Nobody Is Talking About This

Have you noticed that everyone online talks the same now?

Not everyone, obviously.

Nobody is talking about this.

This is something nobody talks about.

No one has ever told you this.

Nobody will tell you this.

Except me.

I am apparently the last remaining human being on Earth who has discovered this forbidden information.

Welcome, traveller.

You have reached the secret chamber.

Please watch this Reel until the end to receive your initiation.

Also like, comment, share, save, follow, tag three friends, and sacrifice a small goat to the algorithm.

What happened to everybody?

Did the internet give content creators a neurological tic?

And why do so many people talk like news anchors now?

Why does every fucking sentence sound like it was approved by a committee of television executives?

“Tonight… we’re going to uncover… THE TRUTH… they DON’T want you to know.”

Who is “they”?

Nobody knows. Cough- narcissistic human predators- Cough

Apparently they are very busy hiding the information that someone on TikTok has just discovered while sitting in their parked car.

Maybe news anchors have to get hit in the head with a hammer when they get hired.

Maybe there is a little room at journalism school where they administer the procedure.

BONK.

Congratulations.

You now speak exclusively in ominous pauses.

And now the influencer economy has adopted the same manipulative affliction.

“Nobody is talking about this.”

Actually, Junior, people have been talking about it since civilization invented fucking campfires.

I have been talking about it.

Other people have been talking about it.

Books have been written about it.

Artists have painted it.

Philosophers have argued about it.

Therapists have heard about it approximately seventeen billion times.

Some grandmother in 1847 was probably screaming about it while peeling potatoes.

But apparently nobody is talking about it.

Except you.

Because you are the first.

The only one.

The chosen messenger.

And now, if I watch until the end, I get to join the Insider Elite Club.

Of course, there are more sophisticated versions.

“I’ll tell you what nobody’s talking about—but you have to stay until the end.”

Oh, fucking hell.

Then comes the engagement shakedown.

“Like this video.”

“Share it.”

“Type I COMPLY in the comments.”

“Send this to three people.”

“Save this so you don’t forget.”

Apparently if I don’t obey, Jesus himself is going to descend through the ceiling and strike me with celestial lightning.

And this is what makes it particularly irritating.

The word nobody is doing all the fucking work.

Because the creator knows people are talking about it.

They know.

But “many people have been discussing this for decades” doesn’t make you feel like you’ve discovered forbidden knowledge.

“Nobody is talking about this” creates a vacuum.

And suddenly you’re the insider.

You’re special.

You’re awake.

You’re in.

And then the comments arrive.

“I’ve been saying this!”

“My grandmother knew this!”

“I wrote about this three years ago!”

“Finally someone is talking about it!”

Yes.

Exactly.

Everyone is talking about it.

I’ve been talking and talking and talking for four decades.

I’ve made hundreds of paintings about it.

I’ve written more than 150 essays about it.

I’ve spent more than twenty years in psychotherapy talking about it.

I’ve talked about it at coffee shops, meetings, in living rooms, with friends, with strangers, with crisis lines, with myself, and with God.

So when somebody tells me, “Nobody talks about this,” I occasionally want to crawl through my phone and whisper:

Guess what, bud? I wrote an article about that last night.

But I don’t.

Because I recognize the hook.

I don’t want to feed it.

So instead, I sit here in my little corner of the internet, watching everybody announce that nobody is talking about what everybody is talking about.

And I laugh.

Because apparently the next great untold truth is this:

Nobody is talking about how everybody keeps saying nobody is talking about things everybody talks about, while everybody is talking and talking and talking, and apparently nobody is doing anything except making content about nobody talking about anything.

Don’t worry.

I’ll talk about it.

Somebody has to.