Why I Was Skinny Until I Was 30

After recently talking to various people in my life, it would seem that every generation has their own take on lunch time at school. What should be a 30 minute period of relaxation and rejuvenation, is just the opposite for many students, then and now. My mother-in-law shared that she was too worried about her girlish figure to eat lunch at school (sometime around 1960). My wife shared that she was always anxious when checking out at the cashier in the lunch line because her father, the school superintendent, paid in advance for her lunch (early 90's). She worried it would be perceived that she was getting a free lunch. A friend of the family shared a story of one of her students having their lunch thrown away because they had an unpaid lunch tab (2019). She did promptly rectify this situation and the child did eventually get their lunch that day, but the stress that must have caused that child! My sister, who is 16 years my senior, said she would throw her lunch away because she was often sent with tuna and egg salad, and it smelled so bad she would get teased by the other kids. Not being teased was more important than eating lunch.

Life is full of inequity. No matter who you are really, there is always someone bigger, better, more important, smarter, richer, wiser, funnier...it is just a fact of life and how we deal with this truth, I believe starts in the lunchroom.

I grew up poor. Although at the time, I don't really recall feeling those differences until I got to Junior High School. That's when I started comparing myself to others and the differences between classes began to shine brightly in my eyes, sometimes blinding me completely.

I did not take my lunch as a child. I received a "free lunch". A free lunch. Just the term itself evokes feelings of sheer panic within me. The message in this child's mind wasn't being thankful that I was able to eat lunch at no cost to my family, the message was I was getting a free lunch because I was poor and my mother had no money to provide lunch for me. Why was that the message? That was the message because every time I had to present that neon pink free lunch card, everyone within a 50 foot radius was able to see it. There was no hiding it, no denying its existence...it had to leave my pocket and be transferred to the lunch lady at what seemed to be slow motion every single day if I wanted to sustain my body with nutrients. Kids are cruel and they will find any little flaw in each other’s existence to make themselves feel superior. That free lunch card and the child holding it was such an easy mark. No disputing it.

Then of course there was the “did you bring money for ice cream?” dilemma. That created a little more separation between the haves and have nots. As if that wasn’t enough and to make matters worse, eventually my high school went from everyone having the same lunch options to putting in an ala cart section. Here, providing you had money, you could choose from all sorts of delicious options. Hamburgers, pizza, fries, etc. IF you had money.

Many things in childhood that created inequity could be explained away or lied about, but you were stripped naked in that lunchroom. You were exposed, because the reality of what you possessed (or didn't) to care for a basic need for food and drink was there for all to see! I became an expert at avoidance. I became an introvert. If I didn’t talk to people and allow people into my life, I would not have to explain these differences between me and others, those differences that made me feel less than others. But the free lunch card. There was no lie that could cover it and no way to avoid it, other than not eating lunch at school. So, that is precisely what ended up happening. No lunch so no need for the free lunch card to be displayed for all to see. I convinced myself I wasn’t hungry. I would tell others that I was not hungry. I can assure you I was starving, because it was rare we had enough food in our home to satisfy us and I always made sure my brother came first. Not feeling the shame of possessing that card was more important than my physical comfort.

This was a bad habit that I started for myself. I was so concerned about not wanting people to know that I suffered from food insecurity at home that the lie about not being hungry started spilling over outside of school. When I would go to a friend’s home I would never eat, stating I was not hungry. If I said I was hungry then they would surely know I was poor and had empty cupboards at home. Of course, that was a ridiculous thought process I had about it, but it stayed with me for years, well out of school. It would creep back in to my life in social situations for years to come. As most young adults, I was often strapped for cash. If I was in a social situation that involved food, I would often find myself not eating, even if the food was free, like at a happy hour. I held on to that fear that people would see the truth. I had to be stronger than that truth. Being poor, being hungry, having food insecurity at home felt like a weakness to me. I did not want to look or feel weak. Therefore, I will resist hunger.

I resisted hunger in social situations until I got to a point in my life where I did not care what others thought about me. It took that level of adult confidence to put the childhood trauma of the neon pink free lunch card behind me, for good. I don’t weigh 120 pounds anymore and I am not afraid to say I am starving. In fact, much to the dismay of my wife, I can’t be comfortable anywhere now if there is not food and beverages readily available. That time of my life and those feelings of inequity are far behind me now, but I know, sadly, it still exists in many other ways for children today.