Hot Bother.

I woke up in my bed, dripping like I'd just slept in the oven, and turned my skin into a baked lasagne. My room was so hot last night, it felt like I was being suffocated by a deep fat fryer.

I drag my lovely pomegranate butt out of bed, and decide that I have to do something today, despite the heat; because, well, Mother Nature still knows rain. I'm not even sure about wearing clothes, that would be like turning my ovaries into a fried egg sandwich.

"I think a shower is in demand," I say out loud, to nobody but the wall. I'm hallucinating, because fried Turkey makes you do that in this heat.

I run my shower cold, and I still complain.

"Damn! I'm getting a sunburn, without the sun."

I jump out, run downstairs. I appear with one hundred buckets of ice. I tip them into the bath, and smile as the lovely freeze cools my body. My skin stings like a thousand bumble bees have attacked me, but it does the trick.

I tiptoe downstairs, because my carpet has become a grill for my feet, threating to sell my toes, fried for food. When I get there, I make an iced coffee and head outside with a fan that feels more like a heater in my hands.

"Good morning, Carla. Wanna join us?" my neighbour, Sara shouts, failing to notice her head drowning in steaming bubbles from her Jacuzzi.

"It looks hot!" I shout.

"It's only steam from ice!" she calls.

I'm about to finish my conversation with her, when three women run across the garden, naked, screaming they are too hot. I notice that one of the woman has a butt the colour of a tangy tomato, and she screams even louder when the water hits her.

"Arrrgh! I'm cooking." She cries.

My face feels like someone sizzled sausages on it, and I shout,

"OK, your butt is not on the barbecue yet!"

She sticks twos up at me, and I stick my tongue out.

"Don't be rude!" she shouts.

"I'm not. I'm panting, because I'm thirsty, and hot dogs do that!"

A second woman appears completely naked. I see she has already crisp her boobs into bacon-subs. I think maybe, she was trying to tan.

"What? Did she use a sun bed, or did someone throw her under the grill?"

She jumps into the Jacuzzi, and beckons me to follow.

I have been stood here for at least an hour, and I can feel bubbles of vegetable oil sizzling on my ankles. I can't stand this heat anymore, so I decide to join them before my skin decides to turn into dried banana peel.

"Here I come!" I shout as I dive in from over the fence, making a massive splash.

The Jacuzzi is still steaming, though its not hot.

"Jeez-sui-us!" I shout.

"What's up?" Sara asks, while I try to stop shaking bunny boils from my skin.

"It's like the ice in a million freezers in here. Are you trying to cool us, or turn us into boiled potato?" I ask.

"It's hotter than the baked potato I slept in last night. I'm just trying to cool you all down!" Sara explains.

"What! You slept in a baked potato, in this heat? I hope you remembered to melt the cheese, otherwise there is absolutely no point in being here!" I told her horrified.

We go quiet for a minute, but it doesn't last long, when the woman next to us starts flailing her arms about like a fish gone batty!

"Look...in the water!" she gasps.

We all look down, and a woman's head pops up out of nowhere.

"Who in the world are you?" Sara asks, confused.

"I sneaked in from underneath. I was turning into soup out there. It's so hot, we are all going to be fish food at the end of it."

I started to hallucinate again, seeing terrifying human fish eating our legs in the water.

I'm still drenched in sweat. I can almost see it in the bubbles. The water has gone from freezing to hot in seconds.

We all start to sweat so much, that you could almost drink orange juice from us, but I wouldn't recommend it, unless you like green lime, and chilli oil in your drink.

"I'll get the ice!" I tell them all.

I attempt to fill a rather large bucket with ice, but it turns into slosh before I get to the Jacuzzi with it.

"Aw, now what? We're doomed to be burnt toast!" Sara complains.

"We could chuck a freezer in there!" fish girl pipes up.

"What?" Sara asks, eyes wide.

We decide to try it anyway. It's better than turning into Stew for Grandma's tea tonight.

"Who's getting it?" I ask.

"Have you gone mad? That freezer will fry in that water, and we're all frying enough, don't you think?"

"We do that in the sea!" fish girl pipes up.

"Oh my! The heat has killed the girl, and now she thinks she's a mermaid," One of the woman who I call gob a lot pipes up.

We don't even know her name!

"I am a mermaid. I happen to have scales!" fish girl tells us, showing us a leg with no scales."

"When you lot have finished making the heatwave worse. We have work to do!" Sara snaps.

We all head into the kitchen, to try and work out how we are going to tip the freezer into the Jacuzzi.

"You grab the butt, and I'll grab the boobs. The rest of you can just fondle," I instruct them.

Embarrassed to the core, and sweating more, we attempt to grab the freezer.

Fish girl pipes up;

"I can't stand the heat!"

We start to move, slowly, trying not to drop the freezer that we all desperately need to get into the Jacuzzi.

"Oh my! Its way too hot...with all this sizzling flesh!" I cry.

Everyone stops.

We start shaking our bikini tops like they are fans, even though we know there isn't much material to shake.

Sara stops in her tracks, almost dropping the freezer.

"Careful, we don't want to hurt her!" I scold.

She doesn't reply.

She just stands there, tongue almost dropping out of her mouth, even though nothing is dripping from it.

She is staring into thin air, though there is nothing to stare at.

"Sara, wake up! We need to get this thing into that Jacuzzi!" I protest.

"Can't you see that guy over there?" she suddenly asks.

We stand there, with our faces blank. There is no guy here, we know that for a fact unless we have all suddenly turned into men!

Sara just stands there. We choose to ignore her for a bit because we are all soaked, and we just want to get this damn freezer into the Jacuzzi before our arms drop off.

"We're going to have to do this alone." I try telling them.

"How are we going to do that? We are already falling like flies. I don't want to be eaten!" Fish girl exclaims.

"You are a girl!" I tell her.

"I am a mermaid!" she replies.

I think the heat has seriously gone to our heads, so I drop the freezer on the floor, and demand everyone takes a break.

"Ice-cream anyone?" I ask.

I suddenly remember that the ice-cream is in the freezer. I decide to check, silently, before anyone can say anything. I grab it out of the freezer, but it now looks like watered down glue!

We decide to eat it anyway, its better than turning into boiled fish!

"Yuk! It's fish food. I'm a mermaid, I don't eat fish food," fish girl complains.

I have had enough of her complaints. It seems the rest of the team have too, so we grab her by the legs and throw her into the Jacuzzi.

"There you go! You'll cool down now," gob a lot tells her.

Fish girl starts screaming franticly, but we all walk away. We have seriously had enough of her. We just want to get that freezer into the Jacuzzi.

Once we finish our glue; we head back inside, and lift the freezer again.

We manage to get it to the Jacuzzi.

"One...two...three...throw!" I command.

The freezer makes one big splash into the jacuzzi, and we all try to climb in. Fish girl is already in there, but she still has no tail.

The freezer takes up a lot of space, and one of us needs to get out. I decide fish girl has to go, so I grab her legs and throw her out. She throws herself on the ground, throwing her legs about.

"My tail! my tail!" she cries.

"You have no freaking tail," I tell her.

"Erm... this is not working. The water is baking, and we are sweltering," Carla shouts.

I'm feeling the heat more now, and there are patches of lard on my body.

"Shut the fuck up!" I shout, then I throw Carla in the freezer.

Night time falls, and everyone has gone home.

I lay on my bed dripping, and my fan has given up.

I decide I need cooling down, but the freezer is full, so I throw myself in the fridge.

It's cooler in there.

I can legally get away with this crime, because the heat made us do it!