The Rich Life of Crashing Parties with Jerry Rice and Will Smith

This is indeed a picture of me, a simple little goofball standing next to arguably the best WR to ever play the game Mr. Jerry Rice. This was a special event just for him. A Jerry Rice retirement party. A single ticket cost about 800 dollars. Did I pay? No? Did I sneak in? Sorta, I was coached on how to professionally "crash" this party.

During that period in my life I had no business being at events with Sofia Vergara and getting caught looking at her cleavage (I was 21 and also Sofia Vergara!) No business being at events attended by George Lucas and so on and so on. I had no business being at events and eating free caviar and lamb ribs off the tray while walking around with a fake journalist's batches.

It happened during the Summer of 2007 when I moved to San Francisco from Swampscott MA. Walking down my street a loud gentleman asked me to help him push his classic fire bird up his driveway, it was a process. But I was happy to help. I also didn't have any friends yet. Didn't know anyone and was a new guy to the city by the baby.

His name was Rex and he was loud, obnoxious and overly confident. He reminded me of an LA crazy actor caricature. But I was intrigued by this mouth breather who was easily in his early 50s but told me he is 40. He invited me up to his place to show me something special, his words (not his dck assholes). It was a fat stack of papers all documenting his wild life.

Rex started going off about crashing the Playboy Mansion 10 times and how Huff was his buddy. He talked about crashing the Oscars and so on and so on. He naturally offered me a role in his mystery movie for a fee of 5K. The usual crazy LA stuff you hear stories about but this was in San Francisco. How the Fck did he end up here I asked him.

My new friend was breaking up his Columbian cocaine and was about to talk even faster. He was crashing with his lawyer Bob. Poor Bob, think Droopy but slightly less cute. Lawyer why? Well Rex or Mr. Rex Regional once pitched a movie idea to New Line Cinema, a movie about his wild partying, events, premiers and Wedding crashing days.

Are you starting to get an odd picture here? New Line absolutely loved the idea but hated the idea of dealing with Rex Regional. I don't blame them, he was a handful but was quite the talker. I don't even know if that was his real name. I don't blame them for breaking him off. They even offered him one Million for the idea. But he wanted a bigger piece of the pie. The Wedding Crashers eventually cashed in at 288.5 million at the Box Office and Rex wanted at least half of it.

Rex was a mad man and not the keenest of souls so I don't feel bad for him. My last event that I crashed with Rex, fortunately for me he got kicked out. The event organizers recognized him from other events that they helped create and politely asked him to leave. He of course caused a scene and they called the cops.

I didn't stand too close to him as he was being wheeled away like Hannibal Lector. Moments later I simply snuck past two tree size guardsmen like a sly fox and got to meet one of my heroes, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Will Smith at the premier of Pursuit of Happyness in San Francisco CA. It was awesome.

Faking a phone conversation as you pretend to walk back inside the party. Fooling the guards was risky so I had to commit. Putting on blazers and then taking them off once inside the gala felt like I was an agent. Calling up the Activities Directors and letting them know I was a reporter from Ohio, was pure acting. Weaseling by guards who were paid to keep guys like me out was pure joy. But it wasn't my life and I knew it.

I parted ways with Rex a long time ago at least once he got me involved with the underground Chinese mafia and I really wasn't trying to go any deeper. P.s sweatshops in SF Chinatown do exist. But don't go looking so you don't go missing.

Oh what fun risky times they were for me. I feel better these days about who I choose to be around. The glamor parties and fancy food will always be an attraction but there is something about knowing that you belong and didn't have to commit a crime by sneaking in.