What If?

She was fast. But I was faster. It was unusual to find someone who walked faster than me back in school. Especially during the winter time when everyone was wearing heavier clothing. But to my delighted surprise, she could keep up and even outpace me sometimes. Even with the accelerated pace of our walking, we still made plenty of time for conversation in between classes. We did it so much, I went from being the first person in the classroom every time for three years, to being one of the last ones to enter the room right before the bell rang. And that’s because I wanted to squeeze out as much time talking to her as I possible could. So, I made a conceited effort to always get to the room where she had class as quickly as possible. Luckily, we had a class together right before lunch. Making going form class to lunch just that much more convenient. And it’s not like our conversations were anything special. If anything, they were goofy, silly, meme-filled; but I guess that’s what made them special to me. Someone I could be so open and forward with because I was so comfortable around them. Wanting to be around them all the time. Both in and out of school.

And that’s exactly what ended up happening. One weekend I’m home, finishing up some homework, when I get a text from. She asked me if I was free to help her beat a boss in a videogame (the game in question was “The Evil Within”). Without hesitating I replied of course I’d love to help out. But when it came to send the message, I did hesitate. I hesitated for a long time. This was the first time she and I were going to be together outside of school. And it was at her house, nonetheless. This was territory I didn’t think I’d get the chance to experience. But with a deep breath, and a deeper swallow, I sent the message. She instantly responded how excited she was to have me help her and that she was on her way to pick me up. At the time she drove and I didn’t, so I thanked her for coming to pick me up, got dressed and waited by the steps for her. She pulled up and I got in the car. She didn’t waste anytime explaining the situation in the game and how frustrated she had become over it. As someone who loves videogames but hadn’t played that one I assured her I will give it my best shot, but cannot guarantee success.

I remember when we pulled into her driveway, getting out of her car and looking at her house. It was small, but had a very homey feel to it, even from the outside. It was a little chaotic inside; with envelopes and papers all across the dining room table. But she ushered me into the basement where the television and console were. She explained what had to be done in order to beat the boss, tried a few times to show me and then even more frustrated than in the car, handed me the controller. Now it was time for action. After watching her attempts I knew what needed to be done. It boiled down to solid timing and execution. After making some mistakes and having to try a couple times, to her excitement, I managed to beat the boss and get us to the next segment of the game. We ended up playing the game for over five hours after that, handing the controller back and forth until the sun went down. By the tail end of our play session, the sun had been down for hours and it was getting cold. She turned on the little portable heater that was in the basement and grabbed a thick wool blanket. She propped herself comfortably on the couch and patted the other side signaling me to join her. Which I did.

We spent the next hour or so just talking. Exactly about what alludes me, but I can recall our futures being the primary focus. We were graduating in only a few months time. I was planning for college but didn’t know for what or even where I was going. She wasn’t sure either. She wasn’t as keen on college as I was so she figured straight to work after high school was the play for her. She was always worried about what’s around the next corner. And I always did my best to just tell her that it doesn’t matter, because once we graduate, she could do whatever she wanted. Hearing that always made her smile, even if it felt like she had to force it.

And then it got quiet. Silence filled the room. Both of us under the blanket, with the heater still going strong. We found solace in each other’s eyes. She had a pair of deep green eyes; I found myself blatantly staring at them on more than one occasion. I always apologized if she caught me because it felt rude to stare, to which she always waved a hand at it assuring me it was okay. Except this time was different. She didn’t say it verbally, but she wanted me to stare. Because she was doing it right back. Just gazing into each other’s eyes. It was for no more than maybe ten minutes, but it felt so much longer. Then she adjusted herself on the couch. Scooching herself closer to my half of it; still not uttering a single word. I could feel the energy in the room begin to change. I also felt the blood beginning to go to my cheeks and neck. I didn’t know what was about to happen; I didn’t know if I should say something or just do something. All this time between her and I, so many laughs, talks, and little moments both in and now out of school. I knew I felt something for her. I didn’t know if it was love, or just an extremely strong urge to be around her as much as humanly possible. All I knew was that I didn’t want to lose what I had with her. She leaned in close; I could feel her short little breaths across my face. I felt the words in my throat; they were right there. All I had to do was get them out, so she could hear them and decide for herself what happens from there. She was so close to me…

And I didn’t say a goddamn thing.

She leaned back with a smile on her face, and then excused herself to use the bathroom. She ran back upstairs and it gave me a moment to exhale deeply, and let my heart go back into my chest from my throat.

Now, that wasn’t the only opportunity that I had to let her know how I felt about her, but it was what I still believe to be the best chance I had. After that, we graduated and our friendship crumbled. I reached out everyone once in a while and on her birthday to say hi, but I could tell from the very minimalist approach to her replies, that what we had in high school was gone. I still beat myself up over how I handled it all. I was so stupid. I was afraid; worried that I’d make things too awkward between us if I told her how much I cared about her. I don’t use the word love, because I don’t know if that’s the right word. It might be, because of how I felt about her. But I was so young at the time, it might be jumping a little too far. Regardless, it’s still an experience with another person that I won’t ever truly forget. Deep down in my heart, I know in another alternate timeline I told her how I felt. Whether or not anything transpired from that I’m not sure. And that was never the end goal; just having the guts to express my sincere feelings towards someone else would've been enough, even if she didn't feel the same way towards me. But if anyone is reading and is in a similar situation with anyone else, please. I implore you to just let them know. Tell them how you fell; you like them; you love them. You want to spend every moment with them. You may never get another chance. It’s worth the risk. So, I’ll ask you: What if?