Why Long Relationships Go Stale - And 7 Ways To Reverse It

If you have been with someone for a long time, it could feel as though the original sparkle has gone, you don't really love that person anymore, or some sadness and neglect at being taken for granted. Time has a way of affecting relationships in unforeseen ways.

Once people feel comfortable and secure together, or have got used to each other, long relationships often become stale because of the tendency to go into a rigid routine of familiarity, and to take partners for granted; to feel that the romantic niceties are not needed anymore, and to be unwittingly mean with showing appreciation and value. In time, such relationships become affected by three main things: unfulfilled expectations, which cause frustration and resentment, boredom with the same person, and emotional neglect.

If those are not addressed, long term problems are likely to develop, often turning into an awkward and negative pattern of accommodation between the couple. In such instances, communication and activities tend to dry up first, affection goes next, rapidly followed by an absence of sex.

It is not easy for couples in stale relationships to get their groove back because of the negative habits they develop to cope with their situation. But if spouses aim to follow seven simple approaches, there could be a dramatic, and sustained, difference in the relationship.

• Be Spontaneous: Remember those courting days, the headiness you felt at meeting each other, the heart skipping a beat and the sheer joy of being together. Well, forget you are a couple and pretend you are just meeting again. Recreate that feeling with spontaneous, and unexpected, acts of love, at least once each week. How about buying some roses? Sending some text messages of love? Calling him unexpectedly to say how much he means to you? Taking her to a concert? Playing silly games with each other? Going for a long walk together holding hands and reminiscing on the great times you have already shared, and the memories you’ve created? The list of appreciation is endless, and open to much creativity.

• Maintain relational closeness with more curiosity. Many couples mistakenly believe that they already know everything their partner thinks and feels. This often leads to 'stale' interactions because they stop asking questions. Stale relationships focus on routine trivia (e.g., “Did you pick up the milk?”). Curious relationships focus on the individual as a vibrant human being (e.g., “What’s a goal you’ve been thinking about lately?” or “How has your perspective on [topic] changed this year?”). Curiosity encourages you to view your partner not as a fixed book you’ve already read, but as an ever-evolving person who still has dreams and ambitions. Curiosity also drives couples to try new activities together. This triggers the release of dopamine and oxytocin, the same chemicals present during the “honeymoon phase,” effectively rewiring the brain to associate excitement with the partner, instead of predictability.

• Tell the person that you love/appreciate/desire them as often as possible, and in different ways. Do not think that they should ‘know that by now’. Big mistake. You should SAY IT! Often people keep doing things for their loved ones yet seldom hear a word of appreciation, as though there is a law against it. Always remember that whatever you tell that partner might one day be the last thing they hear from you. Don’t be mean with the praise or affirmation. It could make much more of a difference than you think.

• Put aside time every week just for you both. You could call it your ‘Getting Acquainted Time’ to learn even more about each other. A time to truly communicate and share your joys, fears, aspirations and anxieties. Often people are not heard because they either feel reluctant to talk, or the other person has no time for them. Go somewhere else, if necessary, to get that quality time. Talk about the things you both value and share: like me and my boyfriend who love current affairs, we are always walking at some point during the day, while trying to put the world to rights! We might be discussing politics or games we’ve played, etc., but those daily discussions and just being together in an activity keep us connected.

• Get a Weekend Break at least once every three months. It doesn’t matter where you go, even if it is only 10 miles away, but go somewhere: perhaps to explore a resort, to walk by the sea, to Paris or Venice, London or New York, but get packing. Exploring places together often stops you both settling into a rut by providing new experiences, knowledge and stimulation to both enjoy and discuss

• In the summer, do summery things: Go to an open air theatre once in a while, or just go to the local park, take a picnic and a couple of books, lie on the grass resting your head on each other, and simply relax. It is the most soothing and loving sensation to forget the world while you both bask in the pleasure of each other and enjoy an entertaining read.

• This is very obvious but important, and it’s to have sex, sex, and more sex! Being in a long relationship is not a time to wind down the love, as many couples do, especially if children are older or have left home. This is the time to behave disgracefully. Spend whole days in bed when you can, making love and chatting in between, eating grapes and erotic fruits and just enjoying each other’s bodies. Get out of the rut of just bedroom sex, too. Try new places like the sitting room, bathroom, dining table? Have a field day with abandon and do whatever feels natural to you both. Spontaneity and flexibility make sex more exciting and retain its appeal.

According to the scientists and doctors, sex has numerous health benefits, like lowering your blood pressure, helping you to sleep, lessening pain, lowering the risk of heart disease and, for men, in particular, making prostate cancer less likely. So spicing up your relationship with even more sex is the best tonic, mainly because once sex is absent from your relationship, it is a big danger sign. That’s also how affairs begin as people start to look outwards to others to feel valued, and to get what is missing at home.

These are just a few of the ways you can keep your relationship fresh and nurturing, but the key point is doing something loving that feels comfortable to YOU. The emphasis is on love, consistency and regularity, surprise and personal value. If you can quietly work on these seven elements in your relationship, without any fuss or bother, it will always maintain that loving, warm feeling of closeness and enjoyment you both felt when you met - and I’m certainly speaking from experience!