Why Lying Will Pretty Much Always Damage Your Relationships

Every single person has told at least some lies in their relationships, many for seemingly good reasons. Yes, you look thin in those pants. No, I didn't hear about it. No, I would never say that about you. Yes, I completely agree.

Lying usually seems to serve a purpose: to preserve good feelings. We do not want to offend those whose company we enjoy and those we care about. This is an understandable belief—after all, we do not feel comfortable violating social norms and sparking conflict all in the name of some deontological principle of honesty.

This is a commonly-held belief, and one I can empathize with, yet it is one I stand firmly against for two reasons.

Firstly, lying does not actually serve the purpose we hope and think it does, not in the long run. Lying does not always succeed in sparing bad feelings, but can worsen them.

Lying becomes less and less difficult over time. The more lies you tell, the more comfortable you will become with lying. Eventually, you will, in fact, be generally comfortable enough with the act to get out of obligations you do not wish to attend or to gain the like and respect of others.

In his book Lying, author and public intellectual Sam Harris recounts the story of a reader who was out with a friend. Said friend called another friend and told her an elaborate story about her child being sick so that she would not have to attend a later obligation. Little did this woman know that, by lying to one friend in the presence of another, she had unveiled to her friend a revelation: She had been lied to before, too.

Imagine if this woman had simply told her friend the truth: that she was tired and did not feel she would enjoy going out that night. How would the consequences of her other friendship be different?

Becoming frequent in the habit of lying will inevitably rock the trust of a relationship. It can take much discussion, emotional turmoil, and sometimes even professional help to overcome a lie in a relationship. Even the smallest of lies can snowball into something larger, such as when your expressed opinion is different among varying sets of people.

Also consider what you are actually doing when you hide the truth from your partner, spouse, sibling, parent, or friend. You are concealing your true opinion or belief in the name of keeping the other person what you perceive to be happy. To start, how do you know that the lie will make this person happier in the long run? Then, if you truly believe that the consequences of the relationship would be severe from you telling the truth, then do you think this person really cares about you for your true self?

Secondly, lying stunts personal growth in both individuals and relationships.

Lying provides a good example of this idea when Harris recalls a past experience with a friend who asked Harris if he looked overweight. Rather than wishing to spare his feelings, Harris honestly answered in the affirmative. The friend did not become angry and end the relationship, rather, he used Harris's feedback as motivation to drop pounds. Indeed he did and improved his health and appearance through hard work and dedication. Harris points out that the consequences would have been much less positive in this scenario if he had taken the polite route of lying and saying that he did not look overweight.

We must accept the truth, even hard truths, in order to grow. If a couple perpetually avoids what they know will be a severe disagreement, resent will build over time, and deeper levels of emotional intimacy will never be reached. If a person cannot admit their flaws, they can never work at fixing them.

Lying is not aligned with reality. If we cannot accept reality, how can we be sure enough of the facts to better ourselves and our relationships?