smoked 2 of her cigarettes. I am a Hobbit. I love my creature comforts.

Puppy was very happy to see me and even got out of bed to see me off. She hasn't been well so that was a huge effort for the Doggess-goddess, to smile me on my way!

I love that dog! Makes me miss Miss Bella Rosa!

Lyn gave me an armful of Pepinos to plant in the garden tomorrow and 2 racks to hang necklaces on. She spoils me rotten!

I love my friends!!! They are awesome!

…

Home from psych. Fridge working! Hallelujah! It was the fish pond pump.

I have been trying to cut the top off a blue plastic drum as we have goldfish roe so need another 'pond' to grow them out in. It is arduous as I really need an electric saw to do the job. I have given up, lathered in sweat, so now awaiting the storm and moving food back into kitchen.

Here I thought I was going to have a quiet peaceful day. So disappointing that the storm clouds will mask the Blood Moon. The energy is ramped up high, regardless.

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I had a wonderful debrief with my Doctor. He said I am definitely not a Narcissist and have a healthy attitude to my self-preservation and protection from abuse.

He said he loves working with me as my psychotherapist as I always keep it real, am brutally honest, direct, blunt about my own life and my interactions with other people. He says I am blindsided in love relationships, which he can't work out where that blindness stems from, as I am insightful and Honest.

Even if a tad obsessive at times, it is driven by a genuine desire for a supportive, loving, genuine partnership. He says I often block or reject people but he thinks I would use my intelligence to push them away.

He says my avoidance comes from fear of pain and abuse and rejection. (So true!) I am also genuinely clingy at times, when I think I have found a man who can be real with me so I swing between the dichotomy of wanting a lover then pushing them away.

I agree with everything he says. I deliberately won't give up on a certain person, even though I know he is unavailable. So I fall for the trap of living in love fantasy and rejecting anything that might become real.

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He said I am a No Bullshit Woman! I am also gaining Mastery over Psychopaths and he is pleased that I am finally learning to stand up and be counted, after a lifetime of trauma and abuse.

I told him I got sick of being a Zombie for 20 years and I intend to keep dancing as long as possible.

He agreed that it has been good for me.

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Farrrrrrrrk! Fridge Kaput! Now no fridge. Will have to put what I can in the Bar fridge! So upsetting!

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I think my mother's fridge is dying. I got it via The Public Trustee in 2008. It didn't seem very old when I got it.

I just got up to find my fuses have blown. I suspect the fridge. I put the power back on but am expecting it to blow out again. FML. I can't afford a new fridge!

Fingers crossed, it was just a glitch in the Matrix!

Jarrod Nielsen: What makes you think it was the fridge? Check all your plugs to make sure one of the cats hasn't caught themselves up in a cord somewhere and half pulled a plug out.

Me: It's the fridge. It's been making weird noises for some time now. Freezer is all defrosted. Fuck it!

I think it is front fish pond pump. I had to race out to my shrink without a hair brush, as I was frantically turning the fuse back on trying to find out what was blowing out power. I look Insane and feel insaner!!!

I will have to check fridge again, when I get home and move stuff back into it if it is still working fine.

…

Just as I shared the photos of cats ruling the world, Miss Penny came up, beside my head, stared at my iphone screen, looked at the cats, looked at me intensely and lovingly, like she was about to kiss me.

She increased the volume of her purr from pleasant to intoxicating. I gave her a quick pat on the head. She lingered a bit longer then went back to the foot of the bed.

Funny girl. She wanted to see what this Facebook is all about and why De Mama has not got out of bed yet? Cos I am bloody tired! I have to get up though. I see my psychiatrist at 3 pm. Yayyy!

8 October 2013

I had a lovely day...so far! Woke up at 3 pm. Julie came over and brought chicken, salad and aeoli, and a cheesecake. We watched Home and Away and hung out. I love my awesome friends :-)

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4.53 am. Still awake. Just ate brie on toast. Yum! Gonna try to sleep though. Niters!

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3.33 am extremely broke. I spent the $10 Crystal left for me in the car on a drink and a listen to music then I came home. I was out for 2 hours after sleeping all day, and felt the urge to be out in the world.

I saw some faces I recognised. One was one of the former Security guards who was so kind and sweet to tell me he was sorry about what had happened and it would not have happened if he'd been on duty that night.

I was pleased to see him at Irish Murphies and again when I ran into him and his lady briefly when I went to the casino to get a lemonade for free with my membership card...lol. (you get two free drinks per day).

I have had a nice day, feeling relatively happy. I still miss my girl Miss Bella Rosa heaps but the pain is slowly subsiding. Today I was a bit alarmed that the hens were scratching around her grave. Fortunately they weren't digging her up or I would have freaked out!

8 October 2012

Massive Big Orb of a red sun setting this evening as I was driving home from hairdresser. I was stuck in traffic or I would have taken a photo. That big red Ball really made me smile!

8 October 2010

Right now I could do with a good drink and a loud party. Not sure that would be wise given my current life circumstances but I could be loud, inappropriate, extreme and everyone would think I'm drunk (you know, my usual self). Who needs parties to out themselves? (Psssst Shabbat Shalom, Y'All) in my case....Oneg Shabbat!

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I'm not really doing well emotionally at the moment after more unpleasantness. However I was happy that Gail took me out today and helped me take my Bella to the dog groomers for her doggy haircut.

Bella came out looking gorgeous and Gail and I were most impressed. (Now I need to get my own haircut and spruce myself up a bit-Mothers always come last!)

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons