What becomes of a friend when they betray us?

Friendship

When the world confronted me

with daggers and drew their guns,

you became my shield,

no questions asked,

you immediately jumped in front.

*

I never had a reason

to question

your loyalty or how much you cared.

I always knew that you loved me.

You said it so many times,

that I’d lose count

at every moment that we shared.

*

To me, you were more than a friend,

we treated each other like family.

Even more so

than my blood relatives,

you knew how much you meant to me.

*

For you, I’d do anything

because I knew you’d do the same.

That’s why, I still can’t believe

you caused this betrayal.

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Friends and Betrayal

Throughout my life, I have referred to some individuals as “friends”. Some friendships have remained while others have come and gone. Friends are people that we share a connection/bond with. It usually excludes sexual and familial relationships.

Relationships are important–friendships are important–healthy friendships are important. Having one close friend in your life can allow you to live longer. It can help you survive breast cancer and even a heart attack. Just as some friendships can have such a positive impact on your life, others can have a negative impact as well.

Remember the two teenagers who brutally murdered their classmates and teacher, injuring multiple others after then committing suicide at the Columbine High School in Colorado in 1999. Their friendship strengthened by a bond they shared (as victims of bullying), led them both to commit this heinous crime. This is an example of a negative friendship.

I have suffered betrayal by people who I have considered friends but the worst betrayal is the betrayal of trust. Friends are people too and people lie, cheat, steal, insult and hurt you. In an article by the New York Times, Dr. Harriet Lerner, a psychologist and author was quoted as saying,

Friendship is often very painful… In a close, enduring friendship, jealousy, envy, anger and the entire range of difficult emotions will rear their heads.

Some friendships are only meant to last for a season and when that season is over, it means that the friendship should end. Some end amicably and for others there is no explanation why. However, some end due to some form of betrayal. Betrayal does not occur only during later stages in life but also during childhood.

Dr. Jennifer Freyd has defined the terms “betray trauma” and “betray trauma theory” here.

Betray Trauma: “any kind of trauma independent of the reaction of the trauma”. It occurs when there has been a violation of trust in instances where there is “childhood physical, emotional or sexual abuse perpetrated by a caregiver.”

Betray Trauma Theory: the extent by which a negative event in the life of an individual experienced as betrayal by a trusted person will affect the way in which they recall and process that event.

Both Betray trauma and betray trauma theory have been used synonymously with PTSD. What they have found is that children who have been betrayed by their caregivers try to block the incident while still allowing themselves to continue to interact with their caregivers. In the child’s mind, avoidance is best to prevent the situation from worsening. If they continue to interact as normal then the threat would be less. Sadly, blocking these events from memory will later re-emerge similar to PTSD and that can be damaging during adulthood.

I believe to some extent, most can relate to betray trauma and betray trauma theory.

Anytime trust is broken, betrayal occurs.

Betrayal indeed is one of the most painful experiences someone can experience. It even happened to Jesus too! Let’s not forget that he was betrayed by Judas, one of his disciples.

So what happens when we feel like we have been betrayed?

We tend to ask questions.

1. Why would a friend I trust so much do such a hurtful thing to me?
2. Why would a friend betray me?
3. Did I do something wrong?
4. Was it my fault?
5. Is the friendship really over?
6. Am I a good friend?
7. How can I be a better friend?
8. Why should I remain in a negative friendship?

Some negative behaviors are birthed from betrayal

A. Trust issues: You become suspicious of people’s words and actions. Sometimes anticipating a let down.

B. Over-analyzing: Making a situation bigger than it actually is. Searching for loop holes that aren’t there and becoming hyper-vigilant.

What can you do when the betrayal occurs?

1. Talk about it. Maybe there was some miscommunication and talking to that friend may help clarify certain things. You should also talk to a therapist if you have one.

2. Let it go. Avoid feeding into your anger. Do not retaliate (say no to vendettas).

3. Focus on other relationships in your life. That includes relationships with other friends and family.

4. Spend time doing things that you love

Friendships are important aspects in our lives and when things go wrong, we often look to them for support. Dr. Yager says:

It is wise to pay attention to your friendships and have them in order while you’re healthy and your life and work are going well…Because when a crisis hits, when someone you love dies, or you lose your job and your health insurance, when the universe gives you a crash course in vulnerability, you will discover how crucial and life-preserving good friendship is.

Show your good friends how awesome they are to you and rid yourself of bad friendships.

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Thank you for reading!