Who am I

I believe that I have struggled with this question, well, for my entire life. I still don’t think I can answer such a simple question. I, like many, look to God for my identity. My problem seems to be that I want to be TOLD who I am. For me, if I don’t keep MY focus simple, I end up begging and crying for everybody’s approval, except my own. I completely lose my self-worth! I believe that I have struggled with this for years & years, but today, I choose to focus on moving forward in a positive direction.

I feel like many self-help authors and therapists focus on the past in order to move forward… That’s great, but for me, I take all of the ownership of my problems and yours! Not blaming the past or even my parents (your welcome, Mom). By taking this “ownership”, I notice several others quite willing to shovel some of their own dirt & maybe not-so-good choices, my way. ***I wish you would stop some days*** Even when life feels heavy, I look around and see so many of us doing everything we can for someone else. I see so many of us fighting through the days, and most of us are fighting for those we love. I know I am!

We hear that people are who they are & don’t change, but I truly believe that I change with the seasons of my life. I think of those who knew me when I was a child. As a child, I often heard my mother say, “be on your best behaver, there might be someone we know here” as she attempted to coral 3 children through every errand she had to make after working full-time herself. I am sure that hearing such as a child, over and over, has something to do with the way I am constantly seeking your approval (and when I say “your” approval, that is exactly what I mean, even strangers!). I know my parents were not perfect. Period. My parents are not perfect, are yours? I am not perfect, but I try awfully hard to be “good”. To me, I want to love others, even on those days that I am grumpy & don’t want to be around myself, even on those days, when I can show another love… honestly listening or speaking truthfully, I always feel better. When I try to be hurtful to another, either with a sly comment under my breath or a roll of my eyes… it ALWAYS makes me worse.

Sometimes, circumstances make it hard for me to feel kind and on those days, I am trying to show myself forgiveness. Unfortunately, when I try to forgive myself, I constantly hear those who make comments, you know the comments… “You will never hold your OWN grandchild” or “You are…”... I just don’t understand the purpose of meanness, but I know that it affects me. Yes, that is the point, everyone says. I just don’t understand how anyone would purposely go out of their way to be mean, but they do & I am going to continue to be myself.

I am Amanda Jones. No longer Amanda Mart, as with that season, I have changed. If you knew me in my past, I hope I made you smile. If I have hurt you (I have hurt people, even those who I love), I wish I could remove the hurt I caused & I would like the opportunity to fill that spot with love. Moving forward, I will strive to be better. No excuses, because this is who I am choosing to be. I choose to love and be kind, even if it is not the easiest or the most logical. Even after being hurt, I will offer you my heart. I promise to forgive. My selfish tendencies have failed me. I choose to find the good. I choose love.