Ever'body Needs A Liddle Lurv Sum Time

Ok, so here's the thing, you know, that thing that bugs ya soon as ya drop ya puny little ass in that oversized office chair ya woman got ya down at the dump. Hey, it was for nuthin, waddaya want for nuthin?

Anyway, the thing I was about to sound off about, an it's been a long time comin, huh? The thing is, everybody likes to feel the lurv baby, I mean e-v-e-r-y-b-o-d-y!

So, I turn up at da gig, I plant my cute liddle ass, an I switch on da macheen. I go to Vocal Media and hey, waddaya know, I still aint got Top Story. I mean, waddya ave to do round here to get just a lidddle teensy weensy bit of dat lurv? What do I ave to do, get a letter from God Almighty for ya, sayin "give dis guy a liddle bid a dat lurv," huh?

I got about one eighty stories, an never once I got any o dat there lurv. Las week I saw some geek wid one story from two years ago, never lifted a pen again in anger, an SHE got Top Story!

An den there's dat udder lil area where dey callin out 'people we're lurvvin'. Aint never seen my name in der. So dat meens ya aint lurvvin me, huh? Hell, ya even know ya not lurvvin me, what did I do, killya dawg or rape your granma or sumptin?

Ya wanna know what dat feels like? Hell, I even pay ya, like e-v-e-r-y m-o-n-t-h, ta NOT lurve me! It's like seein sum Wendy the Whip hot tootsy, whooz hot ta trot, cummin on at ya, an soon as she gotcha ya dho ray mee, she jus turns an struts off down the street to jitterbug wid sum udder hot ticket. What, am I sum kinda schmuck or sumptin?

Ok, ya wanna hear a funny story, maybe dat 'll getcha ta loosen up sum, huh?

So, dis guy goes to a faith healin gig in a church an the healer he says "Ok everybody, any o' ya all got sumptin ya need help wid, step right on up here, an praise to the lord."

So dis geek steps up and sez "Sir, I need help wid my hearin', huh?"

An dis healer dude sticks a finger on his left hand inta dis muther's left ear, an places his right hand, open palm down, on the guys head. Den, de pastor sez a few words ta da lord fo two minutes and den removes his hands.

The Pastor sez "Ok , my man, how's ya hearing now?"

An the dude replies "I don't know, man, it's not til next week. I got my legal beagle workin on it, but every liddle helps, huh?

Ok, I'll tell ya a true story. Sum German sailor lands in New York an has a cuppla dayz R an R. He gets rollin drunk an ends up in court. Problem is, he don't speak a word of English. So the judge calls out fo' help. He sez, "If anybody in here today speaks German, please raise your hand now."

One hand goes up in de public gallery an de judge sends the court usher ta bring him down to the de judges bench.

"Right," sez de judge ta de man whooze gonna translate English ta German. "Letz start by askin' him his name." An dis translator dude turns ta de dock an sez ta de German guy....."Vot Iz yoor nime?" An' as he sez dis, he clicks his heels an gives da Nazi salute.

Yeah, dat crazy dude got a month in da cell fo' dat loopy shit.

OK, so, do I get a Top Story yet, momma? Or am I jus whizzlin in da wind?

Come on, give dis guy a liddle bid a dat lurv, already.