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You Don't Want To Resolve Your Relationship Issues? Good.

Sometimes the right thing to do is the worst.

By Ellen "Jelly" McRaePublished 4 months ago 6 min read
Image created on Canva

There are two people in my life who are currently at war with each other. And boy is it awkward.

It started off with fights, angry words, and tense exchanges but now it's just turned into full-blown icing each other out.

No more words, only deafening silence.

It's pretty hard for everyone in the middle. From the outside, we all want the war to end and for everyone to become civil again. It would alleviate the need to take sides. And this would remove the need for extra consoling post-arguments.

As for the tension, the future would look far brighter if this war came to an end. If their relationship issues disappeared, the world would righten itself.

Alas, these two parties aren't even interested in resolving their relationship issues. They're not ready to even be in the same room with each other, if ever.

And from the sides of both parties doing battle, this situation is fine just the way it is. Resolving issues isn't a good idea.

Now I know that sounds counterintuitive to everything we know about resolving fights and moving through relationship issues. But if two people don't want to sort out their problems, that's great.

Here's why.

When you're not ready, it's a disaster

People are going to push you to resolve a fight with another loved one, especially if they're in the middle of it.

It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out what selfish motives lie behind the desire.

Despite the way they paint this desire as a selfless wish for you, in reality, they want the tension to end for them. They're sick of picking sides and hearing about your issues. They only have so much energy to give to your issues and, when it hits that point, they want it all over.

But their selfish desire doesn't mean you're ready to do it. They might have hit their limit but you might be long and far from even entertaining the idea of reconciliation.

When you're pushed into resolving your issues, it's a disaster waiting to happen. 

No good can come from two people pushed together. You're only going to end up making the situation worse in the long run.

And by the way, this isn't a time when pushing is for your own good. There's no law, no rules to say you ever have to make up with this person.

When it's to make other people happy, you will crash and burn

You will have heard this before. Don't do anything to please other people. Do things to keep you happy.

And whilst you're rolling your eyes and thinking you know this already, you need to remember this when people inevitably put pressure on you to resolve your relationship issues.

They're not going to remember the "selfishness" when they want you to sort out your problems. They're only to go think about how it affects them and push you in a way that makes it better for them.

Resolving relationship issues to please other people ends up in you resenting the person you're trying to keep happy.

You might not know you're feeling such resentment until you can't explain this niggling frustration you have. It's like a parent telling you what to do when you're all grown up. You get annoyed because you feel like you can make your own decisions. Yet this person doesn't trust that you can, so they tell you what to do.

No prizes for guessing how this resentment results in all new relationship issues with the person pushing reconciliation.

And that's the last thing you need, right? More problems don't make either situation any better.

Fights help put other parts of life into perspective

I am a big advocate for having arguments with people. I don't think any problem should turn physical, or even yelling and screaming. That's not the type of argument I'm talking about.

I'm talking about hashing out your issues with people in your life and getting to the root of problems with complete honesty.

Sure, there are issues that stem from arguing. You might hear some truths, or say them, and that can feel uncomfortable for everyone. Yet, this uncomfortable feeling is worth it. 

You need to hear those things. 

You need to know how your loved ones are feeling. You need to be able to say what you're feeling.

You could say you now have the information you need to make better decisions.

And during that awkward time between these arguments and resolving them you learn about what you want in life. You can make better decisions.

What I love about arguments the most, is from these challenges, you work out who you want in your life. And who you don't. 

During a standoff between you and a loved one, you either miss people or you don't. You either stop being irrationally angry with them or you don't.

You also work out what matters are worth fighting for. If you find yourself digging in your heels about a small issue, the problem must mean to you more than you think. 

And if you go to sleep not caring about the problem you fought over, perhaps the issues aren't worth the argument. It's all about silence and separation. 

When you have time to think, analyse and properly contemplate, you can come to understand what means most.

People need to understand how angry you are

Sometimes, you have to be a stubborn ass, unwilling to resolve a fight, in order to make a point.

I don't like the idea of making a point like this. It can seem childish; it's like stomping your feet and making a fuss to get people's attention.

But in a world where everyone has such a public opinion, not to mention the constant noise, you have to make some noise to get your point across.

Depending on your relationship with the people in your life, you can also have many issues being taken seriously.

Sometimes the youngest in the family has to make grand gestures to show they're no longer the "baby" everyone sees them as.

At work, you have to pull off a big project before the boss trusts you with important clients.

This is the relationship equivalent. Your loved ones will take your thoughts and feelings seriously once you show them how steadfast you are about them.

People don't deserve your love and forgiveness

It's probably not the noble, honourable thing to say about relationships, but I don't believe everyone deserves a second chance.

Sometimes it's not a second; it's more like a tenth, twentieth, or hundredth chance. But as we feel obliged by society, to forgive and forget, we end up letting people in our lives get away with too much. 

They get away with things that challenge our values and beliefs beyond recognition. 

This isn't fair to anyone, especially not you.

The troubling thing is that everyone has someone they can't forgive for what they've done. Even if for the smallest of things. 

We have people we're not friends with anymore for a reason. Think about romantic breakups. That's a situation where it's socially acceptable to not be able to reconcile our differences and forgive.

Why this rule doesn't apply to greater relationships baffles me. People, no matter their relationship with you, should be treated the same way.

Their actions speak volumes, and so do their words. 

And if their words and their actions don't meet, you shouldn't have to put up with it.


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About the Creator

Ellen "Jelly" McRae

I’m here to use my wins and losses in #relationships as your cautionary tale | Writes 1LD; Cautionary tale #romance fiction |

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  • suman mohan3 months ago

    Excellent story

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