General
Nice Guys Finish Fifth, Sixth, and Seventh in Local Marathon
Each year since the inception of the local marathon nice guys, the brothers Tod and Ted Stephens, along with friend Jim Thorne, had finished last. Most had speculated that this year would be no different. Today, the Stephens brothers and Mr. Thorne proved the haters and doubters wrong, finishing fifth, sixth, and seventh respectively. A visibly tired, heavily sweat pit stained, but still smiling Ted Stephens said the following about the nice guy trios historic result. "I am just so gosh darned pleased with my performance, and especially that of my brother Tod and old college roomie Jim. With this finish under my belt maybe Cherry (Tims) will finally go on an actual date with me and agree to that candlelight dinner at Chez Rouzeau I have been asking her about for years. Assuming she says yes, I might be given the opportunity to patiently lay the groundwork for a long term relationship by listening intently and responding with genuine warmth and caring as she talks about the horrible day she had at the shoe factory where she works. This would be in contrast to our other 'dates' which have mostly been us meeting at the local Denny's and splitting a Moons over My Hammy for breakfast, as I listen intently and respond with genuine warmth and caring as she talks about the terrible day she had at the shoe factory. Those are really a waste of mine and her time. Although, she really does need a good shoulder to cry on, and, I am a really good listener. I guess it's not so bad. Eventually she will have to tire of empty passionate sex with various members of the high school football team. I can give her so much more than that. Except for the sex part, I can only handle so much of that until I get really tired and sleepy."
By Everyday Junglist3 years ago in Humor
Milky Mayhem on the BUS: When a Nursing Baby and a Lactose-Intolerant Passenger Collide
On a typical day in the bustling city, a man named Jerry found himself on a bus heading to his hometown. He had a window seat, which he considered a stroke of luck, and he was excited about the trip. Little did he know that the journey would take an unexpected turn thanks to the young and beautiful mother seated next to him.
By Jointdfw 793 years ago in Humor
COVID 19
COVID-19 pandemic is the greatest communicable disease outbreak to have hit Malaysia since the 1918 Spanish Flu which killed 34,644 people or 1% of the population of the then British Malaya. In 1999, the Nipah virus outbreak killed 105 Malaysians, while the SARS outbreak of 2003 claimed only 2 lives. The ongoing COVID-19 pandemic has so far claimed over 100 Malaysian lives. There were two waves of the COVID-19 cases in Malaysia. First wave of 22 cases occurred from January 25 to February 15 with no death and full recovery of all cases. The ongoing second wave, which commenced on February 27, presented cases in several clusters, the biggest of which was the Sri Petaling Tabligh cluster with an infection rate of 6.5%, and making up 47% of all cases in Malaysia. Subsequently, other clusters appeared from local mass gatherings and imported cases of Malaysians returning from overseas. Healthcare workers carry high risks of infection due to the daily exposure and management of COVID-19 in the hospitals. However, 70% of them were infected through community transmission and not while handling patients. In vulnerable groups, the incidence of COVID-19 cases was highest among the age group 55 to 64 years. In terms of fatalities, 63% were reported to be aged above 60 years, and 81% had chronic comorbidities such as diabetes, hypertension, and heart diseases. The predominant COVID-19 strain in Malaysia is strain B, which is found exclusively in East Asia. However, strain A, which is mostly found in the USA and Australia, and strain C in Europe were also present. To contain the epidemic, Malaysia implemented a Movement Control Order (MCO) beginning on March 18 in 4 phases over 2 months, ending on May 12. In terms of economic impacts, Malaysia lost RM2.4 billion a day during the MCO period, with an accumulated loss of RM63 billion up to the end of April. Since May 4, Malaysia has relaxed the MCO and opened up its economic sector to relieve its economic burden. Currently, the best approach to achieving herd immunity to COVID-19 is through vaccination rather than by acquiring it naturally. There are at least two candidate vaccines which have reached the final stage of human clinical trials. Malaysia's COVID-19 case fatality rate is lower than what it is globally; this is due to the successful implementation of early preparedness and planning, the public health and hospital system, comprehensive contact tracing, active case detection, and a strict enhanced MCO.
By Raylens Raibin3 years ago in Humor
Oops!
There are no words in the English language more terrifying than oops, damn, and oh crap. Simple paltry words, true, but they can strike terror in a person when spoken in the wrong setting. Every time I look in the mirror, each of those words haunts me. If you have a little time, I’ll be happy to explain.
By Mark Gagnon3 years ago in Humor
Local IT Manager Hires Hollywood Production Company to Create Content for Anti-Phishing Campaign
Local IT manager of Openz Industries, Ted Stephens, announced today that he had hired a Hollywood production company to create content for an anti-phishing campaign aimed at rank and file employees. Openz is a global leader in the manufacturing and distribution of automatic garage door opener remote controls and provides remotes for all of the leading automatic garage door manufacturers world-wide. The company has recently been hit with a spate of phishing attacks and employees have been easily fooled by fake emails exposing valuable company data to hackers intent on using the data to extort Openz or its customers for large sums of money. Specifically the hackers are believed to be targeting Openz' database of garage door opener codes. If those codes were compromised it would cripple Openz and possibly put hundreds of thousands of garage door opener remote control users at increased risk of break in. The previous attacks used fake emails that appeared to be coming from Openz corporate headquarters in Pittsburg, PA, and informed employees that they needed to update their user names and passwords as the company would soon be transitioning to new customer and pricing management software. The emails instructed the employees to click on a link which led to a fake website where they were then asked to input their current user names and passwords and asked several personal identifier questions during which many employees freely gave up their social security numbers, home addresses, personal cell phone numbers, and even detailed information on the whereabous of their sons, daughters, husbands, and wives. In the first atttack some 72% of employees fell for the scam. That number dropped to 40% for the second attack, but that second attack also saw several senior executive sduped. Mr Stephens said of the phishing attackss "While it is true that 40% of our employees were completely tricked by the fake emails and foolishly surrendered personal and confidential information, that leaves 60% who were not fooled. Those 60% need to fully understand the seriousness of the threat we face. They may have sniffed out the first wave of phising attacks fairly easily, but let's see how they do when Hollywood production company New Wave Entertainment steps up to the plate."
By Everyday Junglist3 years ago in Humor
Harlequinade. Top Story - October 2023.
Dear Sweet Looney Partner, With Halloween around the corner, you would expect a spooky story from me. Let me surprise you with a funny story instead! Heads up, please don’t read this while drinking anything. I’m not responsible if you shoot fluid out of your nose or mouth. Let me take you back to when I was four years old. My parents brought me to the airport because someone was going somewhere or maybe someone was arriving from somewhere. Don’t know, don’t care. My parents were busy talking to the other adults, whoever they were. I was left unsupervised but I was too afraid to leave my parents’ side, so I let my eyes wander. They wandered far and wide until they landed on a very cute boy. He seemed to be around my age. He held a packet of potato chips in his hand. I was mesmerized watching him stylishly bring one chip after another to his mouth with his other hand. I surveyed the adults around him. They too were engaged in conversation. All I needed to know was that he was unsupervised as well. I gave my parents one last look before leaving their side. I was careful not to make any sudden movement to prevent the boy from getting scared of me and I didn’t want my parents to know that I was sneaking away. Finally, I was right in front of him. He stopped eating and smiled at me. I smiled back at him. My smile then evolved into a grin and he followed suit. I slowly brought my right hand to his left cheek and caressed it. He just stood there rigid and wide-eyed, confused at what was going on. I caressed his cheek a little while longer. I kept watching his eyes, bidding my time and it finally came when he closed his eyes a little too long before opening them up again. SMACK! That fool almost fell as an aftermath of my slap. I then pried the packet of potato chips out of his hands and bolted. I had a head start because it took him a few seconds to realize what had happened before he started chasing me while crying loudly. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha, what a loser! His howls alerted all the adults around us because this boy was LOUD! See, this was the flaw in my plan. My undoing. I should have threatened him to keep quiet or lured him somewhere isolated. But I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I was just four and didn’t have much experience in scheming. Oh yes, back to the story. His parents were chasing him and mine were chasing me in the middle of a busy airport. Finally, my parents caught me and snatched the potato chips out of my hands. The boy’s parents were trying to calm him down but to no avail. He only stopped when he got back his potato chips. My parents then apologized to him and his parents and made me do it too. I know, the audacity ! Now you’re probably wondering what happened to me after that. Nothing much at the airport but after we got back home, I got spanked so hard! No worries, it didn’t stop me from committing other mischievous deeds but that’s a story for another letter. I know you’ve been going through a tough time and I hope my story made you smile. Sincerely, The-Boy-Slapping-and-Potato-Chip-Stealing Thief ~~~~~ Author’s Notes: Yes, this was based on true events! 🤣 This was written for Heather Hubler’s Write Me A Letter Challenge . Surprisingly, as per the rules, I actually used all 26 letters of the alphabet!
By Dharrsheena Raja Segarran3 years ago in Humor
Getting Late in The Morning. Content Warning.
I took a pen and I wanted to write something about being late in the morning. If you read the biographies of successful people around the globe, there is one thing that is constant and that is whether they were early birds or they are indeed. If you get up early in the morning, you will have plenty of time to start your morning. You will carry out your tasks without any sort of anxiety or stress. As a consequence, the results will be exactly what you wanted.
By Jamil Ashraf3 years ago in Humor
