Drinking the Hot Dog Water

WASHINGTON Aug. 8th, 2027 - Hospitals across the nation are flooded with cases of severe dehydration. The culprit? Hot dog water. 

This comes following the Secretary of Health’s advice to consider the wastewater leftover from boiling daily hot dog rations as a viable and healthy method of hydration in the hot summer months. He went further to suggest that, contrary to all previous studies on the effects of processed meats, hot dogs actually PREVENT colorectal cancer. 

The Secretary cautioned Americans about vaccines, but this is natural preventative medicine. The only injection officially endorsed by the CDC is of the ‘hot beef’ variety. 

This enthusiasm for the new superfood sparked the popular campaign slogan “a hotdog in every hole,” a clever variation on Herbert Hoover’s “a chicken in every pot.”

Critics say the administration could have ulterior motives. Suspicions were raised when the Oscar Meyer Wiener mobile was seen leaving the White House earlier this month. The president denies having any ties to big hot dog, but witnesses say he had specks of relish stuck in his neck folds. 

Hot dog consumption is at an all-time high which is likely due to the everything else shortage. Cooks across America are finding creative ways to use them in the kitchen from pigs in a blanket to creamy hotdog pasta Alfredo. But the most resourceful cooks know that hotdogs are good to the last drop. Hot dog water is what’s making the biggest splash this summer. 

 Fans are filling their water bottles with savory broth. Mothers are mixing it into infant formula. Athletes are using it to fuel their workouts. And Bartenders are adding it into their cocktail recipes. If curious, you might try the Glizzy Gimlet or the Footlong Island Iced Tea.

 For more on this ‘wiener fever’ we spoke with local resident Garry Summers.

“When all that hullabaloo came out about how hot dogs is a superfood, I stopped eating all that other shit. I signed the ‘no more vegetables pledge’ on the White House web site. And I started drinking hot dog water exclusively. It quenches just like mother’s milk. Every now and then I get the meat sweats, and I know that means that I’m thriving.”

- Resident, Garry Summers

 When asked about the hospitalized individuals, Mr. Summers had this to say.

 "Oh, these folks are just being dramatic. Dehydration is a mental disease. It’s mind over matter. They need to stop being queer and get right with God. For me, there is nothing better on a hot day than swigging on some tepid hot dog brine from my thermos. Yessir I am in heaven. To hell with them fresh water drinking twinkle toes. Fresh water’s for the Data Centers.”

- Resident, Garry Summers

Could hot dogs be considered an aphrodisiac? In a recent poll, subscribers said “hot dog breath” was voted the number one turn on for adults aged 18-35. 

Hot dog water has even gone luxury. We caught up with Tony Fingers, purveyor of the industry’s hottest brand at his hot dog stand turned bottling plant on Coney Island. 

"This is a dream come true for me. It’s like I’m printing money out here. I just do my thing, sellin’ hot dawgs, then I have this false bottom below the cookin’ vat. After 24 hours, when the water’s good and salty, before the insects have their way with it, I drain it into these fancy bottles and batta bing. Cash coming out my ears.”

- Owner of HD Water, Inc., Tony Fingers

 And there you have it. The best way to cool off this summer is with hot dogs. Skip the bun and the mustard, in fact, skip the hot dog and just drink the juice!