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Memories: 22 April 2023

Little lady pistol threats, an old flame surfacing, sorting out my truest deepest love, moving onwards and upwards and far away from the emotional hell loops

By Tanya Arons Published 2 months ago 19 min read

22 April 2021

I slept until midday today. Felt exhausted. It’s a grey day anyway, perfect match for my mood.

I dragged the laptop out and am trying to sync iTunes as I suspect I will need a new iPhone as Apple won’t replace batteries on phones that have gotten wet.

I haven’t use my laptop in months. So now it has taken a long while to change passwords and even get into it.

I don’t feel particularly well but nothing I can put my finger on. Probably just tired from all the excitement and stress of learning new skills.

I definitely have some sort of learning disorder (Massive anxiety when trying anything new!) and it takes me longer to get my head around things. I used to be much sharper when I was young although I did used to disassociate a lot and teachers would think I was being some kind of recalcitrant arsehole! Perhaps I was! Especially when it came to maths!

I just finally unpacked the new sewing machine Lyn bought me. It will be perfect for mending things or doing hems and to learn on.

My microwave is making weird noises and smells like it’s about to burn so my next purchase will be another microwave. (Although I only ever use it for reheating food so perhaps I won’t bother with it!)

The whole atmosphere outside is like the earth is waiting to exhale. It’s very weird. Perhaps a storm is coming.

Today’s achievements: I changed both batteries on my car keys. Now they both work!

I drove to Birkdale and picked up some more flatware. Pretty EPNS pattern.

The woman was so kind and friendly she gave me the other small set she was selling for $40. She collects tea pots so I am going to give her my black Otagiri tea pot.

From comment section:

I drove to Birkdale to deliver the tea pot I promised. Then went to see my ancestral heebie jeebie ghouls at King island. I put up a prayer for protection from all three of those predators.

I don’t mind making jewellery or trying to make a bit of money if possible, but I don’t want it if it’s my mother’s evil energy.

Anyway on the walk back to Wellington Point the spirits reminded me that my mother robbed me of so very much…but ultimately my true wealth is spiritual and inside me and she was never able to take that!

I think it might have been my Pop as he reminded me of the land in Waiheke Island she basically stole from me as he had foolishly not put it in writing that he was leaving it to me!

She used the money from the sale of that land to buy old Mrs walkers house, then went on a world trip with Cees to America and Holland. Then when we migrated here sold both houses and put money into Cees house at Wellington Point. Always lying to my face that she would make sure I inherited via her.

Then after Cees died she became vicious beyond belief...sabotaged me and my relationships with everyone I knew. Then karma bit her arse when she married Buck and now his daughters have the bulk of my inheritance and here I am still struggling like an animal! Ffs!!!!

But I am determined to make something of my last vestiges of life. Even without a life partner, loving supportive family (what’s that?!) but I do have one daughter left and my gorgeous friends.

Pop wants me to dig deep inside my soul and produce my own spiritual gold. (He showed me himself dowsing for actual gold!). I had to laugh.

I have not been able to monetise my talents ever! So it’s a bit late now. Unless Pop hurls a huge gold nugget at my feet for me to fall on top of...I am fairly well fucking impoverished for life!

But I have wreaked miracles many times (like surviving my own suicide attempt...) so I have a feeling that the gods are preparing a few surprises for me before I permanently leave this mortal coil!

PS I am sooo tired.. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on!

22 April 2020

12:14 am. My grandfather I never met, Erich Karl Fritz Meyer’s Yahrzeit. He died of tuberculosis on this day in 1945. Two weeks before the war ended in Germany.

Oddly this evening I found some more of his family members on Ancestry and made the shocking discovery that he had been married before he married my grandmother Eva.

The same with my biological grandfather Anton Patula. Lustful bunch. Lmao! Although he never remarried after his second wife’s suicide. Instead he went on to create my mother Gisela with/for Eva and Erich Meyer.

Erich Meyer with my mother Gisela. She adored him. She described him as a “Gentleman”. A kind decent man.

I felt a lot of antipathy as he failed to protect Gisela from Eva’s constant beatings. (Although she was sent to live with her biological father twice during her childhood presumably to keep her safe!)

A true gentleman would have stopped Eva from beating her child almost every day.

So in that sense he was an Enabler of a highly abusive violent Narcopath which in turn created yet another narcopath and so on until someone breaks the chains that held us.

I ask the ancestors that Love me to allow me true Love in my life in all manifestations. True but not cloying or controlling . But a man who is capable of commitment. Not these fey dickheads that blow in and out of my life like fluffy dandelion blossoms. Pffft.

A truly gentle honourable solid partner.

Maybe next life, eh?!

1:30 pm. Back to bed I go. Feeling utterly drained. My eyes are burning.

I just had to clip Charlie’s wing. He flew across the entire garden! I can’t risk him going AWOL again.

I just saw a dragonfly in my garden. That is a lovely omen!


22 April 2019

3:09 pm finally awake. Ear sore, chest aches, feet sore. A bit woolly from Exhaustion from dancing. But glad to be alive, aware in my dream.

Charlie is glad to see me too. The dog needs a walk but it’s about to rain again. I just managed to get the washing off the line before the showers start up again.

Jarrod is not visiting today as he caught a nasty chest cold (probably from me) and has lost his voice and feels crap. I am so used to being sick that I just bulldoze myself through it but I did need more sleep today.

I had a weird and stressful dream about living in a village where everyone were building some sort of sniper or energy gun on the sides of hills. Each village had to wait for the separate components each week to build it.

They showed me a finished product and it just looked like a rifle surrounded by a bracket of some kind. They told me it was a force field and could be harnessed to bring energy to the local crops but yes, if necessary it had a laser and could kill also.

I said “why would you want to kill anyone when you live in such beauty and purity?!” The person just shrugged and said they hoped it did not come to that.

The surrounding environment was verdant and pristine and resonated so much peace. I got upset at the prospect of war. Especially an energy war. Conducted by ordinary untrained unprepared people. It seemed a little crazy.

So that was my brain defragging old traumas and trying to create new ways of existing in peace, knowing that it will take humans to change their mindsets to achieve it.

After I went back to sleep a few hours later, I had other dreams but I don’t remember them. My body is too intent on healing itself. But I am aware that I am not quite grounded in it anymore. No matter how much dancing, resting or walking barefoot I do.

Dealing with chronic ill health makes one rather absent from one’s corporeal sensibilities. But all good. On Saturday night I was Back and it was fairly awesome. Ok. Extremely awesome.

Last night I was much more subtle as I felt weaker. But I am glad I went out even though the vibe was off and there was much aggression on the dance floor which I had to tamp down twice. My feet hurt after a while and I was exhausted so I came home early.

Here comes the rain again, falling on my head like a mystery...

Happiness in my garden.

22 April 2018

Beauregard is not well. He ate a tiny piece of plastic I was unable to pry from his jaws. His tummy is making gurgling noises. I am gonna have to keep an eye on him and if no better take him to a vet.

Really worried but he seems ok so far. He has vomited a few times today but no blood. He has been resting most of the day.

Just had a call from Crystal. Apparently my nephew (by marriage and divorce!) and his wife have been trying to get in touch with me???? But when I tried to add them in Facebook it would not work and I don’t have their phone numbers so I just chalked the whole encounter up to superficial bullshit like I have experienced many times with people and wrote it all off.

But now I have given them my phone numbers. Let’s see what they want this time or if they get in contact. Seeing is believing! Whatever! Lol!

I have been burning the detritus from branches of trees that came down in the last storm a few weeks back. Now tired and reek of smoke. Feeling like I am achieving something. I need to pay a tree lopper to chop down half of the dying callistemon tree. I yanked off a few dead boughs but it’s a job too big for me.

The garden is looking good though.

Feeling a little strange in my head right now. This too shall pass... like a kidney stone. Giving birth to new paradigms inside me.

I am a little triggered by the sudden inexplicable attention of a former lover (after 5 years! Like wtf?!) and fully aware of a big deep stupendous love I still carry like an aborted foetus for another man I still periodically breathe life into. So yeah. Confused.

Confused but happy in my isolation and chosen celibacy. If I break down my walls and let him in, (my Beloved???) where will I be?

Fear of more rejection, betrayal, emotional/physical and even sexual misuse, abuse, debasement stymies me. Fear is not an emotion that comforts me although it helped me survive in many varied aspects of my life.

Time to throw myself over the mountain and fly like an eagle but my wings are crippled and torn and that nose-dive plummet to oblivion is a death dive I have bloodied my face on too many times, sacrificed to the dream of real authentic Love but shrouded in my victimhood I attracted only the very best, most pernicious and often vicious victims.

How will I know I have healed my life? When I stand in the sunshine with a good kind lover man by my side, happy, safe and comfortable in my own skin and sharing my skin and deepest recesses of body and soul with One who cherishes me.

Cherishes/nurtures/respects/honours and loves me.

The psychedelic dreamer dreams girlishly and foolishly and knows better. But She shuns the Knowing and swirls joyously into the Unknowable, the only One who has her Back (and Front!) That Trickster God that hurls knavish men at her feet then watches as she blesses or curses from her own heart and mind and laughs.

The laughter resonating in echoing chambers of eternity. Captured and canned to be trotted out for meritorious vainglorious entertainment.

I don’t know what to do or whom is authentic or trustworthy? Broken and replenished. Broken and fought for, this Soul, this woman’s shucked and shunned body. She is beautiful, joyous but so afraid and sometimes fierce!

So I will breathe and dance and sing my Soul home. Mama T and Miss Five and The Tanya know best. I am just a vessel for a greater consciousness that has used me for its own fickle fates.

Let them take the wheel as I cannot get off the bus, Gus or take up the slack, Jack and my price for my own freedom is too high. Far beyond rubies or my Rubenesque form or my famed Faery Queen moniker.

To whom do I Belong? Why, to my Self all along. Chosen then misbegotten. Picked up then discarded like a plastic toy choking a penguin somewhere.

We all live and die by our Choices. Some were easy and some were hard but I played by heart my own guiding swan song and no matter what two-bit players came to witness my passage on this planet, I existed.

With or without you. So here they come. Bring it. But leave your bullshit at the door and wipe your feet. My house is “Clean”.

I had an awesome day yesterday. Jenny, Beauregard and I visited Terina. I met Jenny on Opal street driving to my place as I was leaving to drive to Miss Tee’s so I invited her along. Terina gave Beauregard her much-coveted (even once-stolen out of her suitcase!) yellow socks. He was in Sock Heaven! We chatted and drank wine and ate donuts and were happy.

Later on Jenny and I went dancing at The Elephant where we felt safe and comfortable and Alter Egos played their harder rock music so the moshing thromping Diva Creature Tanya got to hurl herself into her trance-like oblivion on the dance floor.

We came home at 2 am as I wore myself out but it was worth it!! I had my epsom salt bath and watched an episode of “Psychedelica” on Gaia (whatever else would an exhausted but vibrant psychedelic dreamer choose to watch at 3 am. Lmao).

It was the final episode talking about how our brains manufacture DMT at death as a protective mechanism for our consciousness and also about how ritual dancing can help access that same state ie Sufi dancing or the Kalahari bushmen or tribal communal dancing all over the world.

Yeah baby! I have done much healing with my crazy maladapted dervishing lifestyle in the night for the past 7 years. Gained a lot of maladapted Haters but also some wonderful friends who support me in my reclamation of my mind/body/spirit complex. All very good.

The final message of that episode was to “go within” and be that expression that inspires/motivates/heals/nurtures/protects our world:Love.

My love is like a forest fire, raging out of control and human ken, burning brightly and fiercely as it has known the desecration of my personal boundaries and the violation of my body, mind and spirit. But my love also smoulders in deep nourishing earth, kept alive by ancient embers that glow and wait patiently to burst back into full vibrancy.

My love is an eternal flame that cannot be consumed by earthly fires for it is spiritual and conscious and perfection, even amidst the horrific degradation of my body and my soul’s arduous journey to healing and repairing it’s perfect imperfections.

Thank you God/Goddess/Life for the Love I receive from my precious Soul Kin, from this Earth and from forces unseen whose works are manifested every day.

I love you.

22 April 2017

Another night dancing to destress from a rather weird and perturbing week. Jenny and Karen and I had a blast. Now soaking in a hot bath with Beauregard waiting patiently for me to get to bed so he can snuggle up to De Mama.

22 April 2016

Bobo just savagely bit my hand as I was trying to clip his nails. Little brat!

Just bollocked the hell out of Housing Maintenance after being treated like scum by one of their call centre consultants. Then gave them a list of jobs that need fixing at my house.

I even mentioned my house needs painting (been lying low on that one as my house is packed to the gills with stuff but at least they could paint the outside?)

So now a plumber is arriving soon to check out the leak in the drain. A carpenter is coming next week to replace the falling rotting eaves.

Hopefully they bring good quality top soil for the erosion on the side of the house. A gas fitter ordered to fix temperature gauge on oven.

They are even going to fix the window in the door they gave me attitude about. Hmmm!

Now I have to try to settle my nerves as having to fight for every thing is going to give me a stroke.

I am sitting in my wonderful garden, listening to my tinkling fountains, breathing and enjoying the remains of the afternoon.

Oh look! Glazier is back. Driving past my house, bless him! Hahaha!

Plumber been and gone. Fixed blockage. Glazier sitting outside in his truck. So when he can be bothered, window will be fixed. Landscapers coming Tuesday. Builders coming Tuesday. Hopefully new mower man will arrive on Tuesday.

Oops glazier just drove off without coming to house. Hmmm!

My front tyre is flat again. It will need replacing as I put air in it last night and got home. That will have to wait until Tuesday too and will involve some creative juggling as I have electricity and gas to pay as well.

So buses for me this weekend if I decide to go out at all.

But at least Housing came straight out to fix the issues I reported. After I lost my temper at the Supervisor about the horribly rude staff member he has. It would be nice not to have to be treated like a leper so one does not have to lose one's cool.

Window fixed. Very good. Now to wait on builders and landscapers and gas man to fix oven.

Next job. I need to buy pool salt and lots of vinegar as I am going to poison the long clumpy Miller grass all over my yard. It gets too unmanageable for mowing!

All my favourite Rock/Pop stars are dying like flies. I never got to go to any of their concerts. Except maybe almost David Bowie's after I walked out of the house in the hills of Brooklyn after I insisted my husband change his very first nappy and walked along the hills overlooking Basin Reserve and could hear his concert echoing clear up to my ears. Such a wonderful surprise. Almost like being there.

Just gobbled down pasta with pesto sauce. Anxiety through the roof. No money. Tyre flat.

So I will be staying home tonight. I used my excess nervous energy (blame the full moon!) to strip my bed of my mattress topper, doona. Washed both of them. (Bobo peed on my bed). Mattress topper still soaking in the bath. I have washed it 3 times. Doona on line. Hopefully we get a few more warming sunny days so I can get it dry.

I also did several more loads of washing while the glazier was here. House getting sorted. Dishes done. My bed made with fresh linen but I will miss the feather topper this week as my mattress doesn't support my back enough.

Tuesday, payday I have worked out my budget so next fortnight will be hard yakka too. Not enough money for food after paying off bills. But I will see how I go.

Reminder to breathe, Tanya!

My advance is due mid-may so that will get me out of the financial shit. At least then I can get the car serviced.

Chag Pesach Sameach! Happy Passover! May the Holy Light from Above envelope you in freedom from Oppression, Peace and Eternal Love. May all who are suffering find redemption, abundance, prosperity, wisdom, kindness, good health and a full and happy life.

Home from a lovely visit with Lyn and Puppy. My puppy Beauregard drove old Puppy out of her geriatric canine mind so we went down the back for our regular full moon fireside chat by her chimenea. Lyn made me a fluffy duck and bought me lemon chicken and coconut rice for dinner.

We had a lovely time by the fire, listening to her new neighbour Kahl singing karaoke in his purpose-built shed. It was actually very pleasant, in spite of the fact he has not sound-proofed his shed yet.

I had to put Bobo on a leash as he loves Lyn's acreage and went toad-spotting (licking). So after a while we got worried he might lick one or get poisoned. So after that he reluctantly and soberly curled up under Lyn's chair and snoozed.

Lyn also gave me a Weis Mango bar and a Turkish delight. Totally spoils me!

My back tyre is still leaking air really bad so I will have to buy a new one on Tuesday or get it patched. Bloody thing was flat when I went to leave for Lyn's so I went to the Servo and put air but it is leaking faster now. Dammit. Glad I made it to Lyn's and back home again as we had a lovely evening.

22 April 2012

hurt hurt hurt hurt, despairing, almost shot to pieces, but not Dead Yet! Ha. Insulted, revolted, outraged, ropable, but glad it happened cos I know there are no Real Men Anywhere, only boys with very very very small guns.

Not One Man is Man enough to stand up for me, or stand by me...which proves to me that I am too much Woman for them and the Man inside of me is too much Man for them as well. It's a pity really, as no man is an island but I'll have to be my own Rock and my own Island, Alone but Clearheaded and Free of Bullshit!

Woooohoooo this little Freedom Fighter is Ready to Roll, and I am looking forward to a new life without evil nasty crap in it....or I will Die trying.

Update 22 April 2022:

Written the morning after I was threatened with a teeny tiny lady pistol. So tiny it could fit in an evening bag. But it was a real gun and loaded and they threatened to shoot me “in the arm” so another “club” that would not have me as a “member”. No great loss.

As usual I held my own and talked the situation down, but I had serious protection in a weird way from the very big maori “security” of the President of that club, who was not present that night and had no idea the young guard decided to threaten me to exclude me.

Oh well, shit happens. I left that club and kept dancing at the casino instead. No one stops me from enjoying my life fully, vibrantly and vaingloriously.

Not former murderous Jewish lovers. And certainly not the opposite of the Venn diagram of Tanya haters, young gronking neonazis. I have survived everything the gods and life threw at me. (Albeit not without cptsd issues!)

22 April 2011

Spent the day helping Crystal move house. Which is weird considering last night's events. Oh well, I've done what I can as a mother. The rest is ....whatever!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons


About the Creator

Tanya Arons

I write about my life experiences. I write about complex ptsd, the agonies, the angst and my post traumatic growth. About Beauty, Truth and Honour and little vignettes of comfort from the spirits that love me: living and dead. I also Dance!

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