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When a Quarrel Becomes More Than Just an Argument

by Mickey Castillo 4 months ago in advice
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Do you argue with your partner?

When a Quarrel Becomes More Than Just an Argument
Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

The quarrel between the couples is already commonplace: everyone is arguing, everyone is reconciling… until a certain moment! But it's not healthy to always argue, especially if these heated discussions often start from nowhere.

Do you often find yourself wondering exactly why you were breaking a plate in his head three nights ago? Do you often think that after you've got all your nerves, you could solve the problem differently? Are you told you're exaggerating when you start arguing?

A couple's quarrel can start with anything unimportant: that he was an hour late, that he left his dirty T-shirt in the living room on the floor, that she spent half her salary on a pair of boots that she didn't even wear. don't wear them because they're too awkward (but they're sexy!), because she threw away your original Nirvana album "by mistake"… Anything can cause your partner to jump in your head and you don't even know what the!

If you argue too often, for example, about every week, then there is a problem, and the problem is not that he has left a mess, nor that she is wasting money. An argument from time to time is healthy, but when it happens so often, you should take some measures.

The first and most important measure: find out what started the quarrel in the couple! No, it didn't start from the fact that you found a sock of his after the stove, nor from the fact that he washed your car with the printed T-shirt that washes only by hand and ruined it. Such small incidents would go unnoticed if somewhere in your depths there were nothing worse.

Many times, when you have a serious quarrel - that is, one with more real motivations - you get over that quarrel, but if there is no change unless you try to somehow resolve the situation that caused the quarrel, the remnants of the quarrel and your emotional state. during the quarrel, I remain subconscious!

They stay there, like hidden thoughts, which you forget, but how it annoys you with something, a little nonsense, how the repressed rage returns to the surface and you wake up like a screaming partner to hear all the neighbors! The quarrel in the couple must be ended, if you simply leave an argument in the air, because you are tired of bringing arguments and counter-arguments, then you have not solved anything, you just let it go.

And as has been said, those emotions remain in you (or in one of you) and will come to the surface at the first opportunity.

So, try to figure out what your real problem is with your partner: maybe in a past quarrel, he said something that really hurt you and it stayed there, hidden, maybe it bothers you sometimes how he treats you in certain situations. and you don't even realize it at the moment, it might bother you that he's not responsible enough.

Whatever it is, if a couple of quarrels is a habit for you, then surely one of you has a real problem. Doesn't anything come to mind? Then relax and have a glass or two of wine! It seems like not very moral advice, but alcohol disinhibits, leaves free certain thoughts and emotions that the brain usually represses, which would not otherwise come to the surface.

Sure, you don't have to get drunk, but a modest amount of wine (or whatever you prefer) will help you look inside yourself and get rid of everything that's hidden and ugly!

Once you have realized if and what real problem you have with your partner, there is no need to inaugurate a new quarrel in the couple! Just try to explain to them what happened and how it makes you feel! Under no circumstances blame him/her for how you feel, just explain your condition.

Some tips from the mediation field: to avoid a couple of quarrels, apply them. Normally, mediation between two or more people/companies is done with a mediator who coordinates everything, but you can apply some techniques inspired by it.

First of all, you don't have to be in an emotional state of stress or nerves, you don't have to be offensive or defensive. To make sure everyone has the right to speak, both write down the problem you have on a piece of paper. Again, don't blame me, but put it this way: "When you told me that,., I felt…", not: "I felt din because of you"!

Read each one you wrote. Next step: write down 3 solutions to each problem and read them. Together, discuss them and choose for each problem the solution that seems acceptable to both of you.

The idea is for the couple's quarrel to be somehow resolved, to have a clear end for both partners, not to stay in the air.

Probably the first time you try the mediation method, it will not work out, because your solutions will be radically different; however, try your best not to get into an argument again; try again and through exercise, you will end up finding even reasonable solutions together!

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Mickey Castillo

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