If you see a Rat get the Rat but what if I am the rat.
The things we do for money. Luckily I love dressing up but this paying gig was something out of a cheap Adam Sandler comedy movie where the main character begins to question his life choices. I think I was tested heavily that day because it was quite honestly one of the oddest days of my life. I barely escaped the rat chase and now I am happy to tell you this heart wrenching story.
During my first year in San Francisco, I started doing random promo gigs and sometimes mascot gigs. I found a well paying gig on Craigslist, which involved wearing a cheap Halloween Store brand rat suit. This costume was as cheap as it gets, it didn't even have a rat mask.
When I showed up for my dress rehearsal, poor intern girl Debby was given the assignment to dress me and another gentleman who was also hired to be a rat. The young girl was barely out of college, already looked exhausted and that was before she even tried helping us. She was also instructed to stuff our thighs for whatever reason. She gave 110 % on stuffing us.
Me and my fellow rat brother did not say a single word to each other. I had the attitude of a happy go lucky kid who was about to experience something magical. Meanwhile Mr. Rat 2 had the attitude of a seasoned vet and this wasn’t his first rodeo. He later did tell me he was hungover and the whole thing was a bler to him. I wish it was a bler for me too.
The event was held at the five star Marriott Hotel in San Francisco, you would think they could have afforded a better rat suit. I found out that this was a fundraiser for a pharmaceutical company. The keynote speakers rehearsing their lines quickly got the cat out of a hat(pun intended). Where does my ratness come in? Well I'll tell ya. The rival company had a similar product but its side effect could cause bloated thighs. "Also if the competitors are snooping and you see those rats! You get those rats!"
I repeat, “If the competitors are snooping and you see …” The next day those were my and fellow rat's (whose name is Fernando), big lines to run out to, in front of the stage and 200 well dressed adults. The keynote speaker delivered her lines perfectly. And we both ran out. Rat Fernando made it out perfectly, but when it came to me the keynote speaker was really feeling it.
So she jumped on my back from the stage like a wrestler jumping high ropes. My pants were already falling down from fat thighs and a cheap costume. To make things more interesting my butt eventually made its best Mrs. Doubtfire impression and popped out to say "Hellllloooo!" This costume was terrible, everyone could see my shocked face. I couldn't even hide my shame.
As this psycho lady was strapped to my back and screaming, "get the rat", I slowly made my way towards the exit as the most pathetic, ass dragging rat you will ever see. My Ukrainian mother would be so proud of me if she witnessed this. But then again she would always tell the Middle School and later the High Principle in her broken English, “my son is a Jim Carrey that why he get in trouble”. She got called in a lot regarding my clownish behavior.
Luckily that night and like many other nights in my oddball life. I reminded myself that I am shameless. So I got my 300 bucks and left. Ok, I lied. I came back to eat the free food provided, and then I ran off with my tail between my legs.
I don't know how successful the event truly was and never learned whether anyone invested in that drug. I can tell you one thing for sure, it was an odd experience, but then I am an odd guy. I went on to do countless other mascot gigs, but never again did I take a gig wearing a cheap rat suit. This story was sponsored by Walgreens, please talk to your doctor and local pharmacist if Ropinirole is right for you.