DISCLAIMER

A lot of the content on this blog is extreme, offensive, and extremely offensive. Sorry.

I am a vulgarian, I wish I wasn't, but I am. What's more: I have always been a vulgarian. I think it's because, where my parents' generation got Monty Python and The Beatles, my generation got South Park and Eminem; frankly, I think us millennials got a raw deal as far as that goes (and also housing, and the job market, and the environment, so on and so forth). The influence of such crass media has irreparably tainted my mind, so much so that, while doing some routine cleaning, I started singing "hello penis my old friend; I've come to blow six guys again" to the tune of Simon and Garfunkle's Sound of Silence. Other hits include "cut my wife into pieces, I told her to abort" to the tune of Last Resort by Papa Roach, and "chickity China, the Chinese wiggers, you play a dope beat and the slopes start spitting" to the tune of One Week by Barenaked Ladies. I am not proud of this, and I alternate between making myself laugh out loud, and slamming my car door against my head to try and put an end to these retarded thoughts.

If it's any solace, one of the reasons I created this blog was to channel disgust—with myself and humanity—into my writing, rather than become some kind of domestic terrorist or sadistic serial killer. Hopefully you can understand why this blog is therefore an act of humanitarianism on my part. If at any point you find yourself offended by this blog, ask yourself: "Would I rather this feeling of being offended, or would I rather the feeling of being degloved by a schizophrenic with an angle grinder?"

The content of this blog represents a kind-of emotional and cognitive exhaust, and it is far from my best work. Not much editing will be going into these posts, and they'll typically be uploaded on the same day they were started.

It might be fair to say that good writing is subjective, but with an important caveat: it's not that subjective, and I think it's safe to say that I am an objectively better writer than many contributors to vocal.media. I used to argue that good writing is intersubjective, a word you probably don't understand because you're not a genius like I am. Then I thought about it, and I realised that, in Mike Judge’s film Idiocracy, the movie “Ass” is, technically, an intersubjectively good film, despite it being intentionally written by Judge as the basest possible form of entertainment—or, to put it in irony poisoned alt-right terms, “most based” possible form of entertainment. Now I'm unsure whether good writing is objective, subjective, or something else entirely, but I choose to believe that there are, more or less, two categories when it comes to writing:

1. The things I write (superior).

2. The things other people write (inferior).

If you happen to find an example of bad writing in this blog, then there are a few possible explanations:

1. It's not actually bad, you just don't get it.

2. It's bad, but bad on purpose, which actually makes it good.

3. I am such a prolific writer, and I produce content at such an incredible rate that, though most of it is far better than your average writer could do even with the help of an editor and the benefit of a full working day, some stuff of questionable quality is bound to fall through the cracks.

Pretty simple, right?

So, what have we covered so far? Blowing six guys, degloving you (yes, you) with an angle grinder, how great I am, et cetera. Expect to see far worse than that (unless the good people at vocal decide to ban me, which, you know—fair enough), but always remember that this blog is the garbage disposal of my mind. Aside from this, I work on writing projects which require a greater degree of thoughtfulness, and which aim to impart some didactic lesson. In my personal life, I am tolerant, and open-minded, and generally inoffensive. Think of this blog as the literary equivalent of shitting yourself after eating a bag of prunes, or vomiting after a chemotherapy session to treat brain cancer.

To end this disclaimer, I'll leave you with some dialogue from the seventh episode of Rick and Morty, "Raising Gazorpazorp".

Morty Junior: But I want to murder everyone I see.

Morty: Well, you know—I mean—maybe there's a job out there for people that feel that way?

Brad Anderson: Actually, there is. Hi, I'm Brad Anderson, creator of the nationally syndicated comic strip, Marmaduke. You should consider being a creative. I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilations and sexual assaults on a near daily basis. But, you know, I channel it all into my work.

Morty: Oh wow, huh. I never got that impression from reading Marmaduke.

Brad Anderson: Well, did you get the impression I was trying to make you laugh?

Morty: Aw, see? You hear that, Morty Junior? Maybe you could be a creative of some kind?

Morty Junior: Maybe! I always have sort of wanted to see my face on the back of a novel—I mean, what I really want to do is slit people's throats, but beyond that...

Don't say I didn't warn you.