When it All Comes Down

As with most stories that captivate the mind, there will not be some be lesson or moral to carry away from this; at least not in my mind. Instead perhaps you will be entertained for captivated for short time. Maybe your lunch break will pass a little faster. Or your mind will ponder these events as you lay down at night.

Who can truly say what you will take away from this. Certainly not I. Instead allow me to weave this tale and let you decide for yourself.

It all began years ago when working at a local grocery store. I was a Jack-of-all-trades for them. Stocking, running a register, taking care of produce, working the meat room, helping the deli, taking out trash, crushing boxes, handling truck orders. I did a little bit of it all. And apparently I caught the eye of a young girl while doing it.

One day one of my coworkers slipped a piece of paper into my pocket and told me to use it. Hours passed, my shift ended, I went home, and finally I looked at this slip of paper. It had a number and a name on it. Sarah. Okay. I could talk to someone and see what happened, it had been sometime since I gave anyone a chance to get close to me after all.

So I typed in the number and sent Sarah a message. "Hi, this is Jerry from work. Your friend Beth gave me your number and told me I should reach out."

"Hi! Yeah, she knows I think you're cute and wanted to try and be a wing-gal lol. What are you up to?"

"Not much, just sitting around. My brothers want me to play a game with them so I might do that. What about you?"

"Just watching TV. So what do you like?"

And so went the first conversation. Somewhat meandering and with little substance. But a week later, after a few attempts to speak to her and nothing to show for it she asked me to come over. This lead to a few such meet ups between us doing what young people often end up doing.

A week or so goes by like this before we had a true date. Simple, dinner and a movie. Finally a real spark ignites. Things quickly build into an inferno of passion and emotions. Soon I'm spending most of my nights with her, unofficially living together.

After nearly four months like this she suddenly ends it all one night. No real explanation to show for it. I lose my job during depression and just when I don't know what I'm going to do, she sends me a message. "Hey, I know you might not want to talk to me but I was wondering if you'd like to go out tonight."

This is the first time I decide to take a chance and ignore any warnings. "Yes, what time should I pick you up?" We can skip the details here. The date went well, we got back together. Less than a year later we got married in a small ceremony.

That first year together was a rough one for a young newly wed couple. Spent nearly half of it living apart due to reasons. Spent the other half trying to adjust to me going through training and starting a job in EMS (Emergency Medical Services for those outside the loop). It was hard, nearly drove us insane. But somehow we made, everyone thought if we could survive that year nothing could tear us apart.

Fast forward to year number three together. We were both unhappy. We barely touched each other. We never spoke unless it was a full blown fight. I had shut down. Nothing I did was right, I worked to many hours (96 straight for those who are curious). Every time I tried to speak about what I was feeling or any of our problems, Sarah began to tear into me. After a few months of that I stopped trying.

Now along came a spider (see what I did there?). A woman I worked with became my new partner at work. That meant a lot of time alone together in a truck. Jane listened to me, she heard my problems and my feelings. She responded to me and acted like I mattered and wasn't just the source of all her problems.

I'm going to assume that most of you have got a head of the story at this point. Yes, I had an affair with Jane. It was the type of thing that made me consider leaving my wife. But then Sarah learned of it all. Oh the screaming and yelling. I realized how close I came to throwing everything away. So I gave my boss an ultimatum; transfer me far away from Jane or I would quit. I got transferred.

A few months later Sarah and I had began to move past it all. Suddenly we seemed more in love, more happy, and better than ever. Our marriage was the type of thing that others were envious of. You could see the overwhelming love between us by simply glancing in our direction. The picture of perfect wedded bliss with dreams of little ones on the way. Alas that was not to be so.

You see year four came and went with joy and happiness. Then year five came along. The traditional anniversary gift for five years together is wood. No idea who came up with this or why or what they were even thinking. Year five for us should have been paper, as in money.

You see Sarah had a younger brother named Derek. Derek was mostly a good kid but he let himself be sucked into some trouble by his ex. This put him in the position of needing somewhere to do house arrest. Yep, you guessed it. Sarah begged and pleaded until I agreed. This wouldn't have been such a big problem except it brought mommy dearest around quite often.

Mom in this case being a huge drug addict. Anything you could snort or smoke was fair game to her. And she was hell bent on dragging her children down with her. You see she wasn't happy unless everyone else was as miserable as she was. But she was smart enough to know I wouldn't stand for her being around all the time. So she only came when I was gone to work (remember the 96 hours straight?).

After about two weeks Sarah began to fight with me often and over anything and everything. Immediately I began to feel my stomach drop. Not this again, it was to much the first time through. As the weeks progressed and Derek was released from house arrest, Sarah continued to become even more erratic.

Remember that I said our fifth year together should have been paper? I'm finally going to explain. You see as her mood got steadily worse, so did her spending. Online shopping. Leggings to be exact. Seriously ladies what is it about spandex that makes you go wild? Is there some secret here that I need to know for the future?

In the course of roughly four months Sarah had spent a combined total of $2,000.00 on leggings alone. For those who don't know, EMS pays jack squat. There's a reason I was working 96 hours and it wasn't for fun. Many fights occurred due to the spending. Ready for me to ignore red flag warning number two? Because I did, for months. Every fight ended with the same thing. The spending needed to stop, we had bills to pay that were being ignored due to her shopping. It would stop, no more spending. In case you're wondering, it didn't stop any time soon.

By Christmas Sarah had stopped most of her spending. We were starting to see daylight at the top of the debt now. Things looked a bit better. January should have been enough to open my eyes. But sometimes I wear blinders better than any race horse.

Most of January Sarah began to stay with ole Mommy Dearest. Especially when I was working. I was unaware of this until the morning I came home to find her gone without even a note. After hours of trying to reach her, she calls to tell me they up and decided to go visit family in a nearby county without letting me know anything. I was not okay with that. So she avoided me all day, thinking it would help. In reality she stayed gone so she could dig up anything possible to pick a fight about.

A week later I come home from work, after working my birthday mind you, to find that Derek and his one-time ex had broken into my house. And they were in my bed. Rage filled my mind, but I didn't act on it. I reported them and let be taken off by the police instead. Sarah was good with that until she realized Derek had a record and wasn't going to be released the next day.

I thought this incident would shake Sarah up enough to fix things. I was wrong. Instead her behavior became more erratic. Money began to go missing. Sarah was always gone, regardless of whether I was working or not. For those keeping count, this is red flag warning number three. And I'm still rushing right along with those blinders fully in place.

You see, due to my previous mistakes I had decided that if my marriage ended it wouldn't be due to me or anything I did. This was manifested by me performing almost inhuman feats of ignorance. To prove it, think back on what you know from year five. Mommy Dearest is always around, she's a huge drug addict who wants her children as miserable as she is. Money is constantly vanishing. Sarah is never and always gone with her mom. If you're screaming drugs or addict, you win. In my state of mind and being I made every excuse possible and ignored everything that said otherwise.

I spent months like this. Being left alone constantly while Sarah was out with Mommy Dearest doing God knows what with God knows who. I had entered into depression. On a few occasions I even began to entertain the thoughts that shall not be named. I confronted Sarah about the drugs, the money, and the way she was throwing our lives away. Always promises that it was done, only to start back days later.

I knew I couldn't take anymore of it. Never knowing where she was or who she was with. Never knowing if she was clean or using. And knowing that I didn't matter to her. So as the week of our anniversary came around, I gave her one final choice. Either come home and get clean or don't bother coming back. I didn't hear from her until after midnight, the morning after our anniversary.

The love and happiness was gone. The joy and hope had been crushed. I spent several weeks in a bad state, on the edge of what would happen. But life is funny sometimes. A Fallen Angel saved me from that state of mind and pulled me from the edge, without ever knowing it. But that's neither here nor there.

Our marriage came down. The life we had built together was gone. All that remained was a twisted wreckage of what we had, slowly sinking into the swamp of pain and sadness. To many people believe that it's just a matter of trying harder or holding on longer to make a marriage work. To those people I say, live through what I have. Watch as your loved one replaces you with a substance that is killing them. Sit back as everything you say goes in one ear and out the other. Endure every broken promise and bold faced lie. Manage the stress of trying to pay your bills, keep your job, and keep up with your spouse in your life when they clearly don't care.

This is just a very brief summary of all the events that took place. To go into more detail would be to much lengthwise. Perhaps one day I'll share this tale in full. But for now simply take it as you will.