Earth Votes to Leave Galaxy

Dame Maggie Corvid, LAMN*: Lead Civil Service Specialist Advisor, UK Government Galactic Exit Group.

Well, I see you've made up your mind now. I was in my garden talking to Lady Fenella Bicester about the council's plans to build a waste incinerator. It's on land they own next door to the village's sheltered housing units and that stuck-up old krone who urged the Parish Council to wave it through on the grounds she couldn't see it from her verandah, has changed her mind now on the grounds that she will be able to smell it instead.

So I'd just about had it with waverers already when I received word from the Ministry that they wanted me to come out of retirement to sort all of your bloody mess out. 

I hope you're proud of yourselves. I have a cruise booked for October. What kind of a way is this to treat an old lady?

Well I suppose I better get on with it and rescue the oafish public once again. Just like I did when I was just a slip of a girly thing in a pretty white dress authorizing executive orders for MI6 'cleaning operations'. It won't be the first time I had to get my hands dirty for the International Good. You have no idea.

I suppose my old skill set may yet come in handy again; if he tries anything sinister, that Ashtar fellow could find himself folded into a suitcase bobbing up and down in the Baltic. I've still got it, you know. I can still kill a man, particularly if he stands between me and two weeks aboard the MV Gloriana. I have always longed to see Seville Cathedral; the last time I almost went but had to cancel my plans so I could drown a man in the Thames.

Where was I? Oh yes, rest assured I will make sure everything is expedited, trade agreements signed, waste eliminated and will report back in late September of this year.

As we enter this journey into twilight, it may get dark and while you might not be able to see something wrong now, you may well be able to smell it.

Bon Voyage!

About your application to leave the Galaxy

• In order for us to process Earth's application to leave the Galaxy, all citizens must complete the following form and submit it to the Qtzgal Redemption Centre on Zeta Reticuli, together with a self-addressed envelope and a sample of your hair.
• On receipt of your application, your responses will be carefully vetted by a team of depressed, pencil-faced fonctionnaires with seven eyes and no sense of touch whose only joys in life are the regulation of badger-gassing and the painstaking study of manila envelope requisition protocol.
• Fill in each section of the form, returning here upon completion of each topic. You must fill in the form without any kind of satirical attitude and in a spirit of galactic bonhomie or points will be deducted.
• Where applicable, mark not applicable. 
• Once you have completed all the supplementary pages, sign the declaration and await further instructions from the foot of the page.

Please understand and agree to these notes BEFORE you read them

• This form is the property of the Galactic Federation of Light (Secretariat of Oppression) and may not be copied, forwarded, stored in a Swedish sideboard or guarded by mechanical dogs without the express written permission of the Secretary of State, the 14th Earl of Bentwaters, his agent, representative or suitable metric alternative, such as an Italian Contessa measuring exactly 1 cubic metre in volume.
• This form assesses whether your political judgement enables you to be a skeptical, incisive and logical member of society or a flaky , idle sky-watcher with psychological disorders, poor personal hygiene and unrealistically high expectations of meeting beings from another planet.
• The Psy-ops Division of the Galactic Civil Service reserves the right to share your responses with other carefully selected Neo-Maoist Agencies of Disavowal and Denial.

About Your Family

• As part of our move away from the Galactic Federation, children will be issued Services Passports to enable them to access key juvenile facilities.
• Each year, hundreds of Earth children turn up to school to find desks taken by alien beings pretending to be them. In many cases, the alien has made convincing counterfeits of the child's only identification - a pencil case, packed lunch box or label sewn-in to the collar of their shirt, and teachers are unable to tell the difference.

Return your completed form to the Qtzgal Redemption Centre on Zeta Reticuli. You can find our address by writing to us and making a formal application to us at our address.

* Letters After My Name