What Goes Un-said
Words are meant to be spoken! Feelings are meant to get hurt!
My whole life I’ve dated 15 guys and out of those 15 I’ve had 4 serious relationships, each lasted between 2-5 years. Now for some reason I always felt the need to be very supportive, whether it’s to help them get on their feet, achieve career goals or educational goals, sometimes even handle tough family situations. I was that go to person for whatever the case may have been. I used to believe that if gave 100% from the beginning I’ll get it in return, well that was not the case for me. I was getting played, used, abused mentally, physically and emotionally and never even received a thank you or an apology smhlol. I mean I was really out here allowing these assholes to walk all over me like I was a doormat, and use my past pains and childhood damage against me. I didn’t know any better back then, I really believed from watching others and tv that a good relationship has to go through hell before it could see heaven. My thoughts were that if I just dealt with all the Bullshit and accepted all the lies, eventually they would see that I’m here and I really did love them and wanted us to work! Yeah right... I never knew that what I was putting myself and my heart through wasn’t love at all, it was toleration, it was me choosing to stay with him just because I didn’t want to be alone or because I had no-one or nowhere else to go.
Shame on myself for being so stupid, and gullible. Like who the hell in their right mind would just sit and accept being treated so wrong. Allow someone to minipulate them, make them feel as if everything is their fault and sometimes even deserving of being treated so badly. How could I have given all of me to people who were not deserving of what I had to offer? I was more than sex, I was strength, I was love, I was support who always listened and even attempted to fix the problems smfh. I admit I was young, naïve, and had no clue what love was. The truth hurts!! I had ignored all the red flags, I heard what I wanted to hear, I don’t know if it was because I just didn’t want to face the truth or if it was because I didn’t want to be alone, I mean I’ve been alone all my life in every situation so when I had someone it was easier to forget the pain.
My wake up call came between the ages of 21-24, I’ll call him Jr. We met on a chat line, I was 21 years old and had just aged out of foster care. To a child that’s a scary thing to face when you don’t have anyone or anywhere to go, so when we started talking I was very vulnerable. We would talk on the phone for hours at a time, laughed til my jaws hurt and talk about everything. I thought I trusted him, he knew my past, my childhood pains and trauma, my dreams and wants. I told him everything about me!! The day we finally met he proposed and I said yes! I know what your thinking hell I thought it to smh... but I was so caught up with the fact that he proposed and we been talking for so long that I didn’t even notice the size of the (tiny) ring lol... But I loved it and I thought I loved him. So we moved in with his mom and step dad and little sister and brother. It was cool for a little while until we became pregnant. We’ve only known each other for about 6 months and now we’re going to have a baby.... He made me believe he was a good guy tho, he was an army brat, he worked hard he wanted me to be a stay at home wife and mom and it all sounded soo good to me at one point. Eventually his truths came out and he became the biggest liar, manipulator, coward and punk ass bitch in the end.
We got a place together a nice spacious 1 bedroom apartment, I was so excited!! I cooked, cleaned, shopped, I was so ready to be a wife, his wife and let’s not forget a baby on the way. I thought I would finally have a real family of my own. Something I’ve never really experienced in my childhood. During my pregnancy I went through a rough spell with my symptoms, I had eczema all on my face and body. I thought I was a hideous creature lolsmh. My hormones took me through so many ups and downs that I was not in a good head space, I was depressed, my face and body was covered in eczema, sex became painful and I didn’t want to leave the house or be around anyone (it sucked). As the provider, he would work 24/7 to the point I hardly saw him. Even though I didn’t have a want or need for anything, I felt that things changed during my pregnancy we became more distant, I was always alone, he wanted to work overtime and also started working another job. He had big goals for us and I loved him for that. My delivery was rough but she was born 8lbs 2.6oz and a head full of beautiful hair. She became my World with or without him.
3 months after our baby girl was born, he began to talk more about us getting married. First I was excited until I started to find pink slips for missed car payments and found yellow slips for failure to pay rent!!! When I found those things I changed, now I’m concerned because we had plenty of money and there was no excuse for him to not have payed any of these important bills. Every time I would bring them to his attention of course he would lie and try to feed me some lame ass excuse and yes I would let it go. But one day was the last straw, I took his debit cards and I took control of the money and our finances. Things at that point took a turn for the worse. He gave me an ultimatum let’s get hitched or he would take my daughter and leave!! Huh in my head I’m like: This Bitch got me fucked up! I have bipolar he don’t know how crazy I can get especially when it comes to my daughter! Take her where? Those were fighting words to me. He knew my past, my childhood of growing up in foster care, he knew that my daughter was my world he knew that I would NEVER allow him or anyone else to take or harm her. But little did I know that was his trap.
(The Wake Up)
Things went downhill from there, we argued, we fought, we screamed and yelled it became a toxic, emotionally and mentally abusive environment for my daughter and I. He became so obsessed with marriage that he had the audacity to present me with an ultimatum like that. My mind was already working on how to escape this man and this relationship safely with my daughter. I went back to work, started to save all my money from my paychecks even the allowance money he would give me. I gained a friend who was an old coworker of his and she witnessed a lot of the problems in the relationship, she even offered me a place to stay. Oneday an argument gotten so bad that he barricaded me from leaving the house, he took my phone and started to verbally insult and mentally intimidate me. I had had enough. He reached for my throat and I fought for my life by punching him several times in the face. He finally let go and ran to a neighbors house an yes he called the police. This cowardly motherfucker called the police on me! I was shocked, so I grabbed my daughter and ran but by time I could cut across the field, I seen 5 cop cars driving pass with lights and sirens on. I stopped dead in my tracks I had no where to run, nowhere to go no phone to call anyone. He played his trick card against me. The 3 minutes of standing there trying to figure out if I should keep running or go back felt like eternity. I was shocked, confused, scared, hurt. Damn it I felt a little of everything at once. No one to call, no one to defend me. My back was against a wall, I was living my worst nightmare all over.
(The Ugly Truth)
After thinking I turned around and went back to face the music, but also hoping that these police officers would be able to protect me and my child. If I’d known that turning around to go back would be a mistake and a life changer for me I would’ve kept on running. I went back to the apartment and soon as I get back with no questions asked I’m handcuffed and placed in a squad car. My daughter snatched out my arms and given to her father. The crazy thing was that none of the officers even asked me what happened or checked to see if I was even hurt. He became the victim and I the abuser. Can you fucking believe that bullshit!! I was dumb founded, I never even got to say my side, I wasn’t even asked if I had any bruising from when he choked me let alone what the hell happened. I never in my life imagined that this particular situation would become a crucial piece of why I am who I am today.
***This is just the beginning, so grab yourself a drank cause were going to need it... than come back to continue this ride down my merits lane.***