The Government, your Government, has had its difficulties recently. There have been accusations of sleaze, spin, whitewash and, most recently, less than wholesome conduct with a dead rhinoceros, but these setbacks are really just issues of presentation, and the government remains adhered to its policy of muscular modernization.
That’s why we are introducing our new plans. They form a key part of the Government’s wide-ranging, sweeping reforms, which will overturn and build on the successful wide-ranging and sweeping reforms we introduced last year.
One of the problems with the successful old reforms was that people were uncertain of their position within society. We are faced with the need to reformulate our, and by “our” I mean your, civil liberties in the context of a world where our, and by “our” I mean my, authority is under threat, and where that threat is clearly and without a shadow of doubt, you. We want to change that by screening the population and assigning you, the person in the street, a position in society based on objective rules rather than wishy-washy ideas about aspiration and hope.
This new process includes this web site, which you and every other citizen of this proud nation has been issued or, rather, been urged to purchase in order to avoid terrifying legal procedures.
After you have learnt the contents of this book off by heart, the next step in the process will involve a series of many short interviews to gauge your comprehension of the key British principle of fair play, as channelled through – and mitigated by – an eager respect of authority. In turn, the interview will help us determine whether you are going to be trouble or not.
People attending from outside the Home Counties will be allowed into the application office after inspections for head lice. Applicants using foul language outside the context of a discussion about art will be issued with vouchers for oven chips, and asked to leave.
Before you begin to read further, you must be classified according to a set of government benchmarks, which helps us to not only match you with potential employment, but also enables us to oppress you in a much more scientific and matter-of-fact manner.
We need to know: Do you own more reggae albums than is strictly necessary? Is your musky flat the habitat of a limp and feckless layabout? Do you wear the woozy, bloodshot gaze of a concussed spaniel? Do you often feel that you’re just being too polite?
Or are you a thrusting and dynamic executive with good breeding and real potential for the island-hopping highlife? Do you ski, jetski, windsurf and fly aircraft? Do you want a job in Her Majesty’s most exciting Service?
Are you a civil serf or a civil servant?
You are dimly aware that someone is following you in a car. Do you?
- | Flag them down and offer them a lift as you’re clearly heading in exactly the same direction. | 0
- | Attempt to run them off the road by swerving around in your 1997 Nissan Micra. | 2
- | Activate “Gazelle Protocol C” and garrotte them in a barn near Didcot. | 5
You hear a brief surge of white noise whenever you answer the telephone. Do you?
- | Dry your ear, turn off the shower and answer the phone properly. | 2
- | Phone MI5, witholding your number and disguising your voice by placing portions of satsuma in your mouth. | 4
- | Blow up the telephone exchange with your specially adapted Walmart fax machine. | 6
Your Caribbean beach holiday home is over-run by subversives. Do you?
- | Offer to make a nice cup of chamomile tea to calm things down a bit. | 0
- | Place everyone under citizen’s arrest and wait for the fat villain to arrive to carefully explain his over-complex and flawed masterplan to you. | 1
- | Escape to a nearby tool shed, from which you launch a devastating counter-attack with weapons fashioned from broken lawnmowers and plastic garden furniture. | 4
1-5 Civil Serf
Your innocence and naivety make you easy to keep tabs on – but, just in case, there’s a radio transmitter implanted under one of your fillings.
That’s all very well but you are still a credulous, compliant slave with a patho- logical inability to assert yourself in the face of the overwhelming power of the State. And don’t think we don’t appreci- ate it. It’s people like you who make this country what it is.
6-10 Civil Subservient Subversive
On the one hand, you are obviously a little bit paranoid and flaky. But on the other hand, who wouldn’t be when there’s a man that lives under the stairs who records your phone calls and leaves subliminal messages made out of crumbs under the toaster?Despite your fears, however, there is no question that you love your country, although this stems from a complete misunderstanding of the situation and is nothing to be proud of. Particularly in the light of the fact it’s time to turn over the page and claim your National Identity Card.
11-15 Uncivil Servant
You’ve got it, baby we want it. You are a nasty piece of work – a faceless, shad- owy, psychiatrically challenged festival of seemingly random violence. And that just turns us on.
By day, no one knows your true identity. By night, it turns out, you don’t actually have one. But you can’t hide from us for long. Come home, old thing: we may have a mission for you.