Epic Fail

Brittany

I don't know where to start with this one.

I can't believe what just happened.

We've been cousins all our life and great friends for at least the last ten years. We’re like sisters. You know things about me I would never tell anyone else.

First, I'm embarrassed by this whole situation. Mortified to be involved. Please believe me when I say... I had no idea it would turn out like this. I hope you accept my apology.

So, there I was, driving while eating gummy bears and listening to Aretha Franklin spell out R.E.S.P.E.C.T on the radio when the thought came to mind. — Now, we both know our history of pulling pranks on each other. You got me good last month with the ketchup in the shampoo bottle. I seriously thought my head was bleeding and panicked until the smell reminded me of eating at Burger King. Yes, I was pissed off at first, but the thought of you staging the prank quickly had me cracking up.

Anyway, there I was driving when it hit me. It was time to get you back. I stopped at a couple of stores to get everything I needed, put it together and drove to your job at the clinic.

I crept to the front door unseen and left a gift box there with your name on it. I went back to my car and watched to make sure you got it. Some clumsy guy came out and almost tripped over it. He read the label, took the gift inside, returned a minute later then drove off to wherever he was going.

Can you imagine the joyful suspense I had knowing you were in there about to open it? Well, that suspense quickly turned to horror when some woman came rushing out the door two minutes later with chocolate pudding all over her white dress. She was breathing hard and looking around with an insane expression, probably for the person who left it there. Me.

I was really alarmed and really confused...

Until I found out your general managers name is also Brittany. I could have saved myself from all this foolishness by putting a last name.

She slammed the box to the ground and went back inside. I panicked, per usual, trying to decide what to do.

I couldn't let you take the blame. I made up my mind to go inside and apologize to you and Brittany, the boss. But you weren't even there. They said you were taking three sick days to get your wisdoms removed. I completely forgot you were doing that this week.

I had to tell the other Brittany it was for my cousin Brittany in reception. I had to before she figured it out on her own and try to hold you responsible. I feel so bad when something like this happens and tried to make it right.

She said she thought it was nice of someone to leave her a gift. She pulled it closer to her at the desk she was sitting at, opened it and that's when a jack-n-the box dildo with a necktie popped out at her. It was meant for you! It scared her so much she knocked a martini glass full of chocolate pudding on her desk into herself. It was all over her dress.

When I first walked in, a group of employees were around her trying to understand what happened. They were giving her paper towels and two of them were helping her wipe the brown goop off. They only made it worse.

Had I known you weren't there, I probably would have driven off. Would have felt bad still but no one would have known it was me.

None of this was supposed to happen but it did and I'm sorry.

Sheila, one of your co-workers, was the only one laughing inside. She said you pulled a funny prank on someone there before. She said my prank was funnier, but the way it turned out, I was nowhere near laughter. And your boss made it clear that shenanigans have no business in the workplace.

I'm so sorry, Brittany but after four, faithful years of service, you no longer work there. I begged her not to fire you because of me. All she did was scream at me to leave.

This happened an hour ago. I wanted to call you, but your mouth is in recovery and shouldn't be talking. So, I'm sending this by email. I know you check them daily because of work.

I think I should still send the other Brittany a card with money in it to at least pay for the dry cleaning. I feel so bad. And I'll stay out your way for a while until we make up.

I can help with whatever I can. I'm including job listings at the bottom to give you a head start. Or maybe you could try begging boss Brittany for your job back. You weren't even there!

Please don’t hate me, Brittany. You're my favorite cousin.

-Rebecca