H.

Most of my life has been one big social shock. Its never really easy fitting in...well for me anyways. I seem to be a drifter mostly, but from time to time I find family along the way. As the years flown by each interaction made seems to have more meaning behind it, and for the last 6 years of my life its had none. Its like I froze, and stopped being me for 6 long depressing years. Oh well, I thought just a mere infraction for how ever long this insane journey will be, and now that I have passion for life once again; control is taken back. I have pain just like others, and sometimes choices are made on how to deal with said pain. Rather it be spiritual, emotional, cerebral, or physical pain. I can not remember clearly what possessed me to try heroin for first time, but this one choice led me to discover what the actual disease of addiction done to me.

I can say the entire world is addicted to something, either it be a shopping, social media, junk food, or drug addiction its there believe me. We are only human with our complex biochemistry, hormones, and such. If we only focused on self care, and getting in tune with our body, spirt, and mind. The peace that comes with it is very rewarding. Anyways...got off topic a little bit, but in order to understand me, and my overly chaotic way of thinking I do this to spread harm reduction, and to give the best detailed stories I can. Looking at all perspectives perceptively with an open mind is very tough for some, but comes naturally to me. I guess someone could say that making the choice to bang Horse A.K.A (TRAIN, JUNK, BOI, DOG FOOD, & MANY MORE) is a very poor decision in fact so poor only a fool can say yes to that, and maybe so.

In my early stages of abuse it was simply because of the science and chemistry of the opiate compound. Other natural pain releveling plants like Lactuca Virosa common name Wild lettuce was a delight to experiment, but moderation is key. If something is done to much it can be a bad thing, and during my early stages I was to blind to see differently. Once my addiction snow balled, and I was dependent on this demonized, stigmatized substance I felt defeated. I was never strung out, but to get through my day to day I needed a dose of that Dog Food (yuck). It would last me 12-18 hours given the quality, but given the dangers of street drugs just because someone says its Heroin doesn't mean it is. I encourage testing with re agents if you are struggling like I used to, but really treatment is the best option I promise. Its like playing Russian Roulette with these drugs....Fentanyl which is 50-100xs more potent than H, and carfentanyl which can be 10,000 times more potent than Fentanyl. Its truly terrifying to think at one point I was careless enough to bang any powder anytime I bought from my dealers; as ignorant as that is I eventually changed and starting growing my own.

I moved in with a friend from Canada for 3 years before returning back to the States. He grew his own poppy somniferous which was cultivated into a morphine crystalline substance, and for 3 long years I worked the farm, and had a daily does of this substance. the purity was outstanding, and obviously superior to anything I was getting prior. Now at the 5 year mark 2 years in the states and then another 3 in Canada positions me for the catalytic failure impending to happen. Memory fails me here, because time was simple, but I was froze during this point. just working, and maintaining a fix was the only thing I did for 3 straight years. shut off to the world outside. Reconnecting to a former love is was ultimately led me moving back to the states, Virgina to be exact. I was born in a small mountain town, name not important, but this is the final year of my dependency, and the start of a new chapter.

Upon my arrival to my hometown I made a pact with my reconnected lover. Eventually after spending 9 years together before my dependency; we decided to get engaged. Coming up on the 6th year of addiction now, and I am living with my Fiancé bouncing back and fourth from her parents, and relatives to mine. We was both in it heavy, and had so much work to do with our lives. We pushed each other to get better and to be the best we could, but heavy does addiction lay on the shoulders. Pushing me down, and our relationship. A couple addicted is never a good thing, we both tried so hard, but in the end I had to bare loosing my love. Finding her lifeless body was my world ripping out of existence. I never thought this could happen to her, or me... that is as real as it can get. How I wish it would of been me though, I miss her, and to this day I still do not feel right inside. I keep going because of her, but I feel so lonely, and want to return to old habits, but my internal discipline, and heartache remind me of what it took from me, and her family, I never want to loose my self like that, but the lost I feel now is still unforgiving in nature, but eventually I will understand. I can only be better even if shame and guilt fill my soul. Life wont be the same without her, and I will not be the same in this life. I am just trying to make the best of what time I have left on this planet. Rather I fit in or not I am here for anyone that needs a listening ear.

In memory of my BeccaBear-2020 I miss you everyday.. It was hard writing this.

sorry for any typos or mistakes. I write from the heart.