When I'm 33

The life you perceive is the life you live...

I'm sure you've heard this before, at-least in some variation of this idea. It's an amazing thought when you really sit with it.

"Okay, so if my life is the way I perceive it, then I can perceive any reality, right? "

And this is the question that divides us. This is the question that opens the door to spirituality, religion, existential existence, etc. Call it what you will, but ultimately it's where the rubber meets the road.

Some people may answer this question with; "well not exactly, there are powers beyond our control", or others may say; "Absolutely, we are all utterly responsible for the out come of our lives". There are other variations of perspectives, but for lack of time, let's say these are our two opposing thoughts.

What side would you stand?

I ask only because in order to understand the concept of both ideas, we must be able to place ourselves in both ideas.

Our spiritual journey is not so separate from our physical journey, as we'd like to assume. Using our physical existence, we are able to understand our spiritual existence and vice-versa.

Being at the ripe age of 23 in 2021, I am rearing my head towards what it means to live in ownership of who I am, and what I decide. Living homeless for a year really let this reality appear with complete awareness. Imagine, you wake, up and the first thing you have to do is go into a public grocery store to find a bathroom. I'll say, it definitely got me going!

Living this life, there was no space for distractions (literally, the jeep was cramped;). With every high and low, there was nothing to soften the blow of emotional upheaval. Now that I am living in an apartment, able to use the bathroom and take a shower whenever I want, you realize how much we take for granted.

As a kid, I didn't think twice about having a place to use the bathroom comfortably, and alone. It was normal, It was something I "deserved"?

I never thought about how I would get my next meal or when I'd be able to take a full shower again. It never even crossed my mind.

Before I left to live the life as a vagabond (a road woman at heart). I was trapped in my mind, paralyzed by its power and lack of motivation to engage with the tangible world. My mind was my jail. It wasn't always like this of course, but it's safe to say that it was most of the time.

I didn't trust myself enough to decide...anything.

Finally, all of my questioning came to a halt, every single problem or obstacle I had created in my mind suddenly dissipated. It all meant nothing when it came down to the decision that changed my life.

The decision to leave it all behind, everything that I thought I knew, everything that I didn't know, I threw it off of me like dust.

Don't get me wrong here, even after the decision, it took time and pain to gain self trust back, and to realize my power again.

To un-train my mind.

Even now, as I write this two years later, I am always living life like that feeling was just yesterday. Why? Because, scars remind us of what not to do again.

This is where faith vs. free-will come into play for me. I can pray and meditate to practice gratitude, faith, peace, and love, but it is up to me to rewire this human mind. Subconscious rewiring takes action, pain, passion, dedication, persistence, learning, understanding, questioning, and most importantly, patience.

There is much more to say about this, and honestly I haven't even scratched the surface here, but maybe I'll have more to say when I'm 33.