The marriage would come years later, but it’s a story behind that, first; let me tell you about why I decided to stay. Well, I had thought that I had found the right man. He was so cunning and warm with his words and so charming with the southern ways I fell totally in love with him. He did all the right things. And every day I fell more and more in love with him.
I remember telling my girlfriends about him, and I said the one thing we dare not to say, and that Is He’s the one you would have thought a northwest wind was coming up in here. They quickly exclaimed that he is not the one, and I shouted that he was, and then I screamed out, he is my soulmate, and boy did they let me have it.
I was so convinced that I had found the right one after having the wrong ones for so many years. I thought I hit the jackpot. But little did I know things were about to take a turn for the worst.
And things did there was a lot of chaos and turmoil in the relationship; there also was cheating going on and lying, stealing, you name it, it happened.
I tried to remain calm by then. I had two children from my previous relationship. And two by my ex-husband. I remember saying to myself; you messed up; you thought he was the one you played yourself. I felt so low that I couldn’t even pick myself up. I believe for about five years of that relationship; I had gained at least 70 pounds. I was a mess. I rarely wanted to be seen by anyone.
But I decided to put my pain to the side and stay in this toxic relationship so that my children will have a father.
My first two children suffered from not having their father, and I saw how it affected them, especially my son. Nevertheless, I had made up my mind that I would stay until they got old enough, and I felt that they wouldn’t feel abandoned by their father, although I wished I had thought it through a little more. He turned out to be a good dad to his children. However, we spent a considerable amount of time yelling and arguing with each other. So time would pass, and then five years later, I am getting my life together. We had just broken up, so I felt like I needed to change my life for the better because the relationship was not truthful.
So when we were not together anymore, I became a Christian. And I got saved in my bedroom, so I kind of spent the next couple of years reading and learning the bible and speaking and teaching. I misunderstood the spiritual walk, but at that time, I was in it to win it.
So in between all that changing and spiritual growth, we got back together; now, looking back, I believe it was a matter of habit. It’s hard to break old bad habits.
While I decided to stay, I also thought it would be an excellent time to get married because remember the bible said that it was better to marry than to burn. But now I realized that Peter said it and that God never issued that warning.
Nevertheless, we got married, and all hell broke loose; he became controlling and mean I was a basket case. I cried all day and all night.
I couldn't understand how he could change and mistreat me.
But my religion told me to stay and work it out, to be quiet and humble. And I tried it, and that shit didn’t work. It just got worse.
Now I feel like I made the ultimate mistake cause I’m married now and stuck, full of doubt and regret and shame. How could I have done such a stupid thing?
Now my children are Ten and Twelve, and I got at least another Five to Seven years to go, and I’m out of here. I know some of you are probably saying you stayed this long, so you might as well just remain in the marriage. But here is something I will share with you when you had endured more bad than good, when your heart hurt more than it had joy, when your ears heard more yelling than music, that stuff you never forget stays with you. I fell out of love a long time ago, but it was for them and not for me. Because of them, I didn’t leave. And you can say it was a cop-out or a lie; that’s your opinion because I know what I endured, and I also knew what was best for my children. Their well-being was more important, even if it made me unhappy.
My children are all grown up now. I have finally walked away to pursue my dreams and hopefully find love that will involve reciprocity.
I want real authentic love, something tangible, something I never felt. I have yet to encounter it. The truth is that even in my older age, I have never found real love, and someday I hope to discover it.