An Exposé on Gordon Ramsay

Today my roommate and I watched eight hours of Next Level Chef, hosted and judged by Gordon Ramsay. The show has no logic or rules or logic behind the rules, and we have no couch. We sat in two folding Bud Light lawn chairs that left scratches on the fresh paint on our walls.

Honestly, I can’t tell if Gordon Ramsay is a good chef or a TV personality. He doesn’t swear on this show, so I honestly don’t know why I’m watching it. When social media chefs put up raw dishes, he says, “what a shame.” And we GASP. And why does he say riSAHtto. I need to open a credit card.

I could be on this show. I would get eliminated in the sixth episode, because the professional chefs always win, so why do they even allow home cooks to be on it, but I could hold my own until then. But when I cook I like to drink wine, so could I do that? Home cooking is very different from professional cooking. Where is the music in professional cooking? And do they each have a mother that comes into the kitchen telling them they’re doing it wrong? And sometimes I like to snack on cheese. I guess professional chefs taste the food they’re making, they have to, but is that a meal? If I drink coffee as a meal, maybe. My organs don’t activate until I’ve had coffee, it’s true, my organs don’t work until I’ve had coffee. But then it’s 1pm and it’s time for lunch, because I woke up at noon, and I’m not even that inspired to cook because our kitchen smells like garbage and I don’t have fresh herbs. I really, really, like fresh herbs. And I want a wooden cutting board to look at. I wouldn’t use it cuz it’s a pain to clean but I would put tomatoes on it for a bit.

Do I think Gordon Ramsay cooks lunch for himself every day? Or does he get Chipotle, I would get Chipotle. What kind of underwear does he wear, and do you think he actually cares at all about these people competing on all these shows? Does he get them confused? I’m confused but only because I’m watching Tik Toks too right now, and I haven’t taken a shower since yesterday, and I can’t tell what time it is because the sun is orange and it smells like a campfire.

I would be on this show so I could cook with nice ingredients like I did in my parents’ house. They always had everything fresh, and I bought a basil plant from Trader Joe’s for my new apartment, but it wilted in an hour and I’m pretty torn up about it, and I’m sure my roommates are wondering why I bought that in the first place, and I have to learn to be myself around them now. Sometimes I don’t want to shower, so I’m gonna sit far away from my roommate so he doesn’t know. But I also bled on my vanity chair last night and he knew that so I guess I can just be gross now, we knocked down that wall. Does he want to eat anything other than quesadillas? If I could be a housewife, I could just cook and drink, have a couch, and read while I am on it, but my boyfriend says we’ll get married SOMEDAY. So what do I do these days? Rot my brain watching people cook elevated burgers, don’t forget the garnish, you always forget the garnish Shay, oh I saw him on Tik Tok once, that plate looks like shit, oh they like it, I thought it looked like shit, I don’t think I’m actually good at anything I’m just ok at a couple things but I don’t excel, I hate the suburbs but I could have a big kitchen there, but honestly I could live without a dog, I’ll have one and look at it if my boyfriend wants one and I know he does so I’m probably gonna have to start liking dogs for him, and oh my god is she going to burn the beurre blanc can you even do that, and do I actually have a distinct personality or do I just do whatever the people around me want to do, is that why I keep spending money, and how do I become creative, and who is Richard Blais, and what if I became a candle maker, and don’t you think if I didn’t go to college I’d be doing exactly what I’m doing right now?

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Good news, our lawsuit is settled and Gordon Ramsay is coming to paint our walls.