We're All Just People

               People appear to be objects. After being in a toxic relationship for many years, I hated men. I couldn’t even give the nice guys a chance. By nice guy, I’m not talking about the self-proclaimed nice guy. I mean actual nice guys who are genuine. You know, the ones who don’t have to announce it because they’re trying to convince everyone. My guard was constantly up. I was suspicious of every man I met. Honestly, I was bitter. I treated them badly. It didn’t matter if I hurt their feelings. I didn’t care at the time. I saw them as playthings I could use for free dinners and gifts, only receiving and never giving. I also made it a point to put them down or make fun of them at any chance I got. I found it entertaining. It took a bit, but I realized I was angry with myself. Angry that I’d let myself deal with someone who sucked the life out of me. I had to forgive myself for putting myself through that. Sure, I tried leaving that relationship many times, but I also forgave him many times. I forgave myself for that. With forgiveness, I realized one thing: we are all just people.

               I changed the way I saw my actions. They were no longer justified in my eyes. No longer amusing. They were cruel. I began to live more honestly. It was hard at first, but I resisted bullying men who were kind to me.  I didn’t jump into every date on high alert, fishing for issues. If I didn’t like them after the 1st or 2nd date, I let them know. Usually by phone or in a public space. From past experiences, I’ve learned it’s safer that way. People be crazy. I want to make something very clear: this is not a battle of the sexes. This is about people who don’t see others as people.

               Vera had a friend named Del. Del had a best friend who treated his fiancé poorly. Vera once went to a rave with Del and saw that his best friend brought a woman who was not his fiancé and was very much a woman he was using to cheat on his fiancé. When Vera asked Del about the fiancé, he informed her that she was out Door Dashing because they were behind on bills. Vera asked why he wasn’t with her since it was midnight and could be dangerous Door Dashing alone. Del only shrugged his shoulders. Later that week, Del and Vera spoke about his best friend. He claimed he couldn’t understand why he treated his fiancé so bad. He explained his best friend had always been there for him and helped him out with so much. Del believed she treated his best friend well. He stated that his best friend even claimed she was a good woman. Del advised that there was no point in telling her. He explained that she caught him multiple times and would forgive him. This time was no different. He said he treated every woman he’s been with the same way.

Vera spoke on how his best friend probably didn’t see women as people. She claimed that’s probably why he’s fine treating them so poorly. Del agreed with her. According to Del, it seemed that his best friend would move mountains for him and his other male counterparts, but when it came to women, it was completely different. His best friend was fine having fun at a rave with a woman on his arm while his fiancé worked to help them make ends meet. From what I know, Del’s best friend and his fiancé had 2 vehicles, and they both Door Dashed for extra money; however, that night, he didn’t help her even though they live together and pay shared bills. She also helps care for his kid from past relationship.

Now take Christy and Joe, same story but the genders are reversed. This time it’s Joe who is faithful and kind, and Christy who is not so much the same. They had a kid together, and after her pregnancy, her behavior changed significantly.  She once complained that he had too much chest hair and it grossed her out. For her, he had it lasered off. A sweet gesture on his part, but that didn’t stop her from sleeping around and going out while he stayed home with their newborn. She would get caught, but she always blamed him. Claimed that he did too little or did too much. His family would tell him to leave, but he claimed to be in love. One day, they decided they would work together. When that happened, she slept with their coworkers. Everyone knew; he eventually found out, and they continued to work on their relationship. This was before 2020. They are still together to this day. I’ve heard her behavior hasn’t changed.

It seems that every time she would do him wrong, she would circle it back to it being his fault. She was fine with embarrassing their relationship at work. It was never her fault. By her actions and comments, it appears she had little to no respect for him. She was fine with him making physical changes for her as well.

I know when I didn’t care about hurting a man’s feelings, all I could think of was, “What’s the big deal? It's just a guy?” That phrase, “just a guy” or “just a woman.” But they’re not just a guy or a woman; they’re people.