Abducted by Oracles

Every year around summer solistice, we have an almighty family get together. Each year it’s in a different home, so we select a Tetris team to go in and create a magical arrangement of tables. It's a stupendous operation, like, Guinness Book of Records levels of amazement!

This year it’s at my grandmother's which is awesome because she has a fabulous dining room, not to mention the wonderful hallways and the most amazing pieces of art to admire while you pee. My favourite painting of hers is a Van Gogh meets Tim Burton piece which is one of a cycle of seven. The dining room is a long rectangular shape that has a couple of archways leading out to the main room which the clever Tetris feckers used to make a banana-shaped jetty for the kids so that they can all see each other. See, genius!

The evening begins with the leafy greens and the ACV shots (Apple Cider Vinegar for the noobs). It’s pretty cool really, after years of battling diabetes, my family now limits our collective glucose spikes by lining our guts. This essentially means we can dive into carbs without feeling sluggish afterward. It’s also very useful before diving into a chocolate cake.

After the plates of leaves leave the table, the real show begins. A wonderful display of hands weaving in and out and up and down teasing our taste buds as the yummy plates hover past our noses.

The scent of caramel caresses my nostrils. Scallops! And, not just any scallops, golden, caramelized, scallops. Absolutely divine, I look forward to them every year. This year, as I made love to my first, I was horrified. I realised, I don’t actually know what a scallop is. Slightly devastated, I quickly revert to Amor Fati. This is the right time and the right place to find out, all is well. Sitting here, at a table full of smart arses, someone is bound to be delighted to enlighten me.

It’s all perfect! I’ve also been wanting to do a formal DING, DING, DING on a glass and say something ridiculous, so this moment is an absolute gift! I proceed in an Eminen-inspired manner.

Ding, Ding, Ding.

“May I have your attention please?”

Ding, Ding, Ding.

“May I have your attention please?”

As the chatter simmers down and the eyes look up, I continue in a serious voice. “Does anybody, seated here today, know, what a scallop is?”

I got many raised eyebrows, a few giggles, and then… crickets. Looking around at each other, shocked that no one has chirped in, we realise that we, as a collective, don't know what a scallop is.

I continue, “This here, is a formal invitation for any and all smart arses to chim in to delight us with their wisdom”

Still nothing.

“I call for a vote. Do we take these crickets as an invitation to make an exception to the no Google rule? Please raise your glass if you’re in agreement.”

With a hurrah of glasses in the air, I turn to Gerard, our Autistic Mysic, and invite him to lead the fact-finding quest. He enthusiastically agrees, rummages in his bag of tricks, and gets to work.

Moments later I got the look from Gerard and I took this as an invitation for another,

Ding, Ding, Ding!

Gerard stands, fixes his tie, and unrolls a scroll. He continues drly “As per Wikipedia, In many parts of the world, when people eat scallops, the adductor muscles are the only part of the animal which is eaten. Furthermore, the seashell consists of two similarly shaped valves, devoid of teeth, producing a pair of flat wings sometimes called auricles".

He rolls up the scroll, nods, and takes his seat.

By the puzzled faces, it seems that the information hasn't quite been digested.

Gerads sister Lily often acts as a mystic translator so she has picked up on this. As she takes a stand to translate, there is an almighty shriek from the arches.

“Nooooo!!!!! Don’t let the Oracles Abduct us!!!!”