My Bad Jokes Have Dealt Our Marriage a Knockout Blow!

In couples already under stress, the more the husband used humour, the greater the chance the couple would separate or divorce. Independent, November 2018

My wife finally left me. She said she couldn’t spend another day listening to my stupid jokes. Truth is, I think she’s still mad at my decision to buy one of those new trampoline beds without telling her. She hit the roof!

I should’ve seen this coming. It’s not simply the jokes. She’s been telling our friends that I never notice her appearance. Complete nonsense! Only last week I told her she'd drawn her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

And she accused me of never giving her my full attention. I think that’s what she said. I was reading my phone at the time, so I’m not 100% sure.

She said she was worried by my self-destructive habits. She’s convinced I’ve become addicted to drinking brake fluid, but I can stop any time I want.

Argument

Things came to a head when we had a huge row. “Do you realise you’ve become increasingly ignorant and apathetic?” she yelled. “I don’t know, and I don’t care!” I shouted back.

She said to me, “Do you even understand what your real problem is?” Of course, she had to tell me. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

She maintains I do nothing around the house and that I’m hopeless at DIY. She’s probably right about that. A book fell on my head the other day. I only have my shelf to blame.

We’ve tried patching things up these last few months. Our marriage guidance counsellor suggested we go on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you this for nothing, never again!

The same counsellor told me I should surprise my wife with gifts, so I bought her a universal remote control. Fool that I was, I thought it would change everything.

Pressure

I don’t think she appreciates the pressure I’ve been under recently. Like, I just got fired from my job at the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I found work as a set designer, but I was sacked from that too. I left without making a scene.

I’m not sure what to do now. I trained as an electrician when I was younger, but people were shocked when they discovered how bad I was at that job.

I’ve good literacy skills, but I’m hopeless when it comes to figures. The number of times I failed mathematics at school — well, I can’t even count.

At least I’m not restricted to desk jobs now that my foot problems have been sorted out. I didn’t think orthopaedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.

Hobbies

Maybe with my wife gone, I’ll have more time for hobbies. I enjoy reading, especially non-fiction. I’ve just finished a book about how ships are held together. Riveting! I started another one last night, ‘100 Uses for Glue’, but I’m stuck on the first chapter.

I’ve also been exploring other options. I was about to join the local debating society until someone talked me out of it.

And I thought about yoga. I rang the instructor and she said, ‘How flexible are you?” I said, “Well, I can’t do weekends.”

A friend mentioned that swimming is great fun. I phoned the nearest leisure centre to book lessons. “Hello,” I said, “Is that the local swimming pool?” The guy said, “Depends where you’re ringing from.”

Hopes

Like all couples, we had such great hopes for our marriage. We seemed so compatible when we met. We both worked in wi-fi engineering for a start. Our reception was fantastic.

Despite all the warning signs, I was shocked when she told me it was over. I’ve needed professional help to get back on my feet. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with revenge. Boy, is he going to regret saying that.

Children

We have to do what’s right for our kids now. I’ve taught them all I know. I told our youngest, if you’re ever attacked by a group of circus performers, go for the juggler. And always pay your exorcist if you don’t want to get repossessed.

He might be young, but he’ll remember that stuff. He has amazing recall. Are people born with a photographic memory or does it take time to develop?

I don’t want our family and friends taking sides in this mess. I’ve said to them, before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticise them, you’re a mile away.

And you have their shoes, so there’s that.