Horoscopes for February

First Quarter

Capricorn: Space may be the final frontier but it’s often made on the cheap with reused sets and kitchen appliances. Don’t let this put you off your attempt at building a bargain basement warp capable shuttle. Don’t forget your duct tape

Aquarius: Eureka! You discover a new element this quarter, shocking the scientific community. The CCDC however will refuse your request to name it after Charles Manson

Pisces: I hope you like architecture as you’ll be spending this quarter designing a new underwater city for a Somalian Billionaire. Of course, given the exchange rate, it’ll likely be a fleet of shipping containers in an old swimming pool

Aries: Your quarter will consist of reimagining the Transformers as British Vehicles. You’ll be praised for making characters like Ironside as a Bedford Rascal and Hotrod as a Jenson Interceptor, you’ll also be criticised for making Optimus Prime a Bedford TK and Bumblebee as an Enfield 8000. Don’t be disheartened as the world was built by trailblazers like you.

Taurus: This quarter you’ll spend time trying to prove Newton wrong by trying to prove that for every action there isn’t always an equal and opposite reaction by kicking your boss between the legs. It’s fair to say that getting fired isn’t an equal reaction. Now if you can only prove Einstein wrong. Go everywhere this week wearing a kilt, no reason, kilts are just cool

Gemini: Brush up on your laws of Equivalent Exchange as Alchemy hits you this quarter. You’ll endeavour to clean up your local park by transmuting the waste into recyclable materials, but you’ll only succeed in transforming them into chocolate chip muffins. I’d give them a miss if I were you

Cancer: You’re neighbours will begin celebrating Chinese New Year a little early this quarter by launching dozens of floating lanterns from their garden. This will make the nutjobs in your neighbourhood believe aliens are invading, resulting in the Air Force launching interceptors to pay the aliens a visit. The confusion of this will result in the destruction of the town’s Mustard Museum, blanketing it in a cloud of mustard gas. Beware the man in the royal blue speedos, he’s a bit of a dick

Leo: This quarter you’ll discover the secret to making your broomstick fly, leading you to create the world’s first proper Quidditch League. It’ll be shutdown before the cup final by Occupational Health & Safety who believe that throwing bowling balls at each other as makeshift bludgers isn’t a sound investment. The league will close with the Heidelberg Harriers taking the top spot, netting you a tidy sum at the bookies

Virgo: You will end up in hospital this quarter after you attempt to grease lightning to see if it really is quicker.

Libra: An attempt to spice up your sex life this quarter will result in disaster as you reach for the swarfega instead of your normal lubricants. It will be a pleasantly painful experience but not one to try regularly

Scorpio: I hope you like flying as you’ll be taking an unexpected flight when the gem of your coat gets stuck on the wrong side of an aeroplane hatch. You’ll arrive cold and miserable but somehow alive and earning you millions as Warner Bros want to turn the experience into a movie

Sagittarius: Do you like Strongbow? I hope so because this quarter as you’ll take a tour of a Strongbow Brewery. It’ll be topped off by a tour of Buckfast Abbey to watch how Buckfast gets made. Try not to drink too much, you’re the designated driver

Second Quarter

Capricorn: Your entrepreneurial side is in flare this quarter. The launch of your new company, Glamazon, will be a huge success. It was a good idea to market it to female wrestlers and drag queens.

Aquarius: The end is nigh, for high petrol prices this quarter as you manage to power your car on the promises of politicians. For branding I’d go with Gasoline

Pisces: After your disastrous attempt at opera singing, the works isn’t ready for “Oh Fart Tuna”, you will successfully stage a coup on the Isle of Boreray. The fact no one lives on this island secured your victory. Not sure what you can do with 198 hectares but the Scottish isle of Uist is only a mile away.

Aries: Brush up on your turntable skills this quarter as you move into a new job, I’m afraid it isn’t as a DJ but as a turntable engineer in an old train yard

Taurus: It’s time to kick butt and chew bubblegum, you have an adequate amount of gum but no butts to kick. Next time try it the other way around. Pink is in your future this quarter although whether it’s the colour or the singer is unclear.

Gemini: Looks like it’s time to go postal and by that I mean start your new job as a postal worker. It’s a rewarding job as you get plenty of exercise, meet new people and can enjoy your hobby of philately. Watch out for the dog at number 9, it has a curious interest in quantum physics.

Cancer: Thor’s Hammer lands in your garden this quarter damaging three ornamental gnomes, a wishing well, and has plastered your neighbours cat across the neighbourhood, that’ll teach it not to crap in your yard. This quarter you’ll take to the road as with your Val Doonican tribute act. Your choice to sing the songs in the style of nu-metal masters, Korn, will be pulled into question.

Leo: You’ll be drafted this quarter to be the point guard for the Roxham Rockets Basketball Team, time to brush up on those fundamentals. Your first match will be against the Scremby Scribblers. Their power forward has a wooden leg, if you accidentally throw the ball at it you’ll give your team an advantage

Virgo: Your a corporate shark this quarter as you arrange a hostile takeover of the company that owns a diverse number of brands and manufacturers. Some of these names are Soni, Matsubashi, Bokia, Macrosift, and Newscorp. Good for you. Watch out for your first board meeting as many of the others will be rocking up with baseball bats and golf clubs

Libra: You will invent a new form of social media this quarter which will really take off, seeing as it involves carrier pigeons.

Scorpio: You at a crossroads. To the north lies a dark path through an ominous forest. To the east lies a desert wasteland. To the west lies John Prescott in a speedo. Which way do you go? You’ve picked West? I suppose he’s someone’s fetish

Sagittarius: Pack a suitcase as you’re heading to Venus. Believing himself to be god, Donald Trump will team up with Steven Seagal to terraform Venus. This will not end well

Third Quarter

Capricorn: The Albanian Space Service are preparing to send a manned mission to the sun and they want you to man the environmental controls on their 2nd hand space shuttle. Be sure to pack your factor 5 million sunscreen as it’ll be a bit warm

Aquarius: This quarter will see you arguing over history with the local drunk. His views of how we should live like the Romans is at odds with your views on living like the Gauls make for entertaining viewing at the local off-licence. It will be broken up by a police officer who believes we should live like Mongols.

Pisces: This quarter you will get a victory at Wimbledon. Not for the Open but for your local scout troop’s scavenger hunt. Pack waders!

Aries: Determined to shift that holiday weight sees you eat nothing but baked beans for every meal. By the end of the quarter you’ll be regretting the decision

Taurus: You’ll take to Broadway and the West End with your budget rendition of Starlight Express; which won’t be nearly as successful as your previous work, Joseph and his Technicoloured Binbag

Gemini: It is superhero quarter for you. You’ve been tasked with defending the town of Hólmavik as the superhero known as Malted-Loaf Man

Cancer: You will be on tv this quarter with a brand new cooking show, Roadkill Warrior. It will be a hit in the southern states of the US and the town of Funtley. Of course vegans will be outraged at your lack of dairy alternatives but your avid distaste for almond milk puts them in their place

Leo: As storms batter the UK; this leads you to develop radical new weather prediction systems utilising empty soup tins and a toaster. You will predict a massive hurricane approaching the coast of Florida which will cause you to rush to the weather office and ask for it to be named the Hawker Hurricane.

Virgo: This quarter will see you fail to relaunch the Panasonic 3DO and Atari Jaguar. You will succeed in selling your design for the Jaguar Atari to Jaguar and the idea of Captain Panasonic to Marvel

Libra: This quarter will see you launching your own streaming service, Channel Checkmate, which only streams Chess matches. The various unique styles of chess such as infinite chess and 3D Chess will be a hit but you will lose people to the eight hour matches between grandmasters

Scorpio: This quarter marks the completion of your project to dig a tunnel between Argentina and the Falkland Islands, unfortunately you will emerge in the Gnome Reserve in Devon. Must’ve been that left turn at Albuquerque

Sagittarius: This quarter you’ll invent a new board game based on the tv show Benidorm. The way you included the turd in the pool was visionary.

Fourth Quarter

Aquarius: This quarter you’ll wake up in the middle of the Serengeti wearing a tutu, flippers, and a foot wide moustache. Seek the man in the rainbow pyjamas, he has the answers you are looking for

Pisces: This quarter you’ll meet new people after being locked up in a Denver polo station after marching through the streets trying to convince everyone that they’re part of the Mile High Club

Aries: You’ll find the secret to inner peace this quarter by hitching a hammock up between the Petronas Towers making you the envy of Buddhists around the world.

Taurus: You’ll have to rethink your plan to build a extravagant train journey to rival the Orient Express and Japan’s Seven Stars Train as no one wants to pay £1000 to ride the Stourbridge Line in a caravan painted purple

Gemini: With the rise in popularity of the Traitor on British tv, you’ll be inspired to create a televised version of the Betrayal at the House on the Hill. All will seem well until a midget summons actual demons into the show. The cameraman will never be the same again

Cancer: This quarter you’ll end up locked in a library for two nights, you don’t mind however as you like their books and choice of snacks in the adults only section

Leo: You’ll make history this quarter when you start up the Extreme Wheelchair Racing League. Funny how the only complaints come from people with no interest in wheelchairs, racing, or flamethrowers.

Virgo: Corned Beef, cabbage, Greek yoghurt, Gorgonzola cheese, not the best start to Ready Steady Cook but you’ll make it work

Libra: You’ll reach number one on the singles chart this quarter with a cover of eBay by Weird Al. Your next single won’t do quite as well, but then again who really knows who Jim Davidson is these days?

Scorpio: You’ll spend this quarter running around the streets in your underpants, not because you’re a superhero but from the dentist’s anaesthetic

Sagittarius: Throw caution to the wind this quartee by grabbing a bull by the horns, stare down the barrel of a gun, pee into the wind, get into that white transit that says “Free Candy”

Capricorn: This quarter you’ll resurrect the comic Dilbert, you’ll receive positive reviews when you make him a violent heroin addicted drunk. However, no one will like your version of Dogbert, no one wants to see anything resembling Donald Trump wearing a mankini