Words in my Head

I said something to someone yesterday, and the response was that it wasn't a nice thing to say. This person is not just any person, it was the father of my son.

Now, I keep a lot inside. It's not like I have all kinds of mean thoughts, I don't. I have simply always thought about what I say and have never wanted my words to hurt anyone, like I have been hurt by them and seen others hurt.

"Hurt" is a relative thing. I think I have always known that. And I do believe "feeling" is a choice we make. Mostly I live my life not being offended or "hurt" by anything. (read The Four Agreements).

Since my mom died last year though, I have had this sense of being totally alone in the world.

I spoke with my mom everyday if possible since I moved out here, and if not, we texted. I knew that if I required anything, even if it was only a non-judgemental ear, she would move heaven and earth to assist. We were best friends.

Having that go away has brought about this feeling of being totally alone in the world. Gone is that ear to listen, the words telling me I can do anything, and the security of the knowledge that I had someone in the world who gave a damn about me and my son.

I am not ususally a dramatic person. I do not gossip, watch reality shows, or create it in my life within relationships. This though, these thoughts, I must get out. And since I do not have someone to talk to like my mom, I came here, to write.

Moving here was my dream. A dream that took 8 years and a suprising choice to just do it. I had come off of a failed business, was in the middle of a dying marriage, had the loss of my dad, and got so sick I felt like I was going to die. The choice, scary as it was, lightened up my whole world.

I have read that things never come the way you expect them to when they come. And boy did I learn that with the move!

Things fell right into place at first even if not how I had dreamed they would, and then one setback after the other. And just when things started rolling along, I was killing it at work, just got a promotion, took my first 10 day vacation ( stayed home) and was excited about the future, The Pandemic hit.

Okay. Weird. I bet we ALL thought we would never see something like that. And the aftershocks! Restaurants closing, people losing their jobs, their homes, their relationships, their people, human contact, affection. Panic buying produced shortages, global supply chain issues, delays in shipping, constuction, rising prices, life moving on.

People changed too. I know I did. I took the time to grow my awareness, to get closer to the magic I knew existed in the world and knew it started with getting to really know me. I was able to roll with things with ease, not panic when those around me thought the world was ending, and had the firm belief things would work out because they always have.

I was learning to BE.

Last year. What do I even say about last year.

Things at work became more challenging, financial obligations came to the fore, and my mom, my best friend, died.

Today, I go and sell the last of the jewelry I own so I can keep a roof over my head for the next two weeks until rent is due again. The very last of covid back rent is due and with inflation, and the falling stock market, my investments are no where near covering my requirements.

I reached out to the only person I thought might assist my son and I, his father. The not nice thing I said to him after he told me no and asked if there was anyone else I could ask, was this: "There is not one person on the planet that gives a damn."

That was not a dramatic statement meant to wound, it was my belief in that moment, yet wounded he was. Actions, his actions past and present, spoke much louder than any claim. And oddly enough, I felt bad for asking him, putting him on the spot, then blaming him somehow for not meeting my expectation of what "a dad who cares" would choose to do. All this was a wake up call for me as I have not DONE expectation in like forever!

I have been going back and forth in my head about these "feelings" that keep popping up for me; alone, no one to rely one, no one that cares. The thing I keep coming back to is that I have always actually BEEN alone.

I had a dream once when I was so young that stuck with me it was so vivid. My mom dropped me off, a little girl, in front of a huge brick building on a street full of them and drove away. She was in a convertable and waving she would be right back, she was going to park the car. While I stood there waiting for what seemed like an awfully long time, the bricks started to fall off the building around me. I can still see little me and feel what she felt as the people walking down the sidewalk screamed and ran, trying to avoid the bricks, ignoring the little girl crying for her mom. And I remember little me waking up from that dream. Alone.

I am an only child, I was used to entertaining myself, and was in the company of adults more than with those my own age growing up. Most of the time I was left to my own devices. I have worlds, these dimensions in my head that crash around my imagination like waves on a rocky shore. I see the world...different.

Those things do inherently make for a "lonely" existence I suppose, and while I do not often feel lonely, this sense of being alone has me wondering.

Do I have what it takes to have my own back? To create the life I would like for myself by myself? Will I choose it? Or will I fail?

I am no stranger to failure, but this failure surely will mean homelessness.

And boy am I tired of Hard. What to do?

A mantra I love is this: All of life comes to me with ease, joy, and glory.

It has changed how I exist in the world. Struggles come, and I meet them with ease, Magic comes, and joy, I have me with glory.

I am asking now, and have been asking for not only ease, but EASY.

These are the things that have been with me over the past year, and getting it out here has definitely lightened things up.

Will I cry when the jewelry goes? Probably. Will it be enough? Who can tell.

The one take away I have from ALLLL of this is:

Gratitude is EVERYTHING.

It is the fairy dust of creation. It is the thing that changes molecules. So today as I walk to that gold buyer, I will think of all I am grateful for down to the littlest thing.

And maybe, just maybe, things will change for the easier.