When I Wanted To Fall In Love, I Learned To Fall In Love With Myself

I craved affection of some sort. I wanted to feel as if I was beautiful, but if I told myself, I’d never believe it. I desired someone’s shoulder for my tears to fall on when I needed it. I hoped there’d be a hand to hold and for someone to tell me “It’ll be okay” even if it won’t be. I wished someone's hand would be in mine as I drove to wherever I was headed.

I wanted all of that. I craved it. I hoped for it. I wished for it. Instead of wishing and hoping for this love I may not receive, I gave myself the love I wanted from someone else. I wiped my own tears when I was going through rough times. I told myself it’d be okay when everything seemed to be going wrong. I stood myself up and went on with my day as if I was okay because my battles are my own. I pieced myself back together after every breakup, after every loss.

At some point in your life, you’ll realize that you only truly have yourself. No one else will know you better than you know yourself. No one else will know about why you have those random night terrors at 3 a.m. No one else will know why you still have nightmares from that day/night. No one else will ask questions about who you are and what has happened to you. You’re the only one who notices the tiny scars on your body because you lived through it, not them.

Every time I fell for someone, I got hurt in some way. I craved love, but was it really worth the aching pain? Was that joyous feeling in my heart at the beginning worth the pain to come?

I was tired of the pain that came from empty, one-sided relationships.

When I wanted that affection and attention and love from someone who could supply me with it, I gave it to myself. I gave myself the attention no one else did. I learned time management and flexibility. I focused on my school work and bettering my GPA. I took a look at scholarships and the cost of schools with a good Education major.

I gave myself affection. When I had on sweatpants filled with dried up paint and a bun on the top of my head with lose hairs coming out of the bottom of it, I admired myself. I placed the thought in my mind that no matter what I looked like, I was beautiful. Whether I’m in a ball gown with my makeup done going to Prom, or I’m waking up all sweaty at 2 a.m. from a nightmare with my hair all over the place, I admired how I looked. So if anyone called me ugly or disgusting or wanted to judge me, there was no room in my mind or heart for the negativity they were attempting to throw at me.

Lastly, I gave myself love. My heart was destroyed by family members and relationships. When they leave or hurt you, it takes a big toll on you. They’re someone you trusted and adored. They had the power to destroy you and they used it against you. It hurts. But now, when I don’t feel the love, I don’t care. I don’t focus on the love that wasn’t given to me. I have so much love for myself that when they don’t give me that love I crave, I replace it with my own.