Words I Wish You Would've Heard

Sometimes I think about the fact that it's been 10 months. 10 months since I was supposed to see you, and experience something for the first time with you. 10 months since I was planning to drop down on one knee and ask you one of the biggest questions a person could ask. 10 months since I was trying to pay for a $1700.00 vacation that was reworked to include you, and a custom $1200.00 engagement ring. 10 months since you said you wanted to do something else that would have brought the vacation to $2500.00. 10 months since I said I couldn't afford the extra $800 thing you wanted to do.

10 months since you got angry with me for not being able to afford another $800 because it was the only thing you wanted to do.

10 months since you blocked me, and erased me out of every aspect of your life in 12 hours.

For a while, I was hurt. For a while, I didn't quite understand why you couldn't understand what I was trying to tell you. For a while, I was angry because I couldn't believe that a simple $800 worth of me saying "No." caused you to forget the multiple times you would say "I love you." in a day. For a while, I was furious because the second I let it drop that I was trying to pay for a $1200.00 engagement ring, and the $1700.00 vacation you suddenly forgot everything that happened when I told you "No."

For a while, I was certain you were just after the money. After someone to shower you in adoration that you could use as a stone to lift yourself up. For a while, I swore I wouldn't care for you a moment more. For a while, I doubted that I meant a thing to you because within 12 hours of me calling you on your shit you had not only blocked me across all of your social media, and cell phone but you had completely erased me out of photos, captions, and anything else that revealed we had ever been in a relationship for a year.

12 hours, and you had erased a year and sent friends to try and attack me publicly.

10 months, and I haven't forgotten a word of what was said. 10 months and I'm not quite as angry anymore. 10 months, and I still wonder why I wasn't enough for the person I thought I knew.

I wish you could have heard me when I said I couldn't. I wish you could have understood that me saying I can't do something, especially something for someone who means the world to me, took more out of me than my whole lifetime. I wish you could have understood that I was hurt and that instead of arguing while I was at work we needed to talk later. I wish you could have understood that me taking a moment, that me pausing from our argument -- from the argument that I didn't even understand why we were having -- was because I didn't want to say something I'd regret. Because I was hurt.

I wish you could have understood that I don't have a family with money that could pay for my housing and my food bills. That 'just' $800 is a month's rent payment now for myself and my son. I wish you could have understood that I just wanted to see you, that I wanted to spend time with you, and that everything else was the icing on the cake. I wish you could have understood that the extra events you wanted to participate in didn't mean shit in the span of the week I was going to get to spend time with you. I wish you could have understood how petty it was that you were unwilling to pause and think about how you were reacting.

I wish you could have met my confusion and silence with an apology. I wish you could have understood that the reason I finally got angry was that you weren't listening. I wish you could have recognized that you were part of the problem, that relationships work because when people argue they are both at fault. I wish you could have understood why I was furious when I let slip I was getting you a ring and immediately your whole temperament changed.

I wish you could have realized what you told me at that moment, what you made me realize.

I wish you could have apologized sincerely, not for getting angry but for how you reacted while you were angry. I understand you were disappointed. I understand you were sad and hurt that we couldn't do just one more thing that you'd wanted to do. I understand that life isn't fair sometimes.

What I don't understand, even after 10 months, is how you can mean everything to a person and in 12 hours it's like you never had a relationship. What I don't understand, even after 10 months, is how a ticketed event was the breaking point for us. I don't understand ...

10 months, and I still don't understand why what I did was wrong.

I still don't understand why I wasn't good enough to make up for $800.