Random thoughts: Gum

First of all, many who know me would affirm to me being quite a glutton.

I mean, the "eats an entire bag of family-sized M&Ms in one day" glutton.

If you'd like me to be more direct, Buzzfeed told me that I prefer sweet snacks over savory ones, which is one of the only times the site has ever been slightly accurate. So, yes, I was the kid that had more enjoyment during tea in London than any of the other attractions and 40$ souvenir sweaters. (London Eye? More like, London bye-bye. I ate my share of crumpets, now I'm leaving forever.)

But enough about my idiosyncrasy, because I present you the perfect solution to both getting the euphoric taste of sugar substitute in your system and not feeling regret for eating more than your appetite allots...GUM!

Gum is likely one of the most opportune inventions of the past few centuries.

"But, isn't literature even better? Or electricity? Or moving sidewalks?"

Well, yes, my dearest reader, but this isn't about those things, is it?

Anyhow, not only is it a quick fix to hunger (or just the ravenous desire for a quick hit of bubblegum flavoring), but can keep you busy during otherwise vapid times, or if your attention span sucks...like mine. Frankly, I wouldn't have read as much classical literature as I claim under my belt if I didn't get a pack or two for the ride.

Ever since intuitive Native Americans got that sacred spruce sap from tree bark, and colonists stole that practice to make ART (not saying it's right though-), there have been various creative flavors since. (although, with less sap, and more chemicals)

Bacon-flavored gumballs anyone?

ANYONE?

Other than... that delicacy of an item, there are the infamous minty flavors, in case you ate an entire bushel of garlic before that one frivolous date; or you really hate brushing your teeth, and instead depend on that cool "Cleans off plaque after 20 minutes of chewing" label with the humorously questionable asterisk beside it! Oh, and don't get me started on the jovial sport of blowing bubble gum! Hubba-Bubba's Bubble Tape is especially good at this, but beware of the horrendous tragedy of getting the stuff all over your lips!

(Believe me, that part isn't fun)

If you enjoy being quirky and getting 10 different oral diseases at once, have you ever tried candy-flavored gum? From the iconic taste of Sour Patch Kids to that of Airheads, you can enjoy the delicious mark of superficial sugar, and feel remorse after grimly reading the calorie count!

Yep, fun for the entire family!

Also, gum helps in another way, because it represses my rad high-functioning autistic superpowers!

Like eating rocks.

(yay)

Pica is a condition that can be connected with autism, but can also be present in those without it for a myriad of reasons, such as a lack of iron. According to the first result that came up on Google, it can be described as an eating disorder that includes ingesting... unique objects... which are so inherently odd (and random) that they'd mortify poison control, and even rats, sadly. Some of those include paper, dirt, sand, chalky white rocks, cotton, lotion, putty, um, and more.

It's like being Banica Conchita from Evillious Chronicles (god, nobody's going to know what that is), minus the cannibalism.

WELL, FEAR NOT, my fellow autistics! Gum is now your friend. Just pop a stick into your mouth and you have something not only to prevent you from eating toilet paper but can give you something to do whilst you go over why you shouldn't eat said toilet paper for the 287th time.

Let me tell you a personal tale of its miracles,

Once upon a time, I chewed on straws (another, less effective method of keeping that pica demon from breathing down my neck), which solicited various quizzical glances and such from others. Sometimes, when I was late for that dreaded institution we all know as school, I would accidentally show up with the straws still in my mouth. It would either become a red flag to teachers (Because of course, there has to be austere enforced to keep children from the worst atrocity known to man... chewing straws, rather than less important things, like that one kid setting arson to your building!) or fellow students (such as clone no. 1 of two notoriously annoying twins) randomly asking "wHaT's tHaT?/?/" or thinking I'm chewing zip ties (what). Then, my therapist recommended that I take up gum rather than straws, and since, I've been magically cured of people thinking I like the taste of processed plastic!

Although, the only dent in my argument is that gum isn't allowed at my school, or frankly, any others.

(crap)

So, after all of these rambles, you'd probably like some type of poignant, provoking conclusion about the true essence of gum. But my mission of educating the one person who will ever read this about my opinions on gum, and I've already done that.

So, I'll just reprise all that I have said into a set of cool equations.

Gum = Cool.

Pica = Nah

And: Straws = Zipties.

(Thank you for reading this, it means a lot more than it should, as my former story from when I was underage was a complete flop :/

Don't forget to like, share, and I dunno, tip.

I'm not begging or anything.

PLEASE I NEED TO FEED MY NONEXISTENT CHILDREN-)