Why We Struggle to Keep Our Promises

David made a promise to Susan, whom he had met a couple times and fancied. He would ring her as soon as he got in from work that day, he told her. She waited eagerly for his call because they were just getting to know each other and she was keen to have contact. But just before he was due to ring her, he got another call from a friend and was totally distracted by it. Susan lost out because he forgot. Later he texted to apologise and suggested another call for the next day. However, he was busy dealing with so many priorities, he forgot her again. He also reckoned on the ‘Treat ‘em mean and keep ‘em keen’ approach, Except that Susan didn’t know about that!

This time she sent a text to remind him that he hadn’t called twice. He said he forgot, apologised again, but complained of feeling ‘hassled’ and made a third promise which he did not keep either. That last broken promise did it for her. She assumed he was not interested, or worth it, and stopped waiting. He also didn’t call again because he felt guilty.

One of the worst experiences in life for an individual is a broken promise, as revealed by people who have had issues with job applications, like booked calls not carried through, or job-related promises that fell flat with no explanations. In fact, we all have moments when we make a promise to someone and cannot keep it, for a variety of reasons. That is understandable. However, when there is a definite pattern in breaking promises, it suggests four key things:

1. That the person to whom the promise is made is not really a priority in the scheme of things; certainly not as valued as others.

2. That the person making the promise is trying to please too many people at once, perhaps to impress, but failing miserably.

3. That the promise itself is not perceived as important enough to be kept.

4. That the person making the promise has neither the know how, capacity, or resources to fulfil the promise, and is afraid to admit it.

However, promises mean a lot to many people because they not only suggest appreciation, value and empathy, but also carry some anticipation and pleasure in fulfilment. For one party, the effect of broken promises is usually resentment, undue anxiety, missed opportunities and a lack of trust in future promises. For the other, it creates a chain of guilt and feelings of incapacity, inadequacy and even anger. Furthermore, a promise prevents alternative action being taken, which means everyone loses out all round.

Perceptions of Broken Promises

Broken promises also give a feeling of false competence. They keep the person stuck in a mode of regret and are rarely associated with success. The most successful people tend to value others and keep their word because it demonstrates integrity - a key attribute for achievement. Finally, if not handled sensitively, broken promises can cause ill feeling, damage friendships, and even lose business.

For example, by promising to call, it gave Susan the perception and feeling that David liked her; that there was the possibility of a friendship, and perhaps something else developing. However, if David did not promise to call Susan on various occasions, she would not expect him to do it then feel disappointed when he didn’t keep his word. Neither would he end up feeling ‘hassled’ by her. More importantly, Susan might have called David instead!

It means they would have both benefited from the contact and it would have lessened their anxieties, especially when David was under pressure. He would not have felt obliged in any way to get in touch when he couldn’t, and he would have felt much better about himself, his capabilities and his pulling power. The first call would also have sorted out whether they wanted to talk again to any extent, which would have helped both parties to move on briskly, in one way or another. Sometimes the habits we develop over a lifetime can be very limiting, both in their effect on us and on others.

Most people don’t mind a broken promise on odd occasions. We all do it at times through the pressure of living. But, if it becomes a pattern, it then becomes part of our personality and is a pointer to how we treat others for our own feeling of power. It really does not suggest enough respect for the person on the receiving end and would also be irritating to them to some measure. It is also a desire for approval why we make promises to too many people and end up not keeping any, which then makes us feel worse and loses us friends.

If you find yourself prone to breaking promises, you could try these few useful tips.

• First, ask yourself, why you break promises, and try to limit your commitments in any one day. It means you will only promise anything when it feels genuine, you will have more chance of carrying it out, especially if you are not committed to too many people or activities, and it will be appreciated even more.

• If you have no intention of calling someone, or doing something for them, DON’T promise it. They won’t be anxiously waiting and you won’t have any guilt. It might boost your ego and esteem to keep people dangling, but it only upsets everyone in the end.

• The best kind of friendship and approach is doing a job or favour when you FEEL like it, and not if you feel obliged. Nothing should feel forced or pressured as it merely breeds resentment.

• Note the four reasons mentioned above for not keeping your promises and try to remedy whichever one applies to you to break the cycle of disappointment it might be causing. If you are breaking your promises repeatedly to one person, chances are you are probably doing the same to others. It not only leaves some unhappy people in its wake but it destroys your credibility in the process.

We are all very busy people but the main thing to bear in mind is that, with time being limited, nothing is more important than our interaction with another human being.

Just think, that if you promised a dear friend or relative to call or visit them, and you didn’t do it, then that person passed the next day, you would never forget that for the rest of your life!

So ALWAYS try to keep a promise, or don’t make one at all.