ComicRelief
What Happens When the “Mother of Invention” Puts You Up for Adoption?
📺 AS SEEN ON TV!….PROBABLY Legal Notice: By reading this article, you acknowledge that any desire to actually purchase these products is entirely your own fault. The Pompous Post™ is not responsible for:
By The Pompous Post5 months ago in Humor
Murphy Has You on Speed Dial (And He’s Not Leaving a Voicemail)
There are people in this world who float through life untouched by the universe’s cruel little pranks. Their toast lands butter-side up, their headphones never tangle, and they’ve never once stubbed their toes on a table leg… And then… there’s you.
By The Pompous Post5 months ago in Humor
BREAKING: Local Man Explains the Entire Plot of a Movie He Hasn’t Actually Seen, Based Solely on the Poster
CHIP VAGUELY (Anchor Desk, visibly exhausted): Good evening, I'm Chip Vaguely, and welcome to Channel 8 News. Where the truth doesn’t just come out… it rambles for several minutes first.
By The Pompous Post5 months ago in Humor
ALERT: Groundbreaking Study Reveals Cats Are Not Napping - They’re Recharging for Their 3 A.M. Zoomies to Nowhere
By The Pompous Post™ Investigative Lounge Division In what experts are calling “the most important breakthrough in modern domestic science,” researchers at the National Institute of Pet Behavior have confirmed that cats are not actually sleeping during the day. They’re recharging their internal chaos capacitors in preparation for their nightly ritual known as “The Zoomies.”
By The Pompous Post5 months ago in Humor
Local Man Argues with GPS, Accidentally Unlocks Its Toxic Personality Settings
A Scenic Shortcut to Madness It started innocently enough. Gary Whitmore, 43, of Dayton, Ohio, slid into his 2019 Toyota Camry and keyed in his destination: a Home Depot located precisely 12 minutes away. A quick trip. A routine errand. Nothing could possibly go wrong.
By The Pompous Post5 months ago in Humor
I Communicated Entirely in Auto-Complete Suggestions for 24 Hours. My Final Words Were “Sorry for the inconvenience.”
In an age where technology claims to make our lives easier, I decided to put that promise to the test in the dumbest way possible. For 24 hours straight, I vowed to communicate only through the power of auto-complete text suggestions. No original thought, no clever phrasing, just whatever three cursed words my phone decided to offer me at the time. Why you ask? Well… because we were bored.
By The Pompous Post6 months ago in Humor
The Pompous Post Welcomes Harold Hindsight, Our New In-House Medium
Here at The Pompous Post, we are proud (and somewhat nervous) to introduce our newest member of the team: columnist “Harold Hindsight, Medium and Overseer of the Enlightened.” Harold claims to see beyond the veil of time itself. According to Harold (and Harold alone), he has already helped thousands of brothers and sisters reach their “best selves”. Though none of them could be reached for comment. His résumé includes healings of mysterious ailments and horoscope readings so accurate they could have been copied and pasted from a fortune cookie. The locating of “lost relatives” (most of whom happened to be at Applebee’s), and regular chats with the dearly departed.
By The Pompous Post6 months ago in Humor
AI is Stealing Our Jobs, But It Can’t Fold a Fitted Sheet...
I. Prelude to the Apocalypse (Laundry Edition) Every generation has its defining fear. The Victorians worried about fainting couches and tuberculosis. The Cold War generation stockpiled canned peaches in case Russia sneezed too loudly. And us? We’ve been told that Artificial Intelligence will soon steal every job, write every poem, and possibly date every one of our exes.
By The Pompous Post6 months ago in Humor
D.E.A.R MARGARET
I've written and deleted this letter forty-seven times. I know you said you didn't want to hear from me again, and I'm respecting that, this letter is addressed to you, but I'm not sending it. I'm leaving it here, on your porch, in a waterproof envelope, with explicit instructions on the envelope that it should only be opened if: (a) something happens to me, or (b) you find out from someone else first, at which point my explanation will at least be on record. So this is not me trying to contact you. This is me creating plausible deniability while also ensuring you know the whole truth. I'm sure your therapist would have thoughts about that.
By Aarsh Malik6 months ago in Humor
Excuse me please : I am a born Noble
Prelude: This makes you wince , I know ! But, I seek no apologies for putting you through this! Excuse me please : I am a born NobleI don’t just sit. I descend With Pro fella logics— I fill up the space with much extravagance Perhaps, it’s a seat, bludgeoning, with no last calls of commanding flagships,A sacred harmony gently cohorts, unraveling—thereof, a ten times in tenfolds of mindful beliefs O! What a splendor, as of, so casted in steady steads ;Thereupon as if —it’s immortality paying off its eyeful heedsAnd while heavenly graces, so such robust; and least to mention-Each-Yes, each eye gathering upon that bequeathed sleep Yes, I seek, with a purpose true and deep, That which belies on that four legged cushy steed,Luring me into counting sheep 💤 And so, I sit! An aid for crisis, except, with no other pro-visions to keep This heralding seat with its dimensions etched— 4 by 4 feet, Putting all life beyond any other psyching feat ! And so, in that, I sit! It’s one job higher, clamping me to its feet, With fealty crowns, Conquering all weathered downs, Fancy Scoot —it emerges from nowhere, as a tempting pleadTherein, I sit! Yes, it’s a retreat for those armies of unending fatigues, Seeking martyrdom as to possibly believe, Posing in a sort of quarantined repeats, All to capture that unflinching defeat!And so, I sit! Hey listen ! 👂 Must you learn to like this seat;It’s much like —just— as it is; ‘Coz it’s a job much more superior, Fetching lofty justice across the breach Not to mention and to say the least,and drawing no more than all your pearly-whorly thirty two teeth,It helps e’ery other ponderer or even—any other bogged decrepit, And, if anything , it’s worth is much more than measures of drumming 🥁 beats And so, I sit! A yield bringing settlers to a squatter’s lead, Rightly camping under the catamount’s feetYes , it’s like turning the yesteryear’s lasting leaf,Creaking still under those heavy tilts Yet, so clear cut across those inner labyrinths—Like gulping, brute passivity, right underneath!And so, I sit! And gazing over those gilded glints, And for th’se many golds, it promises to bring! Bending into voids alone, Quite adrift, I stage over those elusive gifts Now, nose deep, deep diving onto those fleets,Unfolding life’s deposits, and all along those harrowed conflicts, and also, amidst few more hallowing griefs, I sit! But, yet again , regrowing thoughts, regardless of any defeats I rise again, signing the treaty with my tailbone’s creed With no bailiffs calling to stand in steed, With gravity I sink down to every cushions plead And so, with no regrets, so I sit ! Willingly, to be titled: bun-in-a-stitch. There’s a profound sense of pleasure as one concedes,Don’t say by all means—if you please! Yet, with a slightest tilt, it’s like a weltered reliefCoz , it is about to tell you something which spells 🪄 much like this : Love me or leave me ; or still better—like it thus, or lump it in a spree‘Coz, I make monarchs here, whosoever slumps in from spine to kneeNo meek concessions on this very seat There’s no percentage chance of any defeat Yeah, slump over this gilded throne, Claim it and make it your own every now and then— of course, with no prior paid permits So upon its alto-meter,With eternal ladders pinned to each, It’s that chair leading up to those deeds, Holding whispers of waiting, Much as much —as it is; which one is more free all through this decree ! Now, if you’ll excuse me please, I need to lie down 🙏
By Madhu Goteti 6 months ago in Humor
