Memories: 15 October 2023

15 October 2023

Today was a scathing hot day. I made a video for YouTube then spent a few hours in the afternoon cutting a porcelain toilet cistern I had placed in the fork of the golden rain tree, out with my Dremel.

The tree had started to grow over it so I couldn’t remove it. After quite a bit of effort I managed to get it out. I will keep it on ground level and plant some flowers or herbs in it.

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https://youtu.be/riUZzs0CD-s?si=FBzDYRCmXSifrUbg

15 October 2022

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3:23 am home from an awesome night out. I got to see Katrina at the end of my night. We had a lovely long chat. I haven’t seen her for about a year.

Now home, eating toast and avocado. Drinking tea. Contented with my wild witchy ways.

15 October 2021

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Sydney Rock Orchids. (I think!) they were a present from an Englishman named Gus who was an artist and an epic bloody Stoner who wanted me to have these as a gift as he was dying of cancer. (I helped feed his family a few times when I was destitute myself so this was his token of appreciation!)

Wherever you are Gus (not his real name!) I hope you are thriving in paradise and still creating beautiful art.

I have a powerful and beautiful and slave-bloody- driving Muse in my life now. Encouraging me and putting me to work on idiotic artistic endeavours like making beads out of timber.

Is that you????

Or some other deviant “Angel”?

But I did put prayers out to the universe to help me prosper in all my undertakings and to help me open up more to my unique talents and creativity.

(I also asked for a true love partnership…)

But I am glad that one of prayers got answered although it is kinda killing me, trying to succeed with almost nothing. Lol!

Even so, I have hope for my own recalcitrant blossoming as the world slowly disintegrates into disarray.

The Tanya rising and shining in a crisis as I was always born to do.

Like Phoenix or like Pegasus flying Icarus into the sun.

Pushing myself beyond mortal imagination and stamina with my flagging body…for what? For my never ending psychedelic dream and my fractal myopic existence in this moment in time and space and Spirit.

L’Chaim! Life. Be in it! Of it. Delight in it. Embrace it. Dream it. Breathe it. Gift it.

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15 October 2020

11:11am. Good morning from the angels. What plans shall we be making and unmaking. Who’s hearts will we mend and who’s souls shall we defend?

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Watching “The Ghost Inside My Child” on Amazon Prime. About children remembering previous lives. Very interesting.

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Me: Don’t hit on me...don’t molest me either. Don’t sexually harass me. Don’t humiliate me. Don’t ever fucking come near me again. I am glad most of them are dead. (This was my own biological family and their partners.). Foster kids had it much much worse.

15 October 2019

I am feeling unsettled today. Moods very rapid cycling. A storm is hanging off in the stratosphere so I am jangled in my meridians. However I will be glad of more rain.

I am thinking about my failure to succeed in my love life. I told a woman I randomly met at Amanda’s little coffee shop yesterday that I had spent years and sometimes decades grieving over people who in truth, were not worth even a moment of my time or heart or energy.

So in effect I had had so much of my life force stolen by vile idiots but then I have to forgive myself as I was so loving and so willing and gave so freely of my heart and soul.

Whatever they drained me of, to the point I lay like a dessicated shucked off zombie for decades, cannot be replaced. I can never get back the brief moments of bliss that had me spiralled into dis-ease and malevolence.

I can only keep loving my Self, my life, my funny fat hobbit body stolidly holding her sacred space and keep believing that one day my true love will arrive. Without games, vicious superficial bullshit or other artifices.

I will trust in the process that began after my last near death experience. The incredible blossoming and unfurling of my lightbody that I had pushed down for far too long.

Not many saw me or valued me or understood me but by the gods I was blessed with earth angels who loved me and guided me and gave me enough strength to hurl myself back into the fray.

So to the feckless few who recklessly tried to destroy me....fuck you. I am rising and I am shining.

Even with my dysphoria and complex ptsd, my quirky attitude and my fortitude, my humour and my spirituality, my life force and possible “walk-ins”. I am grateful and blessed and happy in my own weird ways.

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Beautiful moon again tonight. Blessings upon our heads x

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Watching “Murder on the Bayou”. About a town full of murdered girls. Disturbing.

15 October 2018

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Rain rain go away, come another washing day. I was grateful for the rains after the long wintry drought. But now. Enough!

Everything in moderation! We had a good plush flush. Now some fine days are required to let the waters settle deep into the earth and let the flowers bloom. Then let it rain again. Flux and flow. Not death-like spirals of dessication then rancid flooding.

Gaia is out of balance and needs to regain her Primordial Dance - gentleness and grace on tippy toes. Not sluggish hellish stomping like how I dance. That is just an almighty temper tantrum turned into Art! Hahaha!

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I fucking ABHOR Christmas. Fucking triggered already...

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2:11pm. I have finally had a shower in preparation for my wonderful friend Jarrod and his little dog Harvey visiting.

The rain is starting to get to me. It was hard to get out of bed and get ready for the day today. My back hurts and my hands ache with arthritis from the dampness.

But I am Alive. Joyous. Awesome and in recovery from my Weekend Stomping revelry.

The indomitable will of the Tanya aka me is starting to even blow my own mind. My poor old body. Knows its own signature song in the cosmic swirl of the spheres. Bloody rebel! Bloody marvellous!

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This morning I have been thinking about the recent cycling out (and in!) of friends and prospective lovers. I feel like I am a tiny circle on a spirometric picture, sloughing off people who I thought were loyal loving friends as I watched them overtly compete with me for men (which is soulless putrid disloyal behaviour) and then, a month later observing the same male hanging around my energy, peering at me from the sidelines as he does. What does such a man want from me? He has already proven himself to be a feckless game playing stalker jerk.

I watched as his ally danced in front of me then shot him a look of schoolboy triumph. So I shot him a look of contempt and loathing. I am not a toy to be played with or have my emotions slaughtered by ghastly fools. Anyway the two men-children saw that I had witnessed their ribald asexual nonsensical game and laughed across the room to each other.

I just shrugged and kept dancing. They have no value in my life. Are not real. Not my friends and will never be my lover. So I thank the gods for revealing true colours fairly early in the piece, as I am too broken down by life and men to go down that rabbit hole again and rise up with another dead rotten skunk in my fist. I am done reanimating love corpses.

So I woke up this morning and was pondering: what is going on with my love life? It has never flourished and has been blocked and floundered by so much evil and envy that even I can no longer comprehend how this keeps happening.

So the answer came to me: I have found my Vibe and my Tribe. The cycling of souls I thought were true and trustworthy is a lesson for me in honouring my own life, my own Value as a woman, a friend, a lover.

I have always chosen to go through life alone rather than hold onto an abuser. I have raised my Standard. My goddess warrior Soul is signalling out to the cosmos. Only true friends and true loves need apply to be in the tribe of The Tanya.

I witness firsthand the love and loyalty of my true beloved friends who stand (or dance!) with me, with pride and honour and integrity. People who love me as I am and have fought long and hard for me - to survive and to thrive and to blossom out into the woman I am Becoming.

The woman who was tortured since early childhood, who had to grow back from all the rot and filth and treachery. Who had to fight for her own life every single day and night. Who now still lives in Pollyanna fantasies of finding a real love partner and keeping her own tiny family and world together and precious!

Loyalty! Of heart and mind and spirit. Of loins! Because I have been fucked up and fucked over and fucked off enough.

There are people in my “tribe” who love and honour me, no matter what. Who accept me as I am, in all my stoic brokenness and who will be in my life until the day I die.

The superficial and false ones that came to catch my vibe and tried to debase me...? Well, scratches head....they will drift away lost on a sea of emptiness having supped from my table and my spirit like vampyres of old, they shall now leave me...with a constant hunger and regret. It is not difficult to be a true loving friend. It only takes an open heart and caring respectful demeanour.

Mama T is closing the gates on those false ones, like the opening scenes of Get Smart. Stepping out from prisons of old griefs into the sunshine light of joyous delight!

There is a stone in my heart but it shines like an emerald : bright and clear and healing. I am suffused in a great and true love for myself. I know whom is real and whom is not. It is a very precious gift.

I was so terribly sad to lose Love and friendship but the dance shows me every time that those who truly want me in their lives will show up: clean and clear and devoid of artifice. Brave fierce protectors and defenders, comforters and healers of The Tanya.

This year has been very spiritual and powerful for me. I can only assume I am being prepared for the next phase of my life. However that manifests.

I am ready (at least I think I am...) I am excited for all the new beginnings and wonderful people who are yet to enter my life so we can enjoy our time on this planet and co-create a new existence for us all.

Some will stay (if only on Facebook lol) and some will go. That is life. Seasons of joy and seasons of sorrow. Yesterday/Today/Tomorrow. Converging in the space-time paradox for out of the box experiential awareness. What fun!

Love is the Law.

15 October 2016

Chag Sukkot Sameach! Happy Sukkot. The festival where we Jews remember (and enact in temporary makeshift housing in our backyards) the wandering (and homelessness!) in the desert for 40 years. Long time to be in temporary housing, living off Manna and the occasional quail. Lol! 40 years. A generation had to die out so slavery would be forgotten and the children of Israel could be a noble free people at last.

A sweet notion but Hashem forgot the DNA and the minds of men. What to do about the generational traumas?!

Look busy! Build a sukkah. Invite the underprivileged and unfortunate, the marginalised and abused (no invites this year or for many years lol! What?!Me Worry? I already live in temporary housing - a government asbestos-ridden cottage that is slowly killing me but shhh, ommm, pick lint out of my navel as I must practise gratitude :-). ).

Feast in your tabernacles, my kinderle. Enjoy the sweet harvest of your labours while peeping through the sheaves to espy the stars and the moon.

Tonight's moon a Super Moon in Aries, no less! No wonder I am supercharged with creativity and a broiling love energy. I have birthed babies in less love than this. Ahem! Also less passion but that is a very short story. 2 minutes. Ahem!

Where are the cast-offs of that maternal purging that brought me to the edge of death and reason for a 20 something year season?

One, another fucking sociopath fuelled by hate for a mother who dared to become free and therefore ugh, dirty mama, ew poor! The other, swanning in the temples of the Bard, g-d bless her airy fairy cotton socks.

Now The Tanya gives birth every day. Each day no less painful than the last but she grasps at something so ephemeral and out of reach that it humours her to the point of dying.

Funny old world innit? The haves and the Have nots. The Beloveds. And the Unlovèd. To be or not to be. To know, to see, to smile. To dance the light fandango while throwing cartwheels at the wall.

Fuck my life. Undeadable Zombie Creature rises from her grave. But is no man's slave. He only owns her heart. But she is free. Untameable unlovable lovely creature of Light and Smite and sometimes Blight. What delight!

Update 2020: Everything is temporary. Even the foul grief! Happy to report that life is much better for me lately. I even still hope rather foolishly for some sort of reconciliation with my younger daughter. Although that is not very likely. Life goes on...

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Time has flown today. Already 3.28 pm. Wow. Blinked and the day was gone. 5 hours sleep then a few minutes snoozing here and there. Stomach upset (the shock of dancing for 5 hours). All I want is True love and a peaceful settled happy old age. But I must dance like the girl with red shoes. To oblivion and beyond and back again.

So much love last night. Various casino friends coming to me with hugs and kisses when they saw my exhaustion seep out of me. Lovely. Humans can be so lovely. That is the stuff of my dreams. To be loved.

So out in the garden I will go. Take my shattered bowels, beleaguered mind, eternal intransigent soul, and fulsome loving heart and relax in the sunshine of bliss. With my beast The Beau, some very satisfied cats and some frazzled hens.

15 October 2015

Tonight I am gonna eat Watties Spaghetti, fried eggs from my awesome girls, and have some cheap wine. Why not? I can only rot my pearly whites a bit quicker. Haha!

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My little frog mate is out there clicking again :-). Happy noisy little buggar!

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Now sick with tummy upset. Also really sunburnt. I emptied the pond and put fresh water in it. My goldfish are huge now. So beautiful. I can't wait to buy a new pond filter and pump so I can keep the water clear. It is so lovely to see my babies again!

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Today I finally washed my goose down doona in the bath. Penny had vomited on it. So now it is out on the line, along with my feather pillows that started to smell a bit manky. Nice clean bed linen. Clean fresh pillows. Bliss Bombs!

I washed my mattress protector too. I need to buy a spare one to put on my bed while the other one is washed and dried. My bed is my sanctuary. The place I disrobe from my naked body and fly in the astral, to psychedelic dream and live in the worlds unseen and untouched, safe, happy and guided (apart from the various tsunami nightmares, dreams of spitting my teeth out and of my childhood). Even with my nightmares I still prefer to sleep. My mind sets me free. Blessed Be!

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I have just been to a private dentist as I got a voucher from QE2 dental Hospital early this morning when I was disgruntled as I thought my time had been wasted. I got a lovely young Muslim dentist right on Cav Rd near my house. So happy! She did an excellent job. I am actually lucky the hospital dentists were booked out. Life brings blessings in the midst of disaster.

Now off to Optometrist at 3.30pm. Then I will be able to rest.

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The lovely dentist said I have bad acid erosion from alcohol and soft drinks (hell, I don't drink That Much!) and from my medications. So I need to brush and floss more often and drink more water.

I have to go back to QE 2 for more build ups and a clean. I said I just had a clean a few months ago. So I guess my medications give me a dry (but witty!) mouth so yeah, more water! Less lollies and eat more fruit and vegetables.

I can tell by the amount of time I have needed work done on my teeth that my body is disintegrating. That and the bloody painful skin cancer excisions. So right now I am gonna eat some coconut oil as that stuff is good for your brain, teeth and metabolism!

Also lol, my nose feels like I have been punched in the face as it was the front tooth! Panadol later! At least I don't look like a desperate Hobo now. Even if I am one!

15 October 2014

6 hours sleep last night! Now fading fast as I await Crystal who is teaching an acting class. I feel like crawling into the back seat and just dying!

I had a lovely lunch with Melvyn then Crystal picked me up and we had afternoon tea and then she went to class and I looked around Paddington.

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On bus to meet Melvyn, my cousin, for lunch in Myer Centre. Been a while since we caught up.

It's a glorious day! My mowing man, John did the lawns this morning. Everything is perfect. Life is good.

15 October 2013

3.46 am. Beautiful night. I filled up the fishpond and was thrilled to see all 6 of them merrily spawning! If they don't eat all the eggs or live babies, there will be more fish.

Off to sleep now. Be up in a few hours as I still need to bury my beautiful Zulu.

15 October 2005

Update 15 October 2023: We broke up 5 years later (6 months after my mother’s death). 13 years later and I still haven’t found a man decent or honourable enough to choose me for a partner. It is what it is. I don’t miss him or his nasty friends.

I live my life alone and it gets fragile making sometimes, but it’s preferable to being with yet another abuser. It took me a long time to heal myself. A long long time.

Plenty of men piled on in the 5 years after that relationship failed. None of them loyal or true. So in 2015, back to celibacy and asexuality went I. I have to be the love I need. No one else was capable of it. Not ever.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons