Sarcasm
Nice Guys Finish Fifth, Sixth, and Seventh in Local Marathon
Each year since the inception of the local marathon nice guys, the brothers Tod and Ted Stephens, along with friend Jim Thorne, had finished last. Most had speculated that this year would be no different. Today, the Stephens brothers and Mr. Thorne proved the haters and doubters wrong, finishing fifth, sixth, and seventh respectively. A visibly tired, heavily sweat pit stained, but still smiling Ted Stephens said the following about the nice guy trios historic result. "I am just so gosh darned pleased with my performance, and especially that of my brother Tod and old college roomie Jim. With this finish under my belt maybe Cherry (Tims) will finally go on an actual date with me and agree to that candlelight dinner at Chez Rouzeau I have been asking her about for years. Assuming she says yes, I might be given the opportunity to patiently lay the groundwork for a long term relationship by listening intently and responding with genuine warmth and caring as she talks about the horrible day she had at the shoe factory where she works. This would be in contrast to our other 'dates' which have mostly been us meeting at the local Denny's and splitting a Moons over My Hammy for breakfast, as I listen intently and respond with genuine warmth and caring as she talks about the terrible day she had at the shoe factory. Those are really a waste of mine and her time. Although, she really does need a good shoulder to cry on, and, I am a really good listener. I guess it's not so bad. Eventually she will have to tire of empty passionate sex with various members of the high school football team. I can give her so much more than that. Except for the sex part, I can only handle so much of that until I get really tired and sleepy."
By Everyday Junglist3 years ago in Humor
Doomsday Peppers Prepare for the Apocalypse
Doomsday peppers the world over are busy preparing for the Ripeture, the event which is said to foretell the coming apocalypse. According to the peppers when the Ripeture happens all good peppers will suddenly disappear leaving only their neatly folded husks behind. The non-peppers unfortunate enough to be left behind will be forced to spend their remaining days fighting to survive in a hellish nightmarescape of death and destruction. Stuck hanging on their shrubs as they slowly rot from radiation exposure or die from dehyrdation due to lack of available clean drinking water. A leader of the local pepper movement in Sinaloa, Mexico, Pablo Ano said the following in a prepared statement. "All good peppers must prepare now for the Ripeture. It will come suddenly and without warning. Those sinful peppers who do not believe in our great leader Dr. Pepper, blessed by the holy ghost, will be left behind to rot. Those non believers will never gain entry to the heavenly garden of eden where peppers of all varieties live forever in paradise." According to pepper lore the garden of eden has soil so rich all peppers can live for eternity without any need for fertilizer, inseticides, or replanting. In fact, it is believed that no insects are allowed in the garden lest they disturb the holy peppers planted there.
By Everyday Junglist3 years ago in Humor
Local IT Manager Hires Hollywood Production Company to Create Content for Anti-Phishing Campaign
Local IT manager of Openz Industries, Ted Stephens, announced today that he had hired a Hollywood production company to create content for an anti-phishing campaign aimed at rank and file employees. Openz is a global leader in the manufacturing and distribution of automatic garage door opener remote controls and provides remotes for all of the leading automatic garage door manufacturers world-wide. The company has recently been hit with a spate of phishing attacks and employees have been easily fooled by fake emails exposing valuable company data to hackers intent on using the data to extort Openz or its customers for large sums of money. Specifically the hackers are believed to be targeting Openz' database of garage door opener codes. If those codes were compromised it would cripple Openz and possibly put hundreds of thousands of garage door opener remote control users at increased risk of break in. The previous attacks used fake emails that appeared to be coming from Openz corporate headquarters in Pittsburg, PA, and informed employees that they needed to update their user names and passwords as the company would soon be transitioning to new customer and pricing management software. The emails instructed the employees to click on a link which led to a fake website where they were then asked to input their current user names and passwords and asked several personal identifier questions during which many employees freely gave up their social security numbers, home addresses, personal cell phone numbers, and even detailed information on the whereabous of their sons, daughters, husbands, and wives. In the first atttack some 72% of employees fell for the scam. That number dropped to 40% for the second attack, but that second attack also saw several senior executive sduped. Mr Stephens said of the phishing attackss "While it is true that 40% of our employees were completely tricked by the fake emails and foolishly surrendered personal and confidential information, that leaves 60% who were not fooled. Those 60% need to fully understand the seriousness of the threat we face. They may have sniffed out the first wave of phising attacks fairly easily, but let's see how they do when Hollywood production company New Wave Entertainment steps up to the plate."
By Everyday Junglist3 years ago in Humor
Harlequinade. Top Story - October 2023.
Dear Sweet Looney Partner, With Halloween around the corner, you would expect a spooky story from me. Let me surprise you with a funny story instead! Heads up, please don’t read this while drinking anything. I’m not responsible if you shoot fluid out of your nose or mouth. Let me take you back to when I was four years old. My parents brought me to the airport because someone was going somewhere or maybe someone was arriving from somewhere. Don’t know, don’t care. My parents were busy talking to the other adults, whoever they were. I was left unsupervised but I was too afraid to leave my parents’ side, so I let my eyes wander. They wandered far and wide until they landed on a very cute boy. He seemed to be around my age. He held a packet of potato chips in his hand. I was mesmerized watching him stylishly bring one chip after another to his mouth with his other hand. I surveyed the adults around him. They too were engaged in conversation. All I needed to know was that he was unsupervised as well. I gave my parents one last look before leaving their side. I was careful not to make any sudden movement to prevent the boy from getting scared of me and I didn’t want my parents to know that I was sneaking away. Finally, I was right in front of him. He stopped eating and smiled at me. I smiled back at him. My smile then evolved into a grin and he followed suit. I slowly brought my right hand to his left cheek and caressed it. He just stood there rigid and wide-eyed, confused at what was going on. I caressed his cheek a little while longer. I kept watching his eyes, bidding my time and it finally came when he closed his eyes a little too long before opening them up again. SMACK! That fool almost fell as an aftermath of my slap. I then pried the packet of potato chips out of his hands and bolted. I had a head start because it took him a few seconds to realize what had happened before he started chasing me while crying loudly. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha, what a loser! His howls alerted all the adults around us because this boy was LOUD! See, this was the flaw in my plan. My undoing. I should have threatened him to keep quiet or lured him somewhere isolated. But I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I was just four and didn’t have much experience in scheming. Oh yes, back to the story. His parents were chasing him and mine were chasing me in the middle of a busy airport. Finally, my parents caught me and snatched the potato chips out of my hands. The boy’s parents were trying to calm him down but to no avail. He only stopped when he got back his potato chips. My parents then apologized to him and his parents and made me do it too. I know, the audacity ! Now you’re probably wondering what happened to me after that. Nothing much at the airport but after we got back home, I got spanked so hard! No worries, it didn’t stop me from committing other mischievous deeds but that’s a story for another letter. I know you’ve been going through a tough time and I hope my story made you smile. Sincerely, The-Boy-Slapping-and-Potato-Chip-Stealing Thief ~~~~~ Author’s Notes: Yes, this was based on true events! 🤣 This was written for Heather Hubler’s Write Me A Letter Challenge . Surprisingly, as per the rules, I actually used all 26 letters of the alphabet!
By Dharrsheena Raja Segarran3 years ago in Humor
Comedy Nights. Content Warning.
Every Thursday evening in the lively town of Merrimentville, the local community center underwent a magical transformation. What was typically a plain, multipurpose room became a hub of laughter and entertainment known as "Comedy Nights." These weekly gatherings were a much-anticipated event, a time when the townsfolk set aside their daily concerns to bask in the joy of comedy.
By Rajesh kumar 3 years ago in Humor
Laughing All the Way
Once upon a time, in the quaint little town of Chuckleville, there lived a man named Bob who had an unusual predicament. You see, Bob couldn't stop laughing. It wasn't a sporadic chuckle or a polite giggle; it was hearty, infectious laughter that erupted at the most unexpected moments. His laughter was so contagious that even the grumpiest of folks couldn't help but crack a smile in his presence.
By Rajesh kumar 3 years ago in Humor
Love, Lies, and Laughter: The Chronicles of a Cheater Girlfriend
In a society where love is meant to be a holy alliance based on devotion and trust, there is a kind of con artists that take great pleasure in playing the hearts of the gullible. Allow me to present to you the all too familiar and regrettably unforgettable Cheater Girlfriend, sadly one of the chapter of my life.
By Ronish Nakarmi3 years ago in Humor
Local Author Struggles to Determine if Satire or Satirical Best Tag for His Humorous Vocal Story
Local author, Daniel R. DeMarco, Ph.D. struggled Saturday to determine if he should append the tag "satire" or "satirical" to his story Argan Oil Chronicles Part VI - Yep, You Read That Right, Part Six. Unless You Can't Read Roman Numerals In Which Case You Did Not Read That Right. In Any Case This is the Last One. For Now. Dr. DeMarco said the following in a written statement explaining his confusion. "Anyone who reads any of my stuff, which currently sits at around 10 or so people per month, knows how passionate I am about precision in language. This applies to all aspects of my writing, including so called 'tag' selection. I say so-called because on every other website, and by standard convention, what Vocal calls a 'tag', everyone else calls a keyword. I guess the editors at Vocal felt that if they called them keywords that would imply they were actually findable using common search engines like Gooogle.com. Instead they can only be 'found' using the internal Vocal site search engine which absolutely freakin sucks by the way. In any case, when I publish a story to a given community, I want the tags I select to accurately reflect the content of said story. Is it weird that I throw up in my mouth a little bit everytime I type or say the word community? That's exactly how cheesy and stupid the entire idea of communities actually is. So stupid that I throw up in my mouth even thinking about it. Weird, right? Or, maybe it is the concept of community in a general sense that I find so distressing. Similar to the concept of sharing, it feels like a slippery slope to communism to me, but I digress. I recently pulled together the sixth and final part of the series collecting my most popular and hilarious stories featuring argan oil and was in the process of publishing it in the Humor community when I encountered the head scratching conundrum of whether to choose satire or satirical as a tag.
By Everyday Junglist3 years ago in Humor
Up to 5 Million Doomsday Preppers Suddenly Disappear
Bunkers across the Country Empty, Gun and Gas Mask Sellers Predict Catastrophe In a mysterious occurrence like nothing the world has ever seen up to five million people, all part of the so called ‘preppers’ movement, have suddenly disappeared, leaving nothing but their neatly folded clothing behind. Many non-preppers who were left behind were suggesting that the Biblical end time known as the rapture had come. Local pastor Tim Stephens said in an interview “There can be no doubt that the rapture has indeed come though it has taken a form few had predicted. Instead of taking all the holy and believers in God up to heaven and leaving behind the sinful to fight to the death in a hellish afterscape where only the strongest and most well prepared would survive, it took all of the people who were the most well prepared to survive that nightmare world of death and destruction. What will become of those like us who were left behind now that the preppers are gone? I surely can’t say?” As of 1pm EST the day after the so called prepper rapture the world had declared an end to all wars for all time and began preparing for a utopian future without discord or strife.
By Everyday Junglist3 years ago in Humor
