You are allowed to leave your toxic marriage

I didn't expect to get married. I'm a mate-for-life, faithful-till-the-very-end, monogamy-loving type. I believe in big love and am a romantic. I view marriage vows as a cosmic contract. I am also a realist about life's ups and downs. I see life-long partnership in a collaborative effort and evolution.

But I did get divorced after an eight-and-a-half-year marriage and 18-year friendship-turned-relationship with my ex.

My story

Before I married him, I had known my ex-husband for over a decade. When we met, we were both 10 and 12, and were best friends by high school. I went to college in another country, my controlling parents became involved in our budding romance, which led to a long and complicated relationship with our families.

I can still remember gazing into his eyes during the wedding ceremony. I was so happy to see my vows pour from my heart. My face split with the biggest smile I have ever seen and I felt deep joy. It was that simple. I knew exactly what I was doing. It was a serious decision. It would be hard work. But I also knew that I was looking into my best friend, my partner and my person. I loved him and he loved me. He made me feel secure and understood. I stood there, under a cotton candy pink sunset on the gentle lapping shores Lake Michigan, and gave my life and heart to him.

Unfortunately, the person with which I left the wedding reception hours later wasn't the same person I had known for a decade. It was a rapid change. He slept through the honeymoon and barely interacted with us. I, a newly married bride, sat in my new lingerie and wept in our living room wondering what was wrong and why he didn’t want me.

Over time, the truth emerged in stages. To be exact, eight and a half year. It was the story that many of us have lived.

He said he was too young to marry.

He said he had to play on the field.

He said he wanted to see if I could do better than him because I was his only female date.

He said he didn't love me romantically, but he had misunderstood his friendship with me as romantic love.

He said he was not attracted to me.

He explained to me that he had realized in college that if someone didn't marry him, he would have to marry another person and would not be able access me the same way he used to enjoy being my best friend. He married me to avoid sharing me with another person.

Our divorce was not without a lot of lies. There was a lot of porn. After a hard day at work, strip clubs were his preferred way to cope. He would wear me down for weeks trying to convince me to go with him. He made it a condition for his love. I would go with him if I loved him. I didn't want. I wept, my make-up running down me, remnants of my attempt to be attractive enough to attract him. I begged. I told them how disrespectful and degrading it made me feel. I walked out of a New Orleans strip club because it was too much for me. I walked alone across the city to get back to my hotel in the middle of the night, trying to not be noticed as I wept.

Externally, I continued to act as if we were in a perfect marriage. As his wife, that's what I was supposed do. Protect his reputation and love him unconditionally. Behind the scenes, however, I was actually dying inside. I wrote him letters. I sat down with him, and shared my feelings and how his actions had hurt me and our relationship. I tried to be kind and gentle. I tried shouting, name-calling and raging. I tried being mean and sarcastic. I tried logic. To make it work, I had to compromise my values in order to be able to accept his.

After I left for work, I found a shoe belonging to a woman in my friend's car. It was a black ballet shoe and looked just like one of my closest friends. It was her size. He told me that he had wanted to spend time with her years ago. He claimed that someone had accidentally got into his car and left her shoes there.

Although I didn't have any evidence that I was cheating, there were signs. Leaving the office at night. Daily deletion of his entire text message inbox. He has not had sex in almost a whole year, regardless of how hard I tried to get at him.

Yet, I stayed. For many reasons, I stayed.

He was my best friend.

I made vows to him.

Your marriage is not to be abandoned

It's not your job to lose heart.

I believed the real him was the one I grew up knowing, that he was going through a phase and that I would eventually get back the man that I thought I was marrying.

After he took a job without my consent, and against my request to not, I gave up my career and followed him around. It was a difficult job that required many moves. I didn't have insurance so my income was based on the job-hopping I had listed on my resume. It was difficult to find jobs that would pay my bills, so I decided to leave.

My mental health and self-worth suffered greatly from my experiences in the porn and strip club worlds. He didn't want me as much, no matter what I did. I told him how his choices had impacted me and he also saw evidence in my meltdowns and depression and the hours spent hiding in the bathroom crying and hiding in the bedroom.

Sometimes I would bring up the topic of divorce, telling him that I couldn't handle it anymore. However, I didn't follow through. It's not a good idea to abandon your partner. You shouldn't give up on your relationship.

He did in the end. One day he called me to tell me he didn’t love me and wanted to get a divorce so that he could play the field, and see if his skills could beat mine. He said that he realized after eight years of marriage that he was not ready to be married and even in a relationship. After many years of asking him, he finally agreed that he would like to attend marriage counseling.

We probably only got through three to four sessions. The counselor had nothing to do with what I had already shared with him throughout our marriage. We quickly identified what was necessary to make our marriage work. As the counselor asked my ex, we sat on separate couches while she asked "Can you love Amanda? Do you want to prioritize her and end the porn and strip club?"

My ex was very concise in her answer. "No."

I turned to the counselor. I looked at the counselor. It was over for us all at that point.

The counselor looked at me. "Amanda! I believe you should get a lawyer." He will run over you."

My ex-girlfriend. My ex. My partner and best friend. His answer was clear again. "He's right. "You should hire a lawyer."

What I Learned

These are the two most important lessons I have learned.

1. You can stand up to your partner if they are treating you in a negative way.

Walk. Away.

This is what I wish that I would have done. I regret that I allowed my ex to continue his abusive behavior until he left me. You can choose to stay with your ex if you don't want to be the one to leave toxic behavior.

2. All things can be boiled down to love and appreciation for yourself.

If you value yourself and love your partner, you won’t be able to tolerate poor treatment. Your person. You are the only one. Your person. You will be the love of your life.

It was a difficult and long road to get out of that relationship. It was difficult to accept the narcissism of my ex. It was difficult to accept that he had abused me for nearly a decade. It was difficult to accept my mistaken belief that your spouse should not be married if you are physically or sexually abusing them. It was difficult to accept how little I loved and valued myself over those years. It was particularly difficult to accept how I had compromised my values in trying to make it work. I spent hours crying in my closet, in the kitchen and in the bathroom.

These realizations are painful. Hard. They will let you go if you are willing to sit with them and accept the truth. You will learn:

The most important relationship that you can have with yourself is the one you have with yourself.

-You cannot fix someone else. You can't fix your partner lying. You can't fix your partner cheating. Your partner's unhealed hurts won't make them behave in toxic ways. It is impossible to fix the inability of your partner to love you or yourself.

While no one is perfect, a healthy partner will show genuine remorse and apologize when they make mistakes. They will also work with you to fix the relationship. Because this is their relationship, they will take responsibility.

-A person who engages in behavior that you tell them is harmful does not love or care about you. This one is hard. If it hurts, you can sit in it for a while. This one was the worst.

If your partner is not able to prioritize you when it's important, then they may not be your true partner. There are times when one person in a relationship must prioritize another thing, but this should be communicated and limited in time.

A safe partner is able to love and accept themselves. They are able to prioritize their own well-being so that they can be energized and able to contribute to the relationship.

A safe partner will respect and honor your boundaries. They won't manipulate or gaslight you. They will also respect your boundaries.

One person cannot keep a relationship together. It is not a relationship if one person holds the other together.

If you become the worst version you can be with someone (or because of their actions, see what I have said about name-calling and sarcasm and compromising my values), you are not in a safe or healthy environment.

-We make the best decisions with the information we have at the time. You can forgive yourself if you choose the wrong partner.

You don't have to pick the wrong partner to be a bad person.

It is a sign of self-love to leave a toxic person.

You cannot make someone love you.

It was all worth it because I finally learned to love myself. I found myself deeply in love with me and was able to see my intrinsic value, my worthiness. This was the turning point in my life. This realization, along with the realization that I am the love and life of my dreams, brought me to a place in which I could have a fulfilling, healthy, safe, passionate relationship.

I send you light and love if you are in a bad relationship or marriage.