The Best Bad Roommate Ever

"Dude, sorry I took your weed.

I needed it to self-medicate the depression I developed when I got dumped by that girl you had a crush on.

Bro, what can I say, she was into me bro, and you said it was cool.

Sorry about that too.

I think she might have dumped me because I do things like pee myself at 3 in the morning in the passenger seat of your car, while you chauffer the drunkies around.

Sorry about that too...

At least I cleaned it up for you, right?

Dude, I was practically comatose. All that weed makes me braindead. You can't hold that against me, right?

I'll make sure it doesn't still smell the next time we go to the grocery store. By the way, I need to go soon. I'm running out of food.

Also, Leon used our last jug of water on his closet moonshine homebrew. He says he's really close to making real moonshine. Sorry your friend found it and thought it was a meth lab. People are so uptight these days. They watch too much tv. If it isn't violent, they're all on drugs.

Oh, speaking of which, sorry about those times I threatened to kill you. I think the television might be affecting me a bit too. I've been watching all those dramas since Leon hooked up his gaming laptop as a pirated video bank.

Did you ever pay him back after we spilled beer on that laptop?

Bro I don't understand why he's so upset. The laptop works, he only had to use like a couple pounds of rice to dry it out.

I paid for the Captain Morgan bong, and I don't get mad when people use that. Even when you fall asleep with it on the couch!

Bro I showed everybody that picture of you asleep on the couch, it's hilarious! You've got a pot of beans in your lap!

Zahra liked the picture so much that she asked if she could live with us.

I told her it'd be cool as long as she only has sex with her boyfriends in the backroom. She's been doing that escort thing for a while. I really don't want to meet those guys. Do you think it'd be awkward if I slept with her? I'm already feeling kinda awkward about dating Hazel since she used to date Julius. But hey, Julius doesn't move back in for another month anyway.

Are Zahra and Hazel still friends?

I kinda want to have a threesome with them.

Of course, Tam and I broke up pretty soon after Lara said she wanted to give me head, so maybe I should play it cool. Why do girls complain about slut shaming then freak out when you wanna explore? Seems like a double standard, doesn't it?

By the way, you need to do some dishes bro. The sink is still full from my party two nights ago. I'm still trying to learn this Modest Mouse song. Leon got pissed when I was playing it after midnight the other night, so I need to get some practice in now before he goes to bed.

Bro, your taste in music is pretty good, but it'd be better if you listened to Modest Mouse.

Oh also, the cops told us that they're gonna fine our landlords if they come out for another noise complaint, so I need to play guitar before it gets too late.

Thanks for understanding, bro.

I'll pay you back really soon for the rent you spotted me last month. My dad's been a dick lately about sending me checks. He's so damn selfish sometimes."